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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26160508">To Love and Be Loved [Various! Haikyuu x Reader]</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_only_iris/pseuds/the_only_iris'>the_only_iris</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Break Up, Canon Compliant, F/M, Fleeting Romances, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Post-High School, Romance, True Love, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 13:13:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>73,860</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26160508</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_only_iris/pseuds/the_only_iris</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Romance, as fleeting as it may be, is something we see all around us, albeit in abundance in places that we least expect it. For you, romance has been a thwarted dream that perhaps sometimes seems more like a curse than a blessing. Everywhere you look, you see it, you feel it, sometimes, you ignore it—intentionally, unintentionally, but doesn't change the fact that it's there.</p><p>After Oikawa Tooru, you believed you'd never accept romance in any shape or form. But, there are many other men in the world who may want to fill the Grand King's shoes. Many other men in the world that can definitely come close, if not fully replace those shoes. </p><p>It's up to you to decide if they can stay.</p><p>[Reader x Various] [Book of Fleeting Romances] [Female Reader with She/Her pronouns]</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akaashi Keiji/Reader, Kuroo Tetsurou/Reader, Miya Osamu/Reader, Oikawa Tooru/Reader, Sakusa Kiyoomi/Reader, Semi Eita/Reader, Tsukishima Kei/Reader, Yaku Morisuke/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>157</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>299</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. chapter - one</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>Like a song of love that clings to me, how the thought of you does things to me... </em>
    <br/>
    <em>Never before has someone been more unforgettable.</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>
  <strong>*</strong>
</p><p><br/>There were only a few things in the world that could beat the sound of chirping cicadas in summer. </p><p>The sound of your dog's, Mona-chan's, cooing, the sound of rain tapping away at the ground in front of your house, or the sound of the broken radio playing in the old lady's store down the street, because she always managed to give you free candy whenever you popped by with your friends. But, the one thing that stood out among every sound and the sound that nothing had beat was the sound of Oikawa Tooru's laughter ringing in your ears, especially when directed at you.</p><p>     "Nah, (y/n)-chan!" He said in a sing-song voice, cackling in every gap he got, staring at your face as if it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen, breaking your tiny heart in the process, "I didn't know you wanted to play house with me!"</p><p>You pouted before it turned into a proper frown. You had to build momentum before responding to Tooru, he wasn't always the easiest 6-year old to talk to. </p><p>     "Tooru-kun," You said slowly, "Aren't I your best friend?"</p><p>Now, the cards had been turned, the stage had been set! Oikawa had no choice but to agree to a proposition that he himself had stated days ago; a proposition that suggested that the two of you would be best friends forever, and there was no need for stupid grown-up things like marriage and love—you two had your Pokemon cards and GameBoy devices! That was all you'd ever need! Not to mention, Tooru was going to teach you how to play volleyball too!</p><p>     "Y-Yeah, you're my best friend, but I didn't know you wanted to marry me!"</p><p>Your face reddened at his accusation. Yes, he was right, in a way—it didn't help that many other girls wanted Oikawa to be their card-husband; a trend that had ridiculously circulated around as if it now took the world by storm! Aina-chan from the other section had married Mamo-kun, which only meant that kids were slowly marrying one another in a fictitious setting—a trademark that suggested they belonged to one another, and so did their Pokemon cards. </p><p>     "F-Fine. I'll ask Iwa-chan!" You yelled, unhappy with the way Tooru was teasing you. </p><p>When you got up to leave, you felt his hand grasp your shoulders and turn you around. For some reason, he didn't look too happy, his hair looked great as usual, but his face was funny; a strange look on Tooru's face considering he always looked like he knew what was going on. You recalled Aina-chan's earlier words: <em>I'll ask Tooru-kun to marry me so we can share our cards!</em> You didn't want someone like Aina-chan getting her hands on Tooru's cards.</p><p>Besides, Tooru was your best friend. The boy you had known since you were both in diapers. The boy whose face right now was oddly looking away from yours, even though he held you in place. </p><p>     "F-Fine," You blinked at his words, "I'll marry you!"</p><p><em>Don't ask Iwa-chan</em>, he kept thinking before finally meeting your gaze. The second his chocolate brown eyes look into yours, he freezes and so do you. Time stops for two 6-year olds, apparently in love, gasping at the way this slight bit of eye contact had them feel. Tooru pulled away as if the intensity was a bad thing, but you held your gaze. Had he always looked so repellingly gorgeous? His face... Was it always so devastatingly pure? Even though you knew Tooru could annoy the living daylights out of anyone, he was your Tooru, your best friend...</p><p>...your card husband in 1st grade. </p><p>For every time after that, whenever you met Tooru, you were a tad bit shyer than before. It wasn't as if Tooru noticed, or perhaps he did, you didn't know because he never acted like he noticed at all. Iwa-chan noticed, this was definitely because he kept bugging you about it—until Oikawa had let it slip that you two were now married; and your Pokemon cards belonged to him and his belonged to you (despite the fact that your cards weren't all that great, to begin with). Iwa-chan's teasing did little to ease the growing, bubbling feeling in your chest—the feeling of a simple crush laid in a body so small that it led you to believe it was true love.</p><p>On the eve of your 11th birthday, Tooru approached you as you sat drawing in your backyard. You looked up to spot him holding a volleyball, grinning at you as if you owed him the practice he so eagerly came looking for. Thanks to him, you had learned how to spike volleyballs despite having no interest in the sport, but with the way Tooru kept his passion brewing, you were sure that your life with Tooru's would involve volleyball in one way or another. The two of you had grown out of your 'marriage' years, Pokemon cards were a thing of the past now, GameBoys were boring and Eiko-chan and Mamo-kun didn't even talk to each other anymore.</p><p>Yet...</p><p>Tooru kept coming back to you. </p><p>Your eyes stayed at Oikawa as he explained to you this new technique he had seen this Russian volleyball player do, and he wanted to try it with you. You watched as his lips curved into an energetic smile as he talked and talked and talked about volleyball, something to do with setting the ball, setting for someone, having precision, and then slowly, Tooru's intense gaze fell on you—and your eyes suddenly widened with the way he looked at you questioningly.</p><p>     "Is something on my face, (y/n)-chan? You're not listening!"</p><p>     "Eh? I was!"</p><p>     "Oh yeah?! What was I saying?"</p><p>     "Something about setting the ball!"</p><p>     "Oh," Tooru grinned before rubbing the back of his neck, "You <em>were</em> listening."</p><p>     "I always listen to you, Tooru-kun." </p><p>And the words slipped out before you had any control over them. It wasn't that they had never happened before, it was strange because this time, Oikawa noticed. Oikawa noticed the way you were pleasing him by saying the exact things he wanted to hear, by keeping your hands at your side and following his every word; unlike other girls who preferred doing something else, you helped him with his setting—not once had you complained, not once had you asked if you wanted to do something else. </p><p>Did that mean...?</p><p>For an 11-year-old to think his best friend had a crush on him was almost preposterous; since he didn't think of you the same way. Or... did he? </p><p>     "Uh..." Oikawa glared at the ball before nodding once, "I'll set and you hit, okay?"</p><p>     "Okay."</p><p>Tooru stood to your side before shooting the ball in the air softly and setting it to you; just the way he had seen the Russian player do it. He tried mimicking it to the best of his abilities, but he wouldn't know how sloppy his form was until years later. However, Oikawa noticed how good your form was—how un-sloppily you had spiked the wall, and how it reached over the kids' net and landed on the other side.</p><p>Oikawa's gaze followed after the ball you had just spiked, and it fell on the area the ball was for a moment.</p><p>
  <em>I'll always listen to you, Tooru-kun.</em>
</p><p>Oh, crap. </p><p>He turned to you and noticed how close you came a second later, your hands in front of you with utter joy—your face beaming almost at how good your spike was but instead, the words you said turned his legs into mush.</p><p>     "Your set was so good!"</p><p>Had you always had such easy flowing hair? Was your smile always a tad bit crooked but in the way that made him want to go pee really fast and come back? And when you opened your eyes, Tooru remembered how they looked when you'd asked him to marry you for Pokemon cards, and how nervous they looked, how you twiddle with the strands of your hair when said nervousness bubbled in your chest and how...</p><p>How utterly and devastatingly cute you actually were.</p><p>The first girl Oikawa Tooru thought was cute was you. It had been engraved in his mind that it was you—a fact that he would never forget. He grinned back before patting your head like you were a dog, before noticing how wide your eyes got. It was cute. </p><p>Everything you did was idiotically cute. </p><p>     "Good, good," He said, "Another!"</p><p>He wondered if you'd ever say no. That night, Tooru and Iwaizumi came over to your house, with Tooru's elder sister watching over them, and celebrated your birthday at 12 a.m. No one had ever surprised you with your favorite cake, a fact only Tooru knew, and when you saw Tooru and Iwa-chan grinning at your surprised and sleepy face, your heart could have burst right then and you'd probably never live to see your 11th birthday.</p><p>However, that birthday also made you realize it was your last year with Oikawa Tooru. Your last year with the boy you were so desperately in love with. The boy, you knew, loved you back. You weren't sure if you were going to stay in Miyagi, since you overheard your parents speaking of a move—a move that might not even happen considering how your parents spoke of a lot of things. </p><p>The next morning, in class, Tooru approached you. These days, it was too casual for him to speak to you despite not being in the same class. </p><p>     "Is there something you wanna do, (y/n)-chan?"</p><p>     "Eh?"</p><p>He had never asked you that before. You stared at Tooru, his eyes glancing over every inch of your face as if he owned the sight of it, and a small grin forming on his face. You knew he'd grow up to be devastatingly good-looking, a fact that you were sure of because his features were just painfully and ridiculously well-measured. </p><p>     "What do you mean, Tooru?"</p><p>He shrugged, "We always play volleyball so I wanted to know what you like."</p><p>You wanted to be honest right then but for some reason, your heart could have exploded with just the thought of telling your best friend, the Oikawa Tooru, that there was nothing you liked except him—a fact that was so utterly and painfully obvious to anyone who knew you. Iwaizumi was slowly catching on, but he opted to stay out of such conversations because it didn't interest him.</p><p>To him, you were a <em>girl</em>. That was insulting enough.</p><p>So that led to where you were now—with you and Tooru walking home from school, Iwaizumi had his mother come pick him up for some reason. Tooru kept stealing glances at you from the side, debating internally whether or not to tell you that Mamo-kun had somehow discovered Oikawa's sweet spot for you and was now relentlessly teasing him along with another group of boys. It wasn't as if it bothered him too much—considering how he knew Mamo-kun's embarrassing secret of wanting to impress Aina-chan, the girl who had ruthlessly stopped talking to him.</p><p>     "What's up?"</p><p>Tooru almost froze when you had caught him staring at you. He laughed, almost defensively, before shaking his head. </p><p>     "So Mamo-kun thinks you like me."</p><p>Crap! That wasn't what he wanted to say to you! Now you're going to think he's some sort of freak and won't talk to him ever again! He turned to look at what reaction sat on your face but it made his heart drop in a bad way when he saw your eyes widen uncharacteristically and how your lower lip was now quivering. Tooru wanted to stop whatever was going to happen from happening, but he was too late.</p><p>     "I... You're my best friend, right?" You said, your voice trembling. </p><p>Tooru knew he could still salvage something. He had to say just the right thing. However, with a track record like this, he was a blunt 11-year old with two friends. One of whom, he was in love with.</p><p>     "Listen, (y/n)," He dropped the -chan and that was something you noticed, and liked, "We're married, remember?"</p><p>He felt like an idiot for saying it.</p><p>     "But that was for cards, though?"</p><p>Tooru nodded, still feeling like an idiot, "Y-Yeah, but you help me with volleyball and we talk all the time! And we're best friends! What else is marriage anyway?"</p><p>You blink before seeing his point. You press your index finger to your chin before thinking about it along the same lines Tooru was. He was right; you told him everything, leaving nothing out, you played together, and even celebrated your birthday at sharp 12 a.m! It was magical.</p><p>     "What about kids? We should have kids if we're married."</p><p>Oikawa knew the answer to this already, "We have your dog, Mona-chan!"</p><p>Your eyes widen with sheer joy. You laugh at what he said for a second before turning away, feeling pleased with your answer. You knew that ultimately everything you two were talking about was something that would stay between the two of you—but you didn't expect something life-changing to occur just a second later.</p><p>     "Besides," You turn to Oikawa slowly, "I..."</p><p>
  <em>Why is this so hard!? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She's my best friend!</em>
</p><p>     "I... l-like you."</p><p>Your eyes widen as the wind is knocked right out of you. You wanted to scream his name because this was your first confession! How fortunate you were to have the boy you liked to say he liked you! Even though Aina-chan had her eyes set on him for the longest time.</p><p>     "Tooru," you dropped the honorific too this time and he noticed, "I like you too!"</p><p>On the eve of his 11th birthday, Oikawa Tooru kissed you.</p><p>It was an awkward lip-to-lip press that felt more forced than natural, you couldn't understand how people in the movies did it, you couldn't understand what about this felt so good either. But, when Tooru pulled away, he was red-faced, looked a bit too proud of himself, and was sharing the awareness that the two of you had stolen each other's first kisses.</p><p>     "That was..." </p><p>     "Yeah, that was so weird. Never doing that again." Tooru said, laughing.</p><p>You smile back at him before nodding, agreeing with every word he said because of course, kisses were strange. But, that evening, the two of you sat at the engawa at his house, blissfully aware that you were each other's firsts in many things. It left an aching feeling in your chest as you thought of how many more you'd be willing to share with Tooru. </p><p>You weren't sure, and neither was Oikawa, if the two of you were boyfriend and girlfriend. It was a pact that the two of you had made—a pact that you two considered precious and almost too personal to want to reveal to anyone at all. However, he'd hold your hand after his practice and walk you home, he'd join you as you walked Mona-chan till the end of the street, and sometimes, he'd 'forget' to invite Iwa-chan when visiting your house to play with you—so that you could watch anime together. He still asked you to spike his sets, a pass-time you had grown to love because the boy you loved was asking you for it.</p><p>However, after one cold evening in January, your last year of Elementary, your parents had decided something that changed your life; most of the decisions parents make change their kids' lives, and this one was wrecking yours.</p><p>You were moving to Tokyo for middle school.</p><p>You were leaving Oikawa Tooru behind.</p><p>
  <em>You were leaving Oikawa Tooru behind. </em>
</p><p>You wanted to scream at your parents but you couldn't understand how silence was the response your brain chose to leave you with. You wanted to tell Tooru so that he could somehow convince your parents to make you stay, but you weren't sure if his words would get through. As you stood there, your brain trying to come up with excuses or reasons on why you wanted to continue living in Miyagi, you stared at your parents before blurting out the one thing you didn't want them knowing just yet.</p><p>     "I love him," You said, conviction firm in your voice, "He loves me too!"</p><p>The look your parents give you after that almost broke you. As accepting as they were, they looked helpless. They brushed aside your life for this boy as if it was a childhood crush, and it could have been—to them, these adults that no longer knew how to hope and dream—everything might come across that way, but to you, Oikawa was your one true love. It was embarrassing to think that way, but he was.</p><p>     "We're really sorry, (y/n), you'll find someone else." Your mother tried saying.</p><p>You shook your head, adamantly, "No one'll come close! No one can come close to Tooru! We're gonna grow up and get married! We take care of Mona-chan! We... We..." You were sobbing uncontrollably at this point, but when your mother came to hold you, your body didn't push her away.</p><p>You couldn't stop thinking of Tooru, and you couldn't stop thinking of how you'd let him know. A part of you was scared he'd get mad at you, but you knew him all your life—11 years of growing up together. You'd learned during dinner that night that you had less than two months before you moved to Tokyo—somewhere near Shinjuku, and everything was already beginning to set in your mind. You were never going to be happy after this, you were never going to find anyone near Oikawa's image in your head. Your happiness would remain in Miyagi, in the palm of Tooru's hands.</p><p>The next morning, Oikawa didn't accompany you to school. You knew he had practice, which was why Iwaizumi wasn't around either. However, when homeroom was about to begin, Oikawa barged into your class and grinned before waving and walking back to his own class. This was his way of compensating for not walking with you to class—something he'd started doing on his own; and it brought tears to your eyes to learn of how this would end here. </p><p>Iwaizumi found you outside your class after the third period. He was heading out to get some flavored milk before he found you lounging in the corridor alone. Approaching you, he tapped your head before cocking one eyebrow.</p><p>     "You're going to get in trouble if you're lounging around like that."</p><p>A second later, he noticed dried tears in your eyes. His own eyes widened before he blinked in confusion. Had Oikawa made you cry? The only time that had happened was when Oikawa set the ball to your face once. </p><p>     "Oi, what's wrong?"</p><p>You shook your head before realizing it was difficult not to say anything. You tugged on Hajime's shirt sleeve before sniffing a couple of times, testing the boy's already wavering patience. </p><p>     "I'm... I'm moving."</p><p>Hajime's eyes widened at the words that slipped from your mouth before quickly understanding what was causing you to cry. He pressed his lips together, unable to find the right words to counter what you had said. He knew Oikawa needed to be here, he knew what you and Oikawa were, but he didn't particularly understand it. He groaned before rubbing the back of his neck, scrunching his eyebrows in haste.</p><p>     "I... You should tell Oikawa."</p><p>You nodded before wiping the tears away. You were going to. You weren't going to hold this in for long. You were scared to tell Tooru, no doubt, but you were equally scared of not telling him—of spending time with him without him knowing that these were your last days. The need to continue this kept on, but Tokyo was far away, and the fact that you were kids settled in your brain. You could think of the future, but was it something Oikawa wanted to do? Who were you kidding? If you moved... If you moved...</p><p>If you moved, then there'd be no one for Oikawa to set his volleyball to when he wanted to rest.</p><p>During lunch, you didn't wait before letting Oikawa know what was going on. Hajime sat silently beside you as Tooru's eyes widened comically before settling back to regular size, a hopeful gaze pinned to his face now. It confused you, but at the same time, perhaps this was all what you were waiting for. For Oikawa Tooru to lift your spirits up.</p><p>     "So what? I'll come visit you in Tokyo! I know it's like a couple of trains away. I'll ask my sister to come with me for the first few times." </p><p>You couldn't believe what you were hearing. </p><p>     "Really?" </p><p>Tooru nodded adamantly before laughing, lifting your spirits like they weren't heavy at all, "And you can come here too! What? Do you think you going away is going to ruin this? You're stuck as my spiker forever, (y/n)!"</p><p>The love you felt for Tooru then was the strongest your 11-year old self had ever felt. For an 11-year old, love is like the dew-drop on fresh grass, early in the morning—rare yet so common. However, the dew-drop had its flaws. While it was the freshest bit of liquid on grass, it was just as easy for it to evaporate into nothing.</p><p>On the eve of your final day in Miyagi, Oikawa Tooru kissed you one last time. </p><p>This time, he kissed you for a few seconds longer than you'd expected him to. This time he was smart enough to kiss you on your cheek, making things less awkward than before. His hand was robotically at his side, but his other hand was holding yours tightly. When he pulled away, he wanted to whisper forever words into your ears, but something was off. Perhaps, someone had told him that this was a sort of finality that 11-year old's could only dream of destroying; but, common sense would devour any hope that could keep their boundless faith from breaking. When Oikawa pulled away from you that evening, you looked at him hopefully and saw nothing return, but you understood.</p><p>The grip he had on your hands was just too tight to say anything otherwise.</p><p>You would not just miss Oikawa Tooru, but he would eternally remain as someone you would never be able to forget. You would not miss Oikawa Tooru, but you would sure as hell never forget him. </p><p>The next morning, Oikawa Tooru watched as you sat in the car that would take you to the airport. Your things had already been shipped away, he had said his final goodbye to you. He was staring at the back of the car, his sister and mother standing right beside him, and he watched as your car drove off. Slowly at first before picking up pace. He felt the back of his eyelids burn but it confused him as to why he thought of certain words you had said, months ago; words that made him realize that you were more than a friend.</p><p>
  <em>I'll always listen to you, Tooru-kun.</em>
</p><p>You were the first girl Oikawa had cried for. You would also remain the last girl Oikawa would cry for, considering no one else came close after that. </p><p>     "Tooru, gonna miss your girlfriend?" His sister teased playfully.</p><p>He remained quiet because it was the truth. It was his father that had reminded him of the common sense he was missing when he'd told you he could visit you. The two of you were going to start Junior High now. He had practice at Kitagawa-Daiichi, the school that had welcomed him for being the star setter that he was, even at the age of 11. Oikawa would be busy on weekends, Oikawa would be busy before and after school—and even though he had your number, a voice in his heart told his brain that there wasn't a lot his volleyball-loving self could do.</p><p>You'd kill him if he chose you over volleyball. So, Oikawa Tooru did what Oikawa Tooru does best. </p><p>He went on to make you proud. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. chapter - two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     “Do you have everything, (y/n)?” Your father asked you for the fourth time that morning. </p><p>You rolled your eyes before glaring at your father, who only responded with a deadpanned expression. It wasn’t as if this was your first day of school, it was the first day of your second year in middle school. It had been a year since moving to Tokyo and joining Inagakuen Middle School. You would have loved to admit to yourself that your heart missed everything about Miyagi, and having left behind everything there including your first love, but time passed in such a way that it forbade the bittersweet memories from haunting your 13-year old soul. On some days, you missed Oikawa Tooru dearly, but on others, you were far too focused on getting along with Futaba and learning more about life in Tokyo. </p><p>    “Be sure to eat the bento, okay?” Your mother called out and you frowned at her. Sure, your father behaved like you were still 10 but why was your mother being the same way? </p><p>You grabbed the bento from her before shoving it forcefully inside your bag, hearing your mother wince at how you were handling the box. You gave her another look with a heavy blush streaked across your face before running to Mona-chan, your sweet Shiba Inu, kissing her on the nose and rushing to the gate of your house. You walked toward the train station before knowing carefully to take the Ginza line to reach Shibuya. Futaba would wait for you there at the Shibuya station, and the two of you would walk to school together. It had become a routine for you two ever since befriending her, and you wouldn’t put it lightly. A part of you wondered if Middle School was this fun back in Miyagi, but there was an ache in your heart were yearning once was; perhaps, Middle School could have been something if you were still setting balls for Tooru.</p><p>Once in the train, you took out your phone before letting Futaba know you were almost there. You could hear people talk inside the train, specifically a few boys who were mumbling about some new game, before hearing someone snicker. For a 13-year old, snickering always meant a bad thing, and the growing insecurity suddenly made you wonder if the boy was perhaps, or might have, been laughing at you. You turned toward the group of two boys before blinking, a questioning gaze presented itself on your features before wanting to know why they were laughing, before you could tell your mind that yes, they were laughing at a joke that had nothing to do with you, you spotted gold eyes pinned directly toward your (e/c) ones. Your own eyes widened at the audacity with which they were gazing at you.</p><p>A moment later, the boy with the golden eyes snickered, pointing to your bag; and your heart jumped. You noticed the quieter black haired kid try to bring the taller boy’s hand down, and you quickly looked at your bag before yelping in horror. Your bento, the one that you had forcefully shoved inside because you didn’t want to waste anymore time at home, had completely come undone inside your bag.</p><p>    “Ah!” </p><p>    “Looks like your bag was too hungry!” The boy said, before you turned to him and snapped.</p><p>    “Why’re you laughing? It’s not funny!”</p><p>    “Maybe not to you.”</p><p>    “Shut up!”</p><p>You felt your face brighten at the sheer embarrassment that you were enduring right then. You wanted to get off the train but the very next station was Shibuya, and judging from the uniform these boys were wearing, they were from your middle school. <em>Just great</em>, you thought before feeling fresh tears burn the corner of your eyes. <em>On a day where I was thinking Tokyo was better than Miyagi! </em>After what seemed like twenty minutes later, you finally got out of the station before finding Futaba at the sides, and you rushed to her without hesitation. </p><p>Futaba took one look at you and instantly understood something was wrong. She noticed the stain in your bag and groaned before slapping her own forehead. A second later, she noticed the golden eyed boy and the shorter, quiet one come out of the train, while the taller one snickered at you.</p><p>    “Kuroo-kun?” Futaba said, “What are <em>you</em> doing here? You take this train too?”</p><p>    “Seems like your friend’s in trouble because of a hungry bag,” He said, “Her bag’s all messed up now—“</p><p>    “Will you shut up?” You snapped at the boy before noticing him snicker some more at you.</p><p>    “Why should I? You don’t feed your bag enough or something?”</p><p>    “What are you even saying?! You sound like a moron—“</p><p>    “Not arguing with you there.” The shorter boy said before sighing.</p><p>Futaba chuckled before shaking her head, “Don’t worry, (y/n)-chan! Let’s get this fixed in the washroom later. Come on, let’s go to school.”</p><p>    “My bag’s leaking though!”</p><p>Suddenly, this Kuroo boy’s laughter screeched in your ears. You felt your ears brighten at how easily he was making fun of you before turning to him with a nasty scowl. You reached inside your bag before grabbing a handful of the bento rice which was now sticking to the bottom of your bag and directly shoving it at Kuroo’s face. His eyes widened before he noticed the white rice sticking to his cheek, before noticing you begin to snicker right back at him. </p><p>Futaba grabbed your hand before leading you away from there, before Kuroo stood there, rice at the edge of his fingers. His friend, Kenma, stared at the boy’s face before shaking his head. A soft smile reached Kuroo’s lips before he chuckled once and walked toward school as well. </p><p>As soon as you reached school, Futaba helped clean your bag within a few minutes. Considering the ease with which she was cleaning the bag, one could have wondered if this had happened to her anytime. She giggled at how you were now suddenly lunchless, but that didn’t matter since your school always had great yakisoba on Mondays and Saturdays. The white rice reminded you of the idiot boy that was laughing at you and instantly at the mere thought of him your mind raged, the anger was palpable and you wanted to throw something again. Futaba seemed to notice, but judging by your silence she assumed you didn’t want to talk about it. Then again, friends don’t really heed to such warnings after all.</p><p>    “Don’t you think Kuroo-kun was being a bit mean?” Futaba asked, looking at you as she helped you scrape rice off the bag.</p><p>You groaned before nodding, “Mean? Ugh! Who does he think he is? My <em>bag</em> was hungry? How lame is that?”</p><p>    “Yeah,” Futaba laughed, “He’s a bit lame.”</p><p>    “I feel bad for that friend of his.” </p><p>    “I’ve never seen that guy around, actually. Must be a first year.”</p><p>Futaba and yourself were put in the same class once more, for which you were thankful for. The two of you were now in class 2-E, which was the preparatory class for High School. You remembered the long hours you spent at Futaba’s house, where the two of you would constantly quiz one another question after question before passing out without realising it. Exam cramming always got to you, turning you into a bundle of nerves, while Futaba remained the single most easily distracted creature to ever work with. Yet, despite all odds, you and Futaba had managed to secure yourselves into the preparatory class for high school and you were never prouder. </p><p>As soon as you walked into class, you froze on your step. There, right behind the desk you were assigned, sat the single-most, infuriating, irksome, aggravating, pesky, moronic—</p><p>    “Hey! Your bag hungry yet?” </p><p>There, right behind the desk you were assigned sat Kuroo.</p><p>You shot Futaba a desperate look before noticing her visibly shrug and pat your shoulders twice before taking her seat beside the window like a regular lead anime character. You sat at the third row, second bench, and on the third sat Kuroo, looking like he was more than ready to ruffle your feathers. As you approached your desk, you noticed how he grinned, showcasing his teeth and you wouldn’t lie, you’d have assumed he was the type to be in class 2-D, with the other…slower students your age. </p><p>Clicking your tongue, you plopped on the desk before noticing him poke your back with the tip of his pencil and you turned to him with a loud wince. You were glaring at him now, which he just found funny, and continued to poke you regardless.</p><p>    “Will you stop?” You wanted to sound concerning, but Kuroo wouldn’t heed to it.</p><p>    “What’s your name? You weren’t in class E last year.”</p><p>Your eyes widened at what he asked. Did that mean Kuroo was in class E the previous year too? Just how smart was this guy? For some reason, this angered you more than you wanted it to. You turned away from him, not wanting to bother answering before feeling his pencil poke you again. You tried sitting there, and waiting for the homeroom teacher but Kuroo continued poking you repeatedly, now making strange noises.</p><p>    “If you won’t tell me your name,” He began, “I’ll just call you (y/n).”</p><p>You instantly blushed at the sudden utterance of your first name, something you wouldn’t let someone like Kuroo ever say. You turned around and slammed your hand at his desk, which only made him smile some more, before frowning deeply at him. </p><p>    “Don’t call me that.”</p><p>    “So your name is…”</p><p>    “…”</p><p>    “Come on,” He urged, tilting his head sideways, “It can’t be that hard.”</p><p>You rolled your eyes before opening your mouth to answer, but a second later, “(l/n)-san? Care to explain why you’re paying Kuroo-san so much attention and not to the class?” </p><p>The sudden voice of your homeroom teacher made you yelp and turn around, and Kuroo’s annoying laughter rang in your ears before feeling the entire class follow after him. You felt your face redden from the embarrassment that now ran through your veins; you were never going to forgive Kuroo for something like this. Throughout the class, you could feel Kuroo sometimes poke at your shoulder and pull your hair, which annoyed you enough already, but it was during the second period did he truly begin doing the unimaginable. </p><p>He was trying to make you laugh.</p><p>You knew that if you did laugh in between class, he’d simply get you in trouble. The second period was of Ushimura, the math teacher, and he tolerated absolutely no nonsense in class. If you were caught laughing, you were sure to be summoned to either solve a sum on the blackboard or reprimanded loudly for the same. You thought of every sad thing that had ever happened to you while Kuroo made those jokes, which were (hard for you to admit) funny, but you couldn’t let him win.</p><p>    “Kuroo,” Ushimura began, “Why don’t you solve this on the board if you find it that amusing?”</p><p>Kuroo stood up without hesitation and walked over to the board, taking the chalk that Ushimura was holding and looking at the sum for a few seconds. You stared at the boy before narrowing your eyes, wondering how in the world he stood there unafraid, especially of Ushimura. A moment later, Kuroo began to write on the board, and the numbers flowed off his fingers so fast that it resonated with the way your heart was beating. It shocked you beyond belief that someone like Kuroo could be that smart, but then again, this was class 2-E. As he was walking back to his desk, he grinned at you as if he had just done something insanely cool, and despite the fact that he had done something cool, you rolled your eyes at him as if it was nothing. After all, you weren’t going to give him any satisfaction beyond the fact that you had made a fool out of yourself earlier that morning in front of him.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>As days passed, you’d learned that Kuroo was a volleyball player. He was part of the school’s team and apparently he was quite good. Volleyball suddenly reminded you of Tooru, and of how you’d lost touch with everything related to volleyball because Tooru was no longer part of your life. Right then, you missed Tooru with everything you had, and it was strange how the second person to remind you of volleyball was someone so catastrophically different from Tooru that it struck a weird chord in your mind; a chord that reminded you that your life in Miyagi was long ago. The fact suddenly made you breathless despite sitting inside class that afternoon. You could barely feel the tip of Kuroo’s pencil poke your shoulder, you could barely hear the teacher’s voice as you drifted away, thinking of setting the ball for Tooru, thinking of his laugh, of the way he’d play with Mona-chan, and of him and his stupid hair.</p><p>    “(l/n)-san, the light producing substance in fireflies. What is it?”</p><p>Your eyes widened. You weren’t paying attention to what she was saying. Suddenly, you broke out in a cold sweat before looking down, feeling the urge to get up and leave. However, a slight breeze sounded by your ear and you heard a soft whisper.</p><p>    “Luciferin.”</p><p>You look at the teacher, your face a bright red, and say, “L-Luciferin.”</p><p>The teacher nodded at you before resuming the lecture. You could feel your heart beating rapidly inside your chest, and you turned to Futaba who was giving you a strange look, obviously relieved that you knew the answer. However, what you desperately wanted to see right then was Kuroo’s face, and you wondered if it was sporting the same annoying grin that it always did or if there was a semblance of any other emotion there. You tugged a few strands of loose hair behind your ear before feeling Kuroo poke at your shoulder again, but the urge to snap at him was strangely absent. Instead, you smiled a bit to yourself at the sheer comic aspect of it all.</p><p>As soon as class was done, you turned to look at Kuroo who cocked one eyebrow at you before pulling a stand of your hair, ripping it off your skull. You winced before slapping his wrist, to which he merely grinned.</p><p>    “That hurt, you idiot!” </p><p>    “I’ll take a strand of your hair as payment for helping you.”</p><p>    “You’re so weird,” You said, standing up, “But, seriously… Thank you.”</p><p>Kuroo’s eyes widened a bit before he mumbled, “Y-Yeah, I mean, I knew the answer so… It’s no big deal. You owe me.”</p><p>You gave him a deadpan before replying instantly, “You violently pulled my hair as payment, right? That totally cancels out the yakisoba I’d have bought you if you hadn’t done it—“</p><p>In a second, Kuroo stood up and gasped at you. You tilted your head before cocking an eyebrow at the sudden change in behaviour in this idiotic bully.</p><p>    “I take it back! Here,” He held the strand of hair toward you, “You can have your stupid grandma hair back!”</p><p>Your eyes widened at his words, “G-Grandma hair?! You know what? You’re a jerk!”</p><p>    “Wait, what about my yakisoba?”</p><p>    “Forget it!”</p><p>Futaba caught up to you a few seconds later and giggled at how annoyed you looked; she understood your distaste for Kuroo, he was a tad bit difficult to be around when he was being a bit of a teasing jerk, but deep down, he was a good guy. Futaba linked her hand into yours and giggled, pushing you a bit to the side out of sheer excitement for nothing, and you smiled at her in retaliation; you loved her with everything you had, the girl had singlehandedly eradicated your loneliness in a matter of minutes. </p><p>Kuroo watched as you and Futaba giggled your way to the cafeteria. Kenma caught up to him before tugging at his shirt sleeve.</p><p>    “You like her.”</p><p>    “What? I <em>do</em> not!”</p><p>    “It’s obvious. It’s like a cat around sardine.”</p><p>Kuroo grimaced at Kenma’s example before shaking his head vehemently, “I do <em>not</em> like her! She’s just fun to tease.”</p><p>Perhaps, Kenma wasn’t too immature for his age and that caused him to be quieter than the crowd around him. Maybe, the games he played gave him an earnest knowledge that allowed him to observe and understand people around him better. The introverted Kuroo had transformed into the kind of boy who teased the girl he likes because that’s how he knew how to demand attention from someone. It was, as a matter of fact, the oldest trick in the book; and Kuroo didn’t even know it was being used. The shorter boy merely sighed at Kuroo’s adamant denial of his feelings before joining him for lunch. </p><p>Once class began that afternoon, Kuroo felt it for the first time; the strange flip of his stomach whenever you turned up. When your eyes met his, he wondered if he hated you because he felt alert all of a sudden as if a teacher had called on him. Having never had a crush on someone before, it wasn’t the first thought that came to his mind. </p><p>     “Hey,” You leaned over the side and whispered to him, instantly causing him to bend forward and listen, “Do you have a spare pencil? I can’t seen to find mine.”</p><p>He handed the one he was holding before realising he didn’t have a spare pencil. But, that didn’t matter. What idiot took notes in chemistry class anyway?</p><p>Perhaps, he didn’t think over it before giving you the pencil. Now, he had nothing to poke you with; nothing to distract you and let you know he was giving you hell. He either had to leave you alone and be satisfied that you were at least using his pencil, but at the same time, he also realized that he could distract you with the tip of his finger. But, what Kuroo realized and didn’t realize at the same time right then was the fact that touching you with his index finger in less than a second would mark one of the biggest changes in his teen life. You would be etched as the first girl he’d touch with his hands, and it was a fact that would sink into his mind only when you turned around and glared at him despite it being the middle of the class. Kuroo stared at you, wide-eyed, and just watched as you pouted angrily before a sneaky grin made its way up to his lips. </p><p>    “Kuroo-san, (l/n)-san, is something the matter?”</p><p>At that second, he didn’t even care if you told on him. As a matter of fact, nothing you would do could ever bring you down from the everlasting good feeling he was having. But instead of telling on him, you huffed and turned around, choosing not to respond. The boy smiled to himself before deciding not to torture you any further, but simply relish in the fact that you were using his pencil, you were the first girl he touched, and the first girl he liked a little more than usual.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Nimble fingers begrudgingly scribbled all over the back page of the notebook, your mind was wandering left, right and center; exams were a week away and there was nothing else on your mind. Futaba had settled in on class 2-E rather easily, almost effortlessly, and here you were, still struggling to hold on to your studies. You let out a sigh. What you didn’t realize was that Kuroo had noticed; he had also noticed that this had been your fourth sigh, longer than the second, but the third one had been the longest. He was aware that there was something bothering you, something mayhaps related to the exams that were incoming. Practice was going to be put on halt after today because exams were drawing near but then again, he had never really considered you as someone so deathly afraid of exams. </p><p>However, nothing else could explain your behavior better than exam jitters. You were tapping your feet incessantly, the back of your notebook was cursed to receive never-ending scribbles from your pencil (his pencil that you had forgotten to return, and he had never bothered to ask back), and your half-hooded eyes, which looked drained and worried. </p><p>Leaning forward, Kuroo whispered, “It’s the last day of practice today,” Your ears perked up at the sudden difference in conversation, “Do you want to come watch?”</p><p>You blinked before realizing Kuroo wasn’t exactly teasing you like he normally did, but instead was doing something different. You were always curious about your school’s volleyball team considering how you had previously been affiliated with the sport. But, this was Kuroo; he was nothing like Oikawa. You pressed your lips together before wondering what could go wrong, maybe, you needed the distraction considering all that you had been thinking about lately was the exams. You nodded wordlessly before hearing him let out a breath of air and a soft chuckle. </p><p>Once school was done, Kuroo waited for you near the lockers before noticing Futaba join in as well. He almost frowned but shrugged before taking it as a win that at least you had agreed. </p><p>    “How come you asked us to come to practice today?”</p><p>    “No reason. Just wanted to show you two how amazing I am.” Kuroo said, placing both his hands on his hip. </p><p>You rolled your eyes but didn’t say anything, which caught his eye. It sometimes alerted him on how much he knew about your antics and behavior; it was strange, as if he had memorized it. But, all Kuroo knew just then was that he was standing completely still; and among that stillness was a pounding heart.</p><p>He led the two of you toward the gym and laughed as he entered. You watched as Kuroo interacted with the team with an ease that he displayed wherever he went and it settled in your mind that Kuroo was someone who was considered popular, despite being lame more than half the time. The person who looked like the team captain slapped his back before they laughed once more, and when he had forgotten to meet your eyes again did you realize that maybe, just maybe, you might have understood him a little incorrectly.</p><p>You didn’t know what position he played, even though Oikawa had spent a lot of time explaining to you what the different positions were you still weren’t confident enough to name them on your own. However, your eyes lingered on Kuroo’s friend, noticing that position anywhere. Your eyes twinkled with the reminiscence of the past and your heart ached for Miyagi in a way it hadn’t in such a long time. When Kuroo turned and spotted your gaze fixed on Kenma instead, he thought he had done something wrong. Was this how you were supposed to react? If so, why did it feel so wrong? He turned to Kenma before begrudgingly getting back to the game. What Kuroo didn’t notice was when you looked at him as well, here and there, but were reminded of a time that inevitably broke you.</p><p>During practice, Futaba rubbed your shoulder before walking home alone, knowing full well that you wanted to stay behind a little more. Kuroo noticed Futaba leave, but his heart was aching at how your eyes were constantly fixed at Kenma more than at him. It bothered him more than he thought it would. Once practice was done, you approached him before offering him a sweet smile. Kuroo just stared at you before realizing he had lost whatever it was in him that made him smile at you. You blinked before tilting your head.</p><p>    “Tired?”</p><p>He shrugged before walking away, going to the locker rooms to change. You opened your mouth to say something but realized that Kuroo must have just been tired. Once he came out again, you grabbed the back of his shirt before yanking him toward you. He turned, his hair an absolute mess, before glaring at you—a look you hadn’t exactly seen on him before.</p><p>    “What’s wrong?”</p><p>    “Why don’t you go ask Kenma? You were staring at him the whole time!” </p><p>He had no idea why his face was burning, but he was beyond glad that there was no one around him at the moment. You stared at his face before realizing he had caught you, and when your eyes became downcast, Kuroo clicked his tongue and understood that he shouldn’t have yelled at you.</p><p>    “Listen, I—“</p><p>    “Have you ever been in love before?”</p><p>    “Eh?” Kuroo’s face reddened at the ‘L’ word being mentioned so randomly. </p><p>You and Kuroo picked your things up and walked out of the gym, Kenma having gone further already, not that Kuroo minded. You and Kuroo walked side by side toward the train station, separated by mere inches, hearts heavy for different reasons, pace considerably slower than usual.</p><p>    “So, yeah. Been in love before?”</p><p>    “<em>No</em>,” Kuroo didn’t know why he felt as if he was lying, “What’s with the lame question?”</p><p>    “There was this boy back in my hometown. Before I moved to Tokyo.”</p><p>Kuroo’s eyes widened, “You’re not from Tokyo?”</p><p>You shook your head, “No, I’m from Miyagi. And… So was this boy. He was a volleyball player too. He played as a setter. I used to set balls for him!”</p><p>Kuroo’s eyes widened before realizing why you were staring at Kenma. His heart warmed at how it wasn’t because of what he thought, but more so because he reminded you of someone else. Albeit the fact that Kuroo wasn’t too happy there had been another guy, he was thrilled that it had been a whole year and it didn’t look like you were going anywhere. </p><p>    “You should watch us more then,” He said, “There’s a lot more positions that are better than the setter.”</p><p>    “Like?”</p><p>    “The middle blocker.” Kuroo said, rubbing his nose. </p><p>When the two of you reached the station, you had let him know how much watching practice that day helped. The lack of teasing almost made it ridiculously easy to talk to Kuroo, nevertheless, he was still a jerk. You revealed to him a second before getting on the train that you were nervous about the exams and you really needed a break.</p><p>    “We can study together if you want,” Kuroo suggested, “I’m really good. I can help if you’re bad at studying.”</p><p>    “I’m not bad! I’m just nervous!”</p><p>Kuroo chuckled, “Same thing.”</p><p>You slapped his shoulder, “They’re not the same thing!”</p><p>However, right then a pact had been made, a bond had been forged. Kuroo had promised to help you study and you were going to take him up on that offer regardless of how it might turn out. After all, you wanted to save face while being in 2-E, which meant that you had to work hard. Especially if you wanted to keep up with Futaba. </p><p>So, when exams were drawing near, you and Kuroo sat at the school library, sitting next to each other while the two of you solved math problems. It was easily distracting to be sitting beside him the way you were, considering how he’d finish all the problems several seconds before you finished even half of them; and how he’d graze his fingers over your hair before yanking unexpectedly, earning a strong yelp out of you, which made him laugh a dorky laugh.</p><p>    “Kuroo! Stop!”</p><p>    “It’s fun—“</p><p>    “I need to finish this,” Your voice broke in the end, “I… I’m not as good as you are. So please. Stop—“</p><p>He grabbed your shoulders a moment later before frowning at you. He shook his head before knocking on your head harshly, earning a wince from you. You glared at him as tears filled your eyes. </p><p>    “You’re not stupid, you know,” He said, “Dad makes me study every day so this is easy for me.”</p><p>    “Study every day?” </p><p>Kuroo nodded, “Yeah, he helps me every morning. Ever since Ma passed, he’s been extra. It’s a pain sometimes but I get it. So, I keep up. And that gives me the power to know who’s stupid and who’s not. And I can tell you’re not.”</p><p>    “You really don’t think I’m stupid?”</p><p>Kuroo shook his head before smiling widely, “Nope! You’re just a girl with grandma hair and a hungry bag.”</p><p>You slapped his head before turning back to the books. A soft grin grazed your lips before you attempting to solve the math problems again. Kuroo tilted his head before feeling his heart race at the mere sight of you sitting beside him and working on something. It was odd, but he liked it.</p><p>    “Have you…” He felt his face redden again, “…you know, kissed anyone?”</p><p>You paused for a second before feeling bashful at the sudden memory. While it was unpleasant two years ago, right now, as a 13-year old girl, the thought of a kiss meant differently to you than it did before. You almost giggled before nodding and breaking Kuroo’s heart in the process.</p><p>    “Y-Yeah, it was so weird, you know?”</p><p>    “No, I…” He rubbed the back of his neck, “I’ve never kissed anyone so…”</p><p>You nodded before turning to him. You didn’t know what to say, and neither did he, but the silence was somehow not uncomfortable. The table at which you sat was strangely empty despite it being so close to the exams, but neither one of you complained.</p><p>    “Hey so,” Kuroo threw his hands on the table before laying his head down, “Would you wanna kiss me?”</p><p>You didn’t notice his eyes were closed, but you assumed Kuroo was being his regular teasing self before breaking out laughing. His eyes widened at your reaction before feeling his heart rate accelerate. </p><p>    “Why would I want to kiss you? You’re my friend!”</p><p>    “Oh, yeah,” Kuroo laughed awkwardly, “Right. I knew that. I was just joking.”</p><p>    “I should know when you’re joking and when you’re not. You’re such a jerk, Kuroo.”</p><p>He turned away before laying his head on the table, and grumbled, his eyes a tad bit downcast at the indirect rejection. It felt as if you had easily ripped out a part of his heart and thrown it aside. But at the same time, you were smiling at him as if he was all you could see. It confused him, beyond belief, but at the same time, it wasn’t too unpleasant. </p><p>    “Y-Yeah.”</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>On your last day of second-year middle school, you approached Kuroo before tapping him on the shoulder. He turned to you before instantly breaking out into a fit of laughter, before you slapped him on the shoulder. </p><p>    “What kind of haircut is <em>that</em>?!”</p><p>    “Shut up! I thought it looked good!”</p><p>    “You’re seriously that worried about me calling you grandma or something?!”</p><p>    “Tetsu! Don’t be mean! Just tell me if it looks good for the photo!”</p><p>Kuroo laughed some more before calming down, letting out a sigh at the entire ordeal. When you tilted your head at him with a soft pout, Kuroo felt a bit of his heart ache at the way you stood there, oblivious to his feelings. Yet, no part of him felt the need to tell you—after all, he had crawled his way into your heart by becoming ‘Tetsu’ from ‘Kuroo’ in a matter of days after the exam studying session, and ever since then, Kuroo didn’t even have to tease you to get your attention.</p><p>    “Well?”</p><p>Kuroo sighed before ruffling your hair, messing the entire look in a second before earning a tight slap across his bed head. He made a funny noise before laughing once more and choosing to run for it, knowing you would chase him just so you could get another chance to beat him. As he ran, he gulped the air around him and thought the things he one day wished he'd be able to tell you out loud.</p><p>
  <em>You look real cute, (y/n).</em>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. chapter - three</h2></a>
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    <em>Beating out of my chest, my heart is holding onto you... From the moment I knew, from the moment I knew.</em>
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</blockquote><p> </p><p>     “You’re going to Okinawa?!” </p><p>You pulled the phone aside to block your ears from Tetsu’s screeching. Not that he was jealous that you were going on a vacation with your family right before final year middle school, but of all places, it had to be Okinawa? The sunny beachside, unlike Tokyo’s gloomy city-scapes, was something Kuroo was always curious to visit. </p><p>     “Yeah, I think it’ll be fun,” You urged, “Besides, I’ve never really been to the beach before.”</p><p>It had been a promise you’d once made with Tooru years ago. The two of you had decided to play beach volleyball with each other, and it was a thrilling thing to think about since you two were 11-year olds in love, wishing for something in your shared future. You were brought back to the present when you heard Tetsu laughing at some joke he made before you chuckled along with him. Not only did you grow to adore Tetsu in the time that you knew him, but you were also more than happy that he was your best friend. </p><p>     “Is Futaba going to be there with you?” He asked.</p><p>     “No, it’s just going to be me, mum, and dad.” </p><p>     “Ah, no fun. You’ll be alone then.”</p><p>     “I’ll have the beach.”</p><p>     “Going to the beach alone? That’s sad, even for you, (y/n).”</p><p>You frowned before adding a rejoinder, “Shut up, Tetsu. We’ll all go one day.” </p><p>     “Yeah, sounds like a plan. When’re you leaving?”</p><p>     “Tomorrow! I’m kinda excited.”</p><p>     “Well, bring something back for me!”</p><p>You giggled before rolling your eyes and ending the call. It had become a routine for you to speak to Kuroo almost every night when you weren’t going to school. At one point, you figured you spoke to Kuroo more than you spoke to Futaba, not that it was a problem considering the three of you were close either way. You’d even been introduced to Kenma after that, and it was strange and exciting to have your own little group in middle school that you could call close friends. Your presence in the volleyball court was a lot more than usual now, and you’d learned by heart all positions, you’d even started to understand more on how the game worked; this time you weren’t alone with just one person, but an entire team, after all. </p><p>Kuroo and Kenma both explained to you what the other positions were, and your eyes no longer strayed any second on to the setter. You focused on every position—the wing spiker, the middle blocker, and the libero (a position that intrigued you, regardless). You debated on becoming the manager for the team in your final year, but it wasn’t necessary considering the team already had two managers. Yet, that didn’t stop you from going to every single one of the practices, and before you even realized it, you began to love the sport—and it had stopped becoming the root that still linked you to a past flame. You didn’t blame Oikawa for the hurt that volleyball gave you, after all, it was not his fault that your relationship ended. You only gave yourself more credit this time, moving forward and not looking back, but loving the sport differently from how you had before.</p><p>After the phone call, you hopped over to Mona-chan, your sweet dog who had turned 12 the other day, before rubbing her cheeks. The Shiba Inu was to stay at Futaba’s house while you were away, and despite the fact that Mona-chan adored Futaba, she sensed that you were going away and was agitated regardless. You brushed a few strands of your hair behind your ear and wondered if you could sport the short-haired look in high school, regardless of how you felt about it. You missed your hair the second you had cut it off, but now that it had been cut off, you weren’t sure if you hated it or liked it. </p><p>The next morning, you were woken up too early by Futaba who was there to pick up Mona-chan. She grinned at you before pulling you to a stand position, and your eyes widened before you hugged her excitedly. </p><p>     “Don’t forget to bring me back something! Okinawa’s going to be so much fun!”</p><p>     “Yeah! And do not feed Mona-chan any shrimp, she gets gassy.”</p><p>     “I <em>know</em>,” Futaba rolled her eyes, “Have fun, okay? The short hair looks great on you! And,” She grinned cheekily before tilting her head, “If you see any cute guy, make sure to take his number!”<br/> <br/>Your eyes widened at Futaba’s sharpness before playfully pushing her shoulder. You weren’t going to Okinawa for boys; despite being a 14-year old with dreams of finding a cute guy she could call her boyfriend. You stopped missing Oikawa a while ago, yet, the ache that he left behind still stayed and you wondered if you would ever find anyone who could replace the hole that you had carved for yourself. After getting ready, you walked over to the car that would take you to the airport and waved at Futaba as she hugged Mona-chan, and you could feel your heart escalate at the premise of a vacation. Your mother smiled at you, and your father focused on driving, but you were ecstatic. Having never been to the beach before, every part of you wondered what the beach had in store for you. </p><p><br/>*</p><p><br/>Landing in Okinawa, you immediately felt the humidity slap you in the face. You were glad you were wearing a sleeveless tank with shorts, and the fact that your hair was short was now a blessing; you looked around and found too many people wearing similar clothes, thus proving that Okinawa wasn’t your unique idea for a vacation, but the entire world’s. Your mother giggled at your sudden realization before taking your hand in hers, guiding you toward the airport cab that would take you to the hotel. </p><p>     “Do you want to rest up before—“</p><p>     “The beach! That’s why we’re here! I want to go!” You exclaimed, excitement slipping out of you like water off a sponge. </p><p>Your father chuckled before nodding and replying, “Okay, let’s go unpack first and then head out. Is that okay?”</p><p>     “Yes!”</p><p>You pulled out your phone once you were inside the airport cab and immediately texted Kuroo, knowing that he’d be awake. It was 11 a.m., and if was still sleeping you were sure to call him until he woke up. Luckily, he replied in an instant before making you grin. <em>How is it there?</em> He asked, and you rolled your eyes, <em>Not even at the beach yet and it’s boiling!</em> You could picture Kuroo grinning widely at your remark before you asked him what his plans were.</p><p><em>We have practice</em>, you blinked at the message. <em>Ah</em>, you recalled your school’s loss against the other middle school whose name you had forgotten. Despite it being a close match, you’d never seen Kuroo look so devastating hung over the loss. It wasn’t as if your school had never lost before, but there was something about that one match that made Kuroo remarkably antsy. You couldn’t tell if it was the libero from the other team who did more to aggravate Kuroo by catching all his serves and spikes, but it was the fact that the libero was actually quite good that drove him up the wall. Because of that loss, Kuroo and the entire team were required to practice even during the vacation; but strangely, Kuroo didn’t seem to mind entirely. </p><p>His love for the sport often moved your heart and you respected your best friend’s wishes to be a good player. You wondered if Kuroo would ever meet that pale-haired libero again, whose very existence proved to be a bane in your best friend’s life. </p><p>     “We’re here, (y/n)!” Your dad tried to sound as excited as you were, and you giggled at his attempt. </p><p>The hotel was large, but at the same time, close enough to the beach. You adored the setting, and you were simply thrilled with the idea that in less than 30 minutes, you would be on the beach sand, getting your feet wet. You had first seen a beach on TV, swiping on a random National Geographic channel, and you couldn’t believe what your eyes were seeing. You wondered what it would be like to be surrounded by water, to feel absolutely smaller than you actually were, and it thrilled you to no extent to visualize something so expansive right before your very eyes. Now, you were mere minutes away from seeing it in action, and the thought brought tears into your eyes. You weren’t essentially a dreamer, but it didn’t hurt to do so every once in a while; and while a part of you hoped for Oikawa to be here, with you, looking at a sight you had promised to go to together, you were just as happy to be here by yourself, because time heals all wounds. </p><p>You jumped out of the car and could see the beach in the distance, and you gasped in awe. You felt your father pat your shoulder before smiling at you, which you returned tenfold. You followed your parents to the hotel room and you were thrilled to see that it gave you a view of the ocean. </p><p>     “It looks so amazing,” You said to no one, but felt your heart move at the gorgeous sight, “I can’t wait to actually go there!”</p><p>     “Then help me pack!” Your mother called out playfully, and you tackled her instantly. </p><p>Once you were done setting up your things and washing your face for good measure, you changed into your beach clothes and slippers before exclaiming in joy. I wish Tooru-kun was here, you thought with a bittersweet smile but shook the thought away as soon as it came.<em> It’s okay</em>, you thought, <em>I’ll have enough fun for the both of us!</em> You followed after your mother and held your father’s hand as you were guided out of the hotel, and followed the route that would take you to the beach. However, you blinked when you saw police lined up at the entrance, and your eyes narrowed when you saw a large crowd huddled at the entrance as well.</p><p>     “What’s going on?” You heard your mother ask, and your father let go of your hand to go inquire.</p><p>     “Officer, is something wrong?”</p><p>     “There’s been a tsunami alert, and an earthquake alert. Are you part of that hotel there?” The officer asked, and your eyes widened.</p><p>      “Yes, actually.” Your mother replied.</p><p>      “Ma’am, you might be evacuated to a safer place for the time being. We’re expecting a 4.5 to hit us in less than two hours, people have been feeling tremors all morning. It’s not safe.”</p><p>      “No!” You rushed forward and pursed your lips, “I’ve been wanting to see the beach for years now! You can’t…”</p><p>The officer smiled warmly at you, offering you an apology with just his eyes. You felt your mother pull you back and you stiffened, feeling your heart drop. You had come all this way, you were merely meters away from the beach and yet, fate was stopping you from experiencing the one thing you’d been dreaming of for a long while. You felt your lower lip wobble at the news, but you weren’t going to cry. You frowned so hard, ignoring the growing pain inside your throat for preventing your tears from spilling, but there wasn’t much you could do. You grasped on to your mother’s hand before letting her guide you back to the hotel so you could pack.</p><p>Being evacuated meant you were going to be taken to a larger, more open space—along with the other people who stayed at the hotel. Okinawa had regular earthquakes, and a tsunami warning was an almost everyday occurrence. You’d never thought it would happen on the day you were visiting however, but you knew it was just bad luck. </p><p>      “(y/n),” Your father called out but you ignored him, “We can always go tomorrow if they say it’s safe.”</p><p>You pressed your lips together, choosing not to respond. Your father shot your mother a worried look, before she shook her head. She knew you just needed time, and by leaving you alone to your thoughts, you’d embrace what you were feeling on your own. Your parents quietly packed the essentials before taking you downstairs, learning where the evacuation centre was. It was the Kadena Air Base, not too far from where you currently were, and taking a cab there till you could walk was the safer option. You were quiet during the entire trip there, letting Kuroo know via text message that you were just unlucky. When he didn’t respond, you knew he must be in the middle of practice. Yet, despite knowing, you felt utterly alone.</p><p>The Kadena Air Base, or the “Keystone of the Pacific”, was essentially the largest air base in the east. You were however asked to head to Marek Park, a high point in Kadena that served as an evacuation centre whenever there was a tsunami alert or an earthquake threat. Your eyes widened when you saw a large group of people having already gathered at the Park, and despite it being  just close to noon, the splintering heat did little to ease your already turbulent mind. You were guided to a smaller tent that was allocated to your family; each member from the hotel you had taken a room in were given a tent, and you were to stay there for the time being. Food and water will be handed to you in the park itself, and while it did seem like you were a prisoner for now, seeing so many people around made you feel a tad bit better.</p><p>You noticed the tent that was situated right beside you and gulped when you saw a boy, your age, lying down on the grass out in the open. He didn’t look too pleased to even be here, a feeling you so mutually agreed with, but there was something else about his boy that you knew you had seen before. When he opened his eyes, he could definitely feel eyes on him, which led him to turn and look at you, causing you to jump on your spot. He blinked twice before gasping and pointing at you, his jaw-dropping.</p><p>     “You’re that girl!”</p><p>     “What?”</p><p>     “From that school we destroyed!”</p><p>You narrowed your eyes before finally piecing one thing together. His cat-like eyes, the pale brown hair, and the ridiculously short stature—this was the libero from the other school that your school hadn’t beaten. The reason why Kuroo was stuck in practice. You immediately narrowed your eyes before deeming him a threat before brushing a hand through your short hair and turning away. Your mother blinked before asking if you knew him, and you shook your head violently. </p><p>     “H-Hey! It was just a game!” He said, narrowing his own eyes, “D-Don’t make me seem like I’m a bad guy!”</p><p>You turned to him before letting out a breath. He had a point. You noticed him lean up and place his hands on his hips before letting out a breath. A smile adorned his lips now and you felt your heart quicken its pace. He was cute if you looked at him from a different angle. <em>Despite his height</em>, you told yourself. </p><p>     “My name is Morisuke Yaku. Nice to meet you, uh…”</p><p>     “(l/n) (y/n). My best friend hates you.”</p><p>Yaku grimaced before responding, “Is your best friend that… that Kuroo guy?”</p><p>You offered him a deadpan before defending him, “Do you have a problem with Kuroo?”</p><p>     “Yeah, he’s a nuisance.”</p><p>     “He thinks you’re one.”</p><p>     “He’s wrong. I was just playing.” Yaku said, shrugging. </p><p>Your mother let you and Yaku converse, which was definitely keeping your mind occupied from the growing sadness from not having seen the beach. You found a spot on the grass near your tent, adjacent to his, before sitting down across from him. You were glad that the tent gave you shade, but it didn’t help much considering the humidity that was boiling your skin. You let out a sigh and wiped some sweat off your forehead before groaning. </p><p>     “I <em>hate</em> beaches,” You heard Yaku mutter, “I wanted to go to the mountains.”</p><p>     “The mountains?”</p><p>He nodded, “Best place to go to during the summer. Why would you suffer through so much heat when it’s supposed to be hot in the first place? The mountains are colder. Better.”</p><p>You disagreed, “I… I really wanted to see the beach.”</p><p>Yaku looked at you before realizing he had said the wrong thing. He mentally cursed himself for his own words before struggling to think of the right thing to say. </p><p>     “Uh… You… Haven’t you seen a beach before?”</p><p>You shook your head, “I’ve always wanted to. I even cut my hair.”</p><p>Yaku blushed before clearing his throat, “Well, it’s not like this warning is going to last for days. It usually lasts for a few hours before they say it’s okay for us to go back.”</p><p>     “You’ve been in such an evacuation thing before?”</p><p>Yaku shrugged, “Once. We came here when I was a kid and the same thing happened. I didn’t want to come back but my sister likes the beach and clearly, no one likes me.” Yaku grumbled. </p><p>You giggled at his complaining before leaning against your tent. “I’m sure that’s not true.”</p><p>     “You’ll never know. Your best friend hates me for doing something I was supposed to. Not that I mind, because your best friend is an—“ You glared at him before noticing him swallow his words. </p><p>     “A-Anyway, you like volleyball?”</p><p>You nodded before responding, “Yeah! I can’t play, but I do love to watch. You… You’re a libero, right?”</p><p>Yaku beamed, “You remember?”</p><p>Of course, you remembered. You wouldn’t lie, but more than his name or his features, you could remember clearly how Yaku played. He wasn’t just good, there was something about the way he understood the game itself that made it easy for him to move around as if he were walking on air. Yaku understood the court better than anyone else that day, and this was what gave him the upper hand. Kuroo could get mad all he wants, but even he deep down knew that Yaku was a formidable opponent. And you blushed when you thought that he was a tad bit cute on the side too.</p><p>You noticed him hand you a melon bread and you blinked. Yaku smiled before urging you to take it, and you accepted it with a smile on your own. A second later, your mother approached you for lunch and noticed that you and Yaku were talking. Yaku visibly froze at the sight of your mother, but you introduced him.</p><p>     “This is Morisuke, he… he beat our school in volleyball.” You gave Yaku a mean yet playful glare, which he returned with an awkward smile.</p><p>Your mother blinked before clapping her hands together, "What a small world! I’ll leave you two to catch up.”</p><p>Secretly, your mother was glad you’d found a friend you could talk to. This only meant you could forget about the disaster about not being able to go to the beach earlier. She turned to spot Yaku smiling at you before cocking an eyebrow, visibly teasing you about something, and she smiled to herself. You had the innate ability to make friends wherever you went—whether it was a best friend for life with Futaba on day one, or an enemy to best friend with Kuroo, or even a stranger to a friend with Morisuke. She wondered where you got that brilliant quality from, but she assumed it was only because you were such a kind child.</p><p>     “Yaku-kun,” You said, “If you were to go against our team again, do you think you’ll win?”</p><p>     “Of course! I beat you once, I’ll beat you again.”</p><p>     “What if, I take to my team information about how you play and make sure that the next time we face each other, we win?”</p><p>     “What makes you think I’ll tell you anything?” He asked, teasingly, which caused your stomach to flip, “B-But anyway, I consider your stupid best friend a rival so the next time we fight it’ll be all out.”</p><p>     “A rival?”</p><p>     “Y-Yeah. I mean,” Yaku looked away from you, blushing a bit, “I don’t want you to think I think you guys are weak or anything. It was a close match.”</p><p>Perhaps, it was the way he was avoiding your gaze that you found cute. You felt yourself smiling at the way he was, before giggling and turning away. Yaku turned to look at you before feeling a familiar sort of warmth build in his stomach; he had had a crush on a girl before, but with your short hair and the way you were so easily talking to him about a sport he adored, Yaku found himself vomiting words to you before his mind could even think. </p><p>     “And h-hey,” He said, looking up at the sky, as you ate the melon bread quietly, “About the beach… I know you love beaches and all, but if you hadn’t been evacuated before the tsunami hit, you’d end up hating it.”</p><p>Your eyes widened at his words. He was right. If you had experienced something terrible on the first time you went to the beach, your entire perception of the expansive blue that you loved so much would end up changing. This way, your first time was still intact, safe, and you were free to experience a good time regardless. You smiled at the pale-haired boy before giggling.</p><p>     “You’re really sweet, aren’t you?”</p><p>Yaku blushed darkly at what you said before coughing into his fist. He was tempted to scold you, but he’d never scold a girl, or that’s what his mind was screaming at him. But, he felt so uncomfortable to just sit there, idiotically red-faced at something you said, so he knew he had to say something to divert the attention. He turned to you and blinked, eyeing you in such a way that made you feel small under his intense gaze, causing a streak of red to fall upon your cheeks, which Yaku mindlessly caught. A grin came on to his lips before he found the right thing to say.</p><p>     “Are you blushing?”</p><p>     “No! I’m feeling hot!” You argued, shutting your eyes.</p><p>Yaku chuckled before taking his phone out, wondering if he could ask you for your number. He noticed you’d taken your phone out in the meantime and blinked at you—short hair, sweet smile, down to earth, you were legitimately very cute in his eyes, but it was ridiculous how he met you again. Before he could open his mouth to ask for your number, he heard you giggle. He blinked before waiting to see if you’d tell him why.</p><p>     “Kuroo can’t believe you’re here with me.”</p><p>Yaku gulped when he saw you smile at the mention of the black-haired male’s name. He wondered if he really was your best friend or if you simply said best friend to avoid mentioning that you two were secretly something more. He shoved his phone inside his pocket before deciding to not ask you, after all.</p><p>     “You told him I’m here?”</p><p>You nodded before admitting, “I tell him everything.”</p><p>What more proof did he need? Yaku had never been so sure in his 14-years of life, and just learning that the name Kuroo slips out of your lips so casually made him understand that every part of you was a tad bit untouchable. As much as he thought you were cute, the circumstance was a bit too unreal; and it was alright to let you go, even though it did hurt him a little on the inside. Three more hours passed with quiet bantering between you and Yaku, and the sky suddenly falling quieter and the sun milder; your mind was completely taken off the fact that the beach was closed for the next two days, but you were thankful that you were in Okinawa for a whole week. Just before you were allowed to head back to the hotel, Yaku stopped you by tapping on your shoulder. You smiled at him before noticing him smile right back, before hearing him say something sweet.</p><p>     “You’ve still got your chance,” He said, “To see the beach.”</p><p>You nodded, “Two days.”</p><p>Yaku chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck, “Y-Yeah. Listen, I…” He desperately wanted to ask if you wanted to go to the beach together, but was he even allowed to? </p><p>     “Yaku-kun,” You suddenly said, avoiding his gaze, “D-Do you want to go to the beach with me?”</p><p>His eyes widened before he blinked as if you were a fool. Did he even understand what you had said? His silence disabled you from meeting his gaze, but Yaku coughed a moment later, alerting your attention. His face was a bright red, and you wondered if any part of him was broken.</p><p>     “Yaku-kun?”</p><p>     “Y-Yeah, I mean… I’m not doing anything and we’re here, after all. Why not?”</p><p><em>That’s right</em>, he thought internally, <em>I’ll sound cool to her by saying that</em>. Yaku looked at you expectantly before noticing your eyes twinkle at his words. Just as he had assumed, you did indeed think he was cool, but not for the same reason he believed you did. You smiled before tilting your head and waving at him, shooting his heart to the skies. </p><p>     “See you in two days, then!”</p><p>Yaku watched as you left, letting out a sigh. <em>Yeah</em>, he thought,<em> See you in two days.</em></p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p><em>Maybe I should ask her for her number</em>, he thought as he stared into the mirror. He gulped once before wondering if this was a date but knew full well that it wasn’t. But, Yaku knew exactly what it indeed was, if not a date. It was his first time going to the beach with a girl—his first time going anywhere with a girl. A shy smile adorned his lips when he thought of may be holding your hand as you walked on the beach, watching as you admired the big blue for the first time, and suddenly the knowledge hit him as well.</p><p>It was <em>your</em> first time too.</p><p>Suddenly, his heart started to beat faster, and the pressure started to rise within his own mind. He groaned before clutching his head in agony at the expectations he now had. Was it really a date? Was he supposed to bring flowers? What if it wasn’t a date and he got flowers? Wouldn’t that make him look like a fool? He groaned into the air, avoiding his sister’s curious gaze, and finally took a deep breath before muttering ‘now or never’, and walking out.</p><p>He spotted you on the beach near the entrance, eyes stuck to the water. You had to walk a bit more further to reach the beach that was carved in your memory, and Yaku found it all the more cute that your childish curiosity was being played out so vividly. </p><p>     “Hey!” Boy, was he glad he didn’t stammer.</p><p>You turned to him and beamed, shooting his heart to the skies, “Hey! Let’s go?”</p><p>He could tell you were excited, and no part of him blamed you. He walked beside you toward the beach and noticed how you were giggling at almost nothing. You were wearing shorts and a tank, and your short hair was flowing freely; Yaku then realized that he perhaps liked girls with short hair, and maybe, you were the reason.</p><p>     “It looks so pretty,” You said, admiringly, “I can’t believe you don’t like beaches.”</p><p>Yaku scoffed, “The mountains are prettier.” </p><p>     “Yeah, sure,” You giggled before stepping into the water, wetting your feet. “So cold!”</p><p><em>Tell her</em>, he thought to himself. <em>Tell her she looks cute or something!</em> Yaku pursed his lips before feeling his heart bang against his chest. <em>It’s now or never!</em> He thought, before opening his mouth to speak. However, you broke the silence first.</p><p>     “I’m going to send a picture to Tetsu!”</p><p>Yaku instantly swallowed air before looking down at his feet. It didn’t matter if you were dating Kuroo or not anymore, it was just clear to him that you wouldn’t look at Yaku the same way. However, he missed the way you glanced at him and smiled shyly, before wondering what it would feel like if you were to link your hands to his. However, when he never initiated anything, your shy self felt a bit intimidated to anything on your own. However, you felt Yaku come forward and stand beside you—and despite the fact that you were a few inches taller, you felt peaceful.</p><p><em>He’s so cute,</em> you thought, your cheeks flaring, unaware that he thought the same. </p><p>     “You know,” He began, scratching his chin, looking away from you, “I… This is… the first time I’ve come to the beach with a girl, so… like… you’re the first girl I’m doing this with.”</p><p>Your eyes widened and you could feel your heart race, “Y-You too!”</p><p>Yaku blinked, “Eh?”</p><p>     “I-I mean, you’re the first guy I’ve come to the beach with. I…” <em>I was supposed to come with someone else but</em>…, “I’m glad it’s you, shelter partner.”</p><p>Yaku chuckled before failing to notice your now touching shoulders. </p><p>     “Me too.”</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>On your walk back to the hotel room, Kuroo called you out of nowhere after you had sent a message that triggered him.</p><p>     “You think Morisuke is cute?! What is wrong with you?”</p><p>You giggled, “I don’t think he thinks of me the same way, though…” </p><p>You could hear Kuroo sigh on the other end, “He’s an idiot. Come on, I do not approve!” You laughed some more at the sheer intolerance Kuroo had for Yaku.</p><p>     “It’s okay,” You said, feeling your heart feel full, “I’m glad I got this much with him, though. Some crushes are meant to be…I don’t know…unrequited?”</p><p>Kuroo knew full well with an immense intensity that you were right. Some crushes are indeed meant to be unrequited. While a part of him burned with the facts you had muttered, another part of him rejoiced that you now shared a pain he had gone through as well. He laughed at the ridiculous thought before shaking his head.</p><p>     “But, <em>Yaku</em>? Seriously? The guy’s shorter than you!”</p><p>     “Tetsu, don’t be mean! Height doesn’t matter!”</p><p>     “Not to short people it doesn’t!”</p><p>In the midst of it all, perhaps your 14-year old self was more profound than you had given yourself credit for. Unrequited needn’t always carry with it a sense of dread; for you, it now carried the breeze of the beach in the evening, and the slight nudge of Yaku’s shoulder, and an aching wonder of how his fingers would have felt if they were linked with yours.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. chapter - four (i)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Trigger Warnings: Loss of Pet, Mentions of death. Please skip this if you do not wish to read. I wrote this based on my experience of losing my pet, and I hope you keep in mind that no part of that was assumed/made up. If you do not wish to read that, you can skip this chapter. This chapter is very long, so I had to split it into two parts. Thank you so much! </p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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    <em>And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while...</em>
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</blockquote><p> </p><p>•─────☾ ☽─────•</p><p> </p><p>It was in the middle of the night when you heard it the first time. Your eyes shot open and you instantly turned to your right, and there, Mona-chan, your sweet 14-year old Shiba Inu, whimpered continuously as if she were in pain. You gasped before rushing to her, hands reaching out and she moaned at the slightest touch. You ran over to your parents' room, not bothered about the time, and banged on their door, screaming for help. Your mum and dad both rushed out, and you gave them a look with your eyes filled with worry.</p><p>    “It’s… It’s happening again.”</p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>The first time you’d visited the vet was when you thought Mona-chan had eaten something. It was on a Sunday afternoon, right in the middle of your yearly vacations before entering your second year, when you’d taken Mona-chan to the vet, and there was a long line of people standing there, waiting to get their pets checked for one thing or the other. You groaned before realizing it might have been better to inform them before coming, but you were worried and your parents had been out, so this was the best thing to do; and despite it being your first time going to the vet on your own, you couldn’t bear to watch Mona-chan suffer in pain. </p><p>It was also the first time you’d met Akaashi Keiji. </p><p>It had been a rather strange year in Fukurodani, and you could barely tell time move with how fast-paced everything on this side of Tokyo was. You were told High School was an entirely different experience from Middle School, but no one had asked you to prepare yourself for the pace. In your first year, you’d missed Kuroo and Futaba entirely—which left you an aching mess, letting people avoid you because you were stuck up on something from the past. This had always been a problem, you’d realized. You were someone who’d always have one leg stuck in the past, which made moving on incredibly difficult. Moving from Miyagi, you missed Tooru with your entire life until Futaba and Kuroo made it easier for you to enjoy the rest of your life there. </p><p>Now, moving on from your Middle School to Fukurodani left you a bereft mess, and you were just considered far too emotional than you actually were. You missed your friends, that was certain, but you also missed the company. You’d occasionally meet Kuroo on weekends, where he’d let you know that your Yaku was now a classmate, which confused you and bewildered you at the same time, and made you slightly regret the decision you’d made to go to Fukurodani instead. </p><p>    “Don’t they have a volleyball team? A rather good one too,” Kuroo said, “Why don’t you join their team as a manager or something?”</p><p>Perhaps, that was the idea that kept you going. Your first year in Fukurodani was plain, and despite being interested in joining the volleyball club, your inherent shyness prevented you from handing in the interest form—therefore, closing registrations before you could even make a move. Kuroo laughed at your indecision but understood that it was primarily because you were feeling lonely that you couldn’t make a move. </p><p>    “How’s Yaku-kun doing in the team?” You remembered having a crush on him almost a whole year ago, and what you wouldn’t give to go back to Middle school. </p><p>    “He’s a pain,” Kuroo groaned, “We’re so different! It’s pissing off.” </p><p>You giggled, “That’s actually cute!”</p><p>    “Sure,” Tetsuroo groaned, “You’d say that.”</p><p>    “And Kenma-kun?”</p><p>    “Graduating next year. He’s not a traitor like you, he’s joining Nekoma.”</p><p>You rolled your eyes. This was your first year of High School, entirely; you spent lazy weekends meeting either Kuroo or Futaba, and you focused on studies when you could, and were part of the sad ‘going-home’ club, which made Fukurodani seem entirely and mortifyingly ordinary. </p><p>When the summer vacations began, the strangest sense of returning to the time when you were graduating Middle School returned; Futaba and Kuroo had their own groups now; one was busy with school work elsewhere, and the other was busy with a powerhouse volleyball team in the other, and you were bored. A part of you felt as if you were split into two halves, while one half begged and cribbed over the fact that time was unforgivingly fast, and the other half just didn’t care. You found yourself becoming closer and closer to Mona-chan, your aging Shiba Inu was considerably nicer to you. However, one Sunday afternoon, when your parents were out, you noticed Mona-chan vomiting her food, whimpering in pain at something she’d perhaps eaten a day before. Your first instinct was to call your father, but you knew what he’d tell you even before you made the call. Instead, you quickly decided to call a cab and take Mona-chan there, and that was what brought you to the crowded veterinary hospital that day.</p><p>You spotted Akaashi there, knowing instantly that your eyes found him attractive, but you cursed at yourself for even thinking of such a thing when your dog was in trouble. You sat on a row of chairs, one of which was connected to the black-haired individual, and you felt Mona-chan plop painfully at your feet, causing you to rub her head in worry. </p><p>    “It’ll be okay, sweetie,” You whispered, pursing your lips, “You’ll be okay, my girl.”</p><p>You leaned back against the chair and wondered if it was entirely incompetent of you to have come alone, now knowing full well that you had to get up and speak to the registration desk to pin your name and your dog’s name in one of the forms. You’d have to get up, which meant Mona-chan had to get up, and the thought had you groaning into your palm, pressed to your face. </p><p>    “I can hold her,” A voice spoke, causing you to turn and meet sharp blue eyes, “While you go fill the form. I can hold her if you’d like.”</p><p>    “You’d do that? I mean, you—“ It was then you noticed that he’d been holding a pigeon in his hand, with a wounded wing. “—Is that your…?”</p><p>   “Oh, he…” He looked at the bird in his hands and then back at you, “…he was injured outside my window. I didn’t think it’d be this crowded here. I could have helped him myself, but I…”</p><p>    “No, that’s really sweet,” You shook your head, “Um, can you please hold her for just two minutes? I’ll be right back.”</p><p>He smiled at you and you felt your stomach flip. You couldn’t deny it now, even if Mona-chan was sick, that this boy was incredibly attractive. He wasn’t cute, in a boy sense, and that was perhaps what made it all the worse in your head. You nodded at him before handing him the leash, which he took without hesitation, and rushed to the desk to grab a form. You quickly filled out the details before hearing another voice call out to you.</p><p>    “(l/n)-chan?” </p><p>You looked up and spotted the familiar vet waving at you. You sighed in relief before giving him an awkward smile, pointing to Mona-chan waiting at the side.</p><p>    “You should have just walked in,” He whispered before rushing to your dog, “She’s an aged pup, we could have taken her in right away. What seems to be the problem?”</p><p>The black-haired boy moved a bit before handing the leash back to you. You smiled at him before turning to the vet again, pursing your lips.</p><p>    “I think she ate something, I don’t know… And uh, could you have someone take a look at this pigeon?”</p><p>The vet shot the boy a look before smiling, “Sure. Just bring him in with Mona-chan.”</p><p>The boy smiled at you before standing up. He was definitely taller than you, and suddenly, you realized that he was perhaps an athlete with the way his body was shaped. You bent down to Mona-chan a second later, before rubbing her face, whispering sweet words that would help her up, and you walked over to the examination room. The boy followed you, holding the pigeon in his hand.</p><p>    “Thanks for this,” He said, “I didn’t know you knew the vet here.”</p><p>    “Yeah,” You chuckled, “We always brought Mona-chan here.”</p><p>    “I see.”</p><p>Once inside, a nurse walked in to take the pigeon away. The boy nodded at you before following her, and you turned to the vet with worry.</p><p>    “Is she okay, sensei?”</p><p>The vet took a second before turning to you, “She’s fine, but… (l/n)-chan, she is 14 years old.”</p><p>Your heart dropped at the sudden assertion. You stared at the vet with wide eyes, wondering if what he was saying could even apply. You turned to Mona-chan who was on the examination table, before feeling your eyes well with tears.</p><p>    “Y-You’re saying she…”</p><p>    “It’s never easy, (l/n)-chan. But, you need to embrace the possibility. Bring in your parents too one day, it’s good you came here right away, but… I’m truly very sorry, (l/n)-chan.”</p><p>You nodded, feeling your lip wobble. Tears now leaked out of your eyes, your hands shaking as you watched Mona-chan stare right back at you. You wouldn’t lie, you knew. You knew she was 14-years old, you knew and had given it thought a while ago, but you could never prepare yourself for it. You turned back to the vet before bowing once and asking him the charge for the consolation. </p><p>    “Just go get the medicine, don’t worry about it, okay?”</p><p>You walked out with Mona-chan, after she was given a shot for the pain, and noticed that she could walk easier now. She wasn’t as active as she used to be, but it had been a few years since you’d noticed how she’d gradually become lazier. Now, you understood that it wasn’t laziness at all that had turned her this way. You noticed the black-haired boy standing outside, the pigeon nestled in his hands. He turned to you with a smile, which only died the second he spotted the sullen look in your eye.</p><p>    “Is Mona-chan okay?”</p><p>You weren’t ready for someone asking you this question. All of a sudden, you pressed your hand to your mouth and let out a sob that you had been holding in for too long, causing the black-haired boy to rush to you, but stood in front of you awkwardly. The more you cried, the more awkward he became, but knew something devastating must have happened.</p><p>    “T-They said she… They said she’s old and I… I always knew… I always knew she…”</p><p>His eyes widened and it didn’t take him too much time to understand what was going on. His eyes softened at your form, and somehow, the awkwardness died down—his hands patted your head and you took that as an opening to place your head on his shoulder. You didn’t feel him tense up just a bit but he placed his free hand on your head, patting you till you calmed down.</p><p>    “I’m truly sorry you had to hear that.” He said, earnestly.</p><p>You blinked a couple of times after what felt like a few more seconds and gasped before pulling away. Your face was burning at the realization that you’d practically hugged a boy you didn’t even know. </p><p>    “I-I’m so sorry!”</p><p>In your 16-years of life, you had never been this embarrassed. The boy rubbed his neck before offering you one of his sweet smiles, before noticing the redness dusted on his cheek as well. </p><p>    “I should get back and tell my parents what happened.” You said, trying to ease away the awkwardness. </p><p>He nodded before looking at the pigeon in his hands. <br/> <br/>    “I-I should get him back to his nest.” </p><p>You two stood there for a moment longer before realizing that neither one of you had given the other your name. You looked up to find that his eyes were just as wide, and perhaps he had understood that you’d forgotten something as well.</p><p>    “My name is Akaashi/(l/n)!” You’d said in unison.</p><p>You let out a nervous chuckle before feeling your face warm up. Akaashi smiled before doing all he could to avoid your gaze, before clearing his throat and letting out a cough.</p><p>    “(l/n)-san,” He addressed, “It’s nice to meet you.”</p><p>    “The pleasure’s all mine, Akaashi-san.” You said, biting your lip. </p><p>You swore that when he smiled at you just then, he took a part of your heart with him as he walked away. What a strange place to meet someone like him, you thought; Akaashi was not just attractive, but he was kind and well-behaved, the strangest boy you had ever met. You wondered which high school he went to, but a part of you was certain you’d never see him again. <em>I can’t believe I put my head on his shoulder</em>, you shut your eyes in utter embarrassment before guiding Mona-chan home. </p><p>A week after school reopened, you noticed that you were put in a class with most of the second-year Volleyball players. You noticed the grey-haired hyperactive outside hitter and turned to your designated spot that was right next to him. You let out a sigh before approaching your desk, sitting down before feeling eyes pinned on you. You turned to gold eyes boring into your skull before feeling your stomach drop.</p><p>    “Is… Is something wrong?”</p><p>    “I’ve never seen you around?” He sounded genuinely surprised, which made you scoff.</p><p>    “Yeah, I’m not as popular as you are, Bokuto-san.”</p><p>    “Hey, hey, hey,” He urged, narrowing his eyes, clearly displeased with your choice of words, “I’m not all that popular either!”</p><p>    “You definitely are if I know you.” You fought back, noticing how his eyes twinkled.</p><p>He must like being complimented, you thought, fighting a chuckle.</p><p>    “How do you know me then?”</p><p>You were a tad bit annoyed at his need to fish for more compliments, but the genuineness in his voice made you think it was also a bit sweet. </p><p>    “Outside hitter, volleyball club, soon-to-be ace of the team—“</p><p>    “Whoa!” Bokuto exclaimed, “You know my position!?”</p><p>    “Y-Yeah, I mean—“</p><p>    “Maybe Bokuto-san and (l/n)-san can take their discussion outside the class once the class is over.” The sudden voice of your teacher made you chuckle and Bokuto grew instantly quiet.</p><p>It was a second later that he passed you a note saying ‘How do you know my position?’ to which you replied, ‘I like volleyball and I’ve seen you play’ and this perhaps enthralled a captain a bit more than you realized it would. Maybe, he was shocked that there was someone he didn’t even know who knew so much about the sport he loved; maybe, he was just curious that the person he was supposed to sit next to for the year was interested in his favorite sport. Whatever it was, you were sure that it was volleyball that pulled Bokuto to ask you the very next question.</p><p>    “You should come watch practice! I’ll introduce you to the team!”</p><p>You laughed before scratching the side of your cheek, “A-Actually,” You wondered if it was the right thing to tell him, “I wanted to apply to be a manager… But, I don’t know… I flaked out in the last minute last year and just… gave up I think?”</p><p>    “Nonsense! You seem like someone who knows more about the game than most people I know! Come and take a look at least!”</p><p>It wasn’t even a question with Bokuto Koutaro. Some part of him reminded you of Tooru’s enthusiasm, but suddenly, you realized that bringing Tooru into your mind suddenly felt a bit alien. It had been five years since you’d last seen him or heard from him, and that took a number on your mind. Maybe, Tooru was a different person now. Maybe, high school Tooru was a studious, meek, and shy individual? Or maybe he was something that exceeded your expectations and with his fancy hair, he might even be a model. You wondered if Tooru still played volleyball but a moment later you slapped yourself for such a thought. If there was one thing you were still sure of, you were sure that Tooru was still a volleyball player. That kind of passion wasn’t something that would fade away. As a matter of fact, it was his passion that bore into you, after all.</p><p>That evening, you walked to the gym with Bokuto and a few others, and you froze on the spot when you noticed a familiar dark-haired individual standing inside, wearing the familiar Fukurodani colors. You almost gasped at the familiarity and how big of a coincidence this was, but you weren’t the only one who noticed you were staring.</p><p>    “Oya? You have a thing for athletes or something?” Bokuto teased, standing beside you.</p><p>    “Bokuto-san!” Your face flushed, “I was just—“</p><p>The commotion alerted Akaashi, who turned to spot you and the second-year beside you. His eyes widened momentarily before he bowed in recognition. Walking over to you both, he blinked at Bokuto who grinned cheekily.</p><p>    “I’ve always wanted to do this.”</p><p>    “Do what, Bokuto-san?” </p><p>    “You two know each other?” He ignored Akaashi, who merely let out a sigh. </p><p>You nodded before adding, “He helped me out at the vet a few weeks ago. I didn’t know you went to Fukurodani too!”</p><p>    “I’m a first-year,” Akaashi said, “I didn’t know you were a senpai.”</p><p>You blushed before shaking your head, bringing your hands forward, “N-No, Akaashi-san, please… don’t call me—“</p><p>    “The vet?”</p><p>    “Bokuto-san, practice is about to start.”</p><p>Bokuto turned to you before shooting you a grin, “I’ll speak to the head coach and add you in as a manager, how about that?” </p><p>    “Bokuto-san, you—“</p><p>    “You want to be a manager?” Akaashi asked, and you felt your stomach flip at the sound of his voice directed at you.</p><p>    “A-Actually—“</p><p>    “(l/n)-chan!” Suzumeda Kaori, another one of your classmates, said, “I didn’t even see you there! Is Bokuto-san giving you a tough time?”</p><p>    “She wants to be a manager.” Bokuto-san added, grinning.</p><p><em>Is this team really this chaotic at all times?</em> You thought, feeling your heart drop at the understanding of how differently the team worked overall. In a strange way, it was endearing. You noticed Kaori call in Shirofuku Yukie, another manager, before pointing to you.</p><p>    “We’ve got ourselves another manager!”</p><p>    “Yes! Finally I don’t have to do the notes on my own.” Yukie sighed.</p><p>    “I’ve never been a manager before—“</p><p>Yukie threw her hands around your shoulders before guiding you to the bleachers, your face was red with the weird welcome. Even as practice began, you were assumed to have been working here even in your first year, which wasn’t even true, and you were tasked with making a note of what player used what move while playing as which position. Half the time, your eyes struggled to keep in line with how quickly everyone moved, but there was something else you noticed that caused your heart to quicken its pace.</p><p>Akaashi was also a setter.</p><p>You noticed how he played, and how well his moves complimented Bokuto’s. Half of your mind was moved with how easy their entire play looked, but it wasn’t just ease; you were aware that their movements involved trust, and with coordination like that to build up in just a week, you were enthralled. </p><p>    “You see it too, huh?” Kaori said, grinning widely.</p><p>    “Y-Yeah,” You were awed, “They’re really good!”</p><p>    “Yep! Bokuto and Akaashi sure are something else,” Yukie said, tilting her head. “I’m surprised you noticed that they’re good.”</p><p>You narrowed your eyes, “Hey, I love the sport.”</p><p>    “Kidding, kidding! You know you have to stay back on Saturdays too, right?”</p><p>    “Let’s include her in the group on WhatsApp!”</p><p>You chuckled. Suddenly, being included in something after spending an entire year on your own made you feel welcome. It wasn’t as if Yukie and Kaori weren’t nice people, it was that they were nice that you felt so unabashedly happy. You spotted Akaashi looking at you during a short break before shooting him a wave, which he returned with a smile. <em>I shouldn’t have flaked out</em>, you thought, rubbing the back of your neck. <em>This is fun.</em></p><p>After practice was done, you bowed to everyone and thanked them for including you so easily, before being ambushed by Kaori and Yukie for being so formal. You looked at Bokuto who shot you a thumbs up, which you returned, and gathered your things to walk on home. Just as you stepped out of the gym, you felt a familiar presence behind you and looked to see Akaashi walking in your direction. </p><p>    “Akaashi-san!” You called out, suddenly feeling your stomach flip.</p><p>He looked at you before blinking and walking over to you, “Senpai.”</p><p>    “Y-Yeah,” You weren’t used to being called that at all, “Headed home?”</p><p><em>Obviously, he’s heading home</em>! You scolded yourself, “Yes. Do you walk in this direction too?”</p><p>You nodded but before you could say anything, “Oh, maybe we can walk together.”</p><p><em>Oh my god</em>, you thought, your cheeks warming at the sudden inclusivity. “You don’t mind?”</p><p>    “I walk in the same direction.”</p><p><em>Of course</em>, you thought. Suddenly, you felt the most embarrassed you’d ever felt; and it was something you don’t remember feeling before. Perhaps, there was something about Akaashi that made you feel all giddy inside, made you forget sense from logic, and left you a bumbling mess of words and disastrous attempts to not be awkward. It wasn’t as if you hadn’t seen handsome boys before, but Akaashi carried with him a charm unlike any other, and it was the ease with which he walked around with said charm that made you an utter fool.</p><p>    “How’s Mona-chan doing?”</p><p>You jumped at the sudden question before turning to him and smiling, “She’s better! I-I mean… as better as she can be doing.”</p><p>    “I understand that the news was difficult to convey to your parents?” He looked at you from the side of his eye.</p><p>    “Yeah…” You remembered how the conversation went. Your father began to cry at the assertion and it was strangely warm instead of cold. “We’re embracing it for now.”</p><p>    “I’m truly sorry, senpai.”</p><p>    “J-Just call me (l/n)?” You urged. “Senpai makes me feel a bit…weird.”</p><p>    “I think I prefer calling you senpai, though,” Akaashi said, with a wide smile on his face, “It’s funny.”</p><p>You narrowed your eyes, “Funny how?”</p><p>He shrugged before looking at you, “It’s funny how we met without even knowing that.”</p><p>You were mesmerized by his eyes, bluer and heavier than the sea itself. They gazed at you, so dazzling, and for an instant, you couldn't even realize that you had stopped breathing. You were too overcome by the handsomeness of this black-haired boy. You looked away from him, your face burning a warm red now. Akaashi noticed you look away before wondering if he had said something, but the second your lips turned to a soft smile, he couldn’t help but return one secretly. It was those eyes as much as anything that had earned him his reputation as a boy to be reckoned with. When he stared at a person, clear and unwavering, boys grew uncomfortable. Girls positively shivered.</p><p>Despite the crazy coincidence that had brought you to Akaashi, no part of you felt confounded by the fact that he was now your junior in High School; ever since bumping into him at the vet, your life had practically changed insurmountably, now part of the volleyball club, you were forced to eat lunch with Bokuto and the others almost every afternoon because he sat next to you, and you’d walk home with Akaashi once practice ended. </p><p>However, you did notice something odd; Akaashi barely spoke to you during practice, even though the others managed to throw in a word or two in edgewise. Bokuto spoke to you the most, officially adopting you as the extroverted parent that he was to your introverted self. Bokuto’s presence was a blanket of comfort for you since he was the reason you were here. But, as time passed, you wanted to speak to Akaashi more, you wanted him to throw in words whenever he could, and seeing that he’d rather ask Kaori or Yukie for water and towels made you feel disappointed on the inside. </p><p>    “Oi, (l/n)!” Bokuto screamed at you, causing you to jump on spot, “Towel, please!” </p><p>You giggled before giving him the third towel that evening. He seemed to always misplace them for some reason, not that you minded, you were starting to understand his patterns so well that you knew where he’d misplace them even if he didn’t remember it himself. You felt eyes on you, but you brushed that off before noticing Bokuto give you an odd look.</p><p>    “You look like your cat walked away from you.”</p><p>You giggled, “What?”</p><p>He shrugged, “You look unhappy.”</p><p>Your heart flipped at his concern, “Well,” You knew why you were unhappy, but there was no way you were going to explain it to him, “It’s nothing.”</p><p>    “Come on!” </p><p>    “I said it’s nothing!” </p><p>    “You’re obviously lying!”</p><p>`    “Bokuto, cut it out!”</p><p>It had been close to two months since you joined the volleyball team, and in those two months, everyone had gotten accustomed to how Bokuto asked everyone for favors and compliments, and no one seemed to mind because Bokuto was in every way lovable. The rest of the team looked at you two before letting out a laugh. Kaori folded her hands before walking over to Bokuto, throwing at him another towel that he had taken from her earlier. </p><p>    “You can’t keep bothering (l/n) with your towel requests if you’re just going to keep losing them, Bocchan.”</p><p>    “Yeah, she’s got to keep notes,” Yukie said, and then raised an eyebrow, “She’s in charge of keeping the notes on setters if you catch my drift—“</p><p>    “Anyway! I will be going now.” You snapped before turning around and walking away.</p><p>Your heart was pummelling in your chest, and you could practically feel it beating in your ear. It felt as if your ear exuded hot smoke right then, and you wondered if you were being obvious.<em> If Yukie said that then… </em>Your stomach flipped at the thought of your crush being evident, but Akaashi seemed a bit dense when it came to such things and you hoped to hell and back that he hadn’t figured it out. You turned to spot Akaashi looking at you before your eyes widened a bit. </p><p>    “Do you want a towel, Akaashi-kun?”</p><p>He looked startled to be caught looking at you before he shook his head and turned away. You felt your heart drop at how flustered he looked, almost ashamed that he was looking at you at all. You bit your lower lip before wondering if he’d be into older women, not that you were way older at all. <em>It’s just a year</em>, you told yourself, a pout now settling on your face. A hand wrapped around your shoulder and you spotted Yukie grinning at you.</p><p>    “Did I say something I shouldn’t have?”</p><p>    “How… How did you know?” </p><p>Yukie closed her eyes and sighed dramatically, “My eyes catch the whiffs of love before Juliet herself can find out!”</p><p>    “Yukie, that’s so weird.” You said, giggling.</p><p>    “But seriously,” Yukie muttered, “What good eyes you have. Literally, every girl is fawning over gentleman Akaashi, and seems like he has eyes only for you.”</p><p>You rolled your eyes, “Yukie, he’s definitely not interested in me like that. He barely even looks at me.”</p><p>    “Barely looks at you when you’re aware of him looking at you,” Yukie giggled, “You should see him otherwise.”</p><p>Your heart jumped at her words of hope. You turned to spot Akaashi playing in the team and you let out a shaky sigh. You recalled your first meeting with him and how you’d uncharacteristically made a fool of yourself by crying ugly tears in front of him and placing your head on his shoulder as if you’d always known him, you suddenly remembered that Akaashi had patted your head multiple times till you calmed down. Every interaction you’ve had with him after that made you believe firmly in the positive goodness that oozed out of his skin, how gentle and caring his eyes were, how mysterious yet warm his smile was, and how Akaashi didn’t just try hard but managed to inspire, contract your heart and have you fall in love before you even knew it. Perhaps, you were just a dreamy 16-year old who didn’t know love from infatuation, but whatever it was that Akaashi was making you feel, it was strong, and it seemed to be stronger than anything you’d ever felt.</p><p>Stronger than, and you couldn’t believe you were finally coming here after years, what you felt for Oikawa himself.</p><p>That evening, you noticed that Akaashi hadn’t waited for you, unlike the other times. Your eyes widened at the disappointment that now surged through your skin, before feeling your phone buzz. You noticed right away that it was your mother who was calling, and biting down the sorrow Akaashi had given you, you picked up anyway.</p><p>    “It’s Mona-chan!” Your mother exclaimed and you almost dropped your phone.</p><p>What you didn’t know that day was Akaashi had gone to the locker rooms for just a minute longer and had missed you by just a few seconds. He wanted to call out to you, but he noticed your shocked expression, the way your eyes widened as if something horrific had happened, and instantly, he knew he needed to leave you to your thoughts. He held himself back before watching you run off, knowing full well that something had happened.</p><p>That evening, Mona-chan had another attack. She was whimpering and moaning in pain, and it was your father who had figured out that a part of her stomach seemed to be hurting. He immediately drove her to the vet, and your mother and you tagged along, but your heart was in pieces at the way she was holding your dog. On reaching the hospital, you felt your phone buzz. Despite being in the WhatsApp group of your volleyball club, you hadn’t once texted Akaashi, yet, you’d gone ahead and saved his contact regardless. But, to see a text from him right then pulled your mind back to the same person you were when you had laid your head on his shoulder.</p><p>Strangely, you needed him to calm you down again. Akaashi’s entire being was comforting, and now, despite him not being there, it was as if he was extending a hand virtually, and you were all the more willing to take it. ‘Is Mona-chan okay?’ Your lip wobbled with how he knew, and your shaking fingers replied, ‘She’s not doing so good, Akaashi-kun…’ </p><p><em>I want to see him</em>, you thought, and let a few tears fall. Suddenly, you noticed that you were receiving a call, and your heart jumped at the name that popped up on the phone screen. Without wasting another second, you picked right away before hearing him say ‘Senpai’ on the other end. You didn’t know why but the second you heard his voice, you cried. It was as if you had been holding it in for far too long and you just couldn’t anymore; Akaashi was quiet on the other end, and you were certain that he might even regret calling you, only to hear you cry. However, no part of him made you feel conscious. It was as if he was listening to you. </p><p>    “I’m so scared,” You said, voice breaking in the end, “I… I don’t know what to do.”</p><p>    “I’m with you,” He seemed to whisper, “I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.”</p><p>I’m with you, he had said and you felt yourself melting despite where you stood. Your dog was undergoing surgery inside and all you could think about was how smooth Akaashi’s voice was over the phone. </p><p>    “Akaashi-kun…” You said, “D-Do you hate me?”</p><p>    “What?”</p><p>    “You…” You didn’t know why you were asking him this. “You don’t really like me that much do you?”</p><p>    “What made you think that way, senpai?”</p><p>If you had been thinking rationally, you’d have caught the way his voice shivered with that question he asked you. If only you knew what you were making him think, and how he felt as if he was encroaching every time you were speaking to Bokuto or Yukie or even Kaori, if only you knew that by calling you ‘senpai’, Akaashi felt more and more distant from you, you’d have understood that what you had asked him just then practically shattered his bones.</p><p>    “I don’t want you to hate me, Akaashi-kun,” You said, tears streaming down your eyes, “I’m scared you’ll hate me—“</p><p>    “I don’t hate you,” He said, adamantly, “Not one bit.”</p><p>If only either of you could hear each other’s heartbeats right then, you’d have gone bonkers with the realization that your feelings were reciprocated. </p><p>Mona-chan had to stay at the hospital for a few more days. Luckily, she was feeling a lot better but now she was put on a diet, which you had to maintain strictly. The vet once again spoke to you about Mona-chan’s condition, before letting it sink in. Going to school tomorrow with puffy eyes meant everyone would wonder what had happened, and for some reason, you wished you could make up a heartbreak to avoid telling them about your dog.</p><p>During class, Bokuto was the first to notice your eyes. He knew instantly that it was something to do with Mona-chan, your dog, because you’d mentioned it to them all on the group that she wasn’t doing so well. He rubbed your back before giving you space, something you loved about him, but honestly, what you needed wasn’t space at all. Kaori hugged you the second she saw you, and Yukie did the same. The rest of the team—Konoha, Komi, and the others—even told you that you could skip practice. But, you didn’t need that sort of change of pace yet. You spotted Akaashi who walked over to you and asked for a towel, making you giggle.</p><p>    “I’m sorry,” He said, eyes widening, “I thought… I thought I should just be—“</p><p>    “I don’t even know how you know me so well, Akaashi-kun.”</p><p>You didn’t notice how red his face became by you saying that. You handed him the towel before walking over to sit with Kaori. Akaashi felt Bokuto slap his back before pulling him in, knowing full well that another round of teasing was due.</p><p>    “You have to tell her!” Bokuto whispered, “You giving her the googly eyes is killing everyone on the team!”</p><p>    “Not now, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi narrowed his eyes, “She’s going through something.”</p><p>Days passed before exams were around the corner. Mona-chan was doing better now, but your father took her to the vet every fortnight, just to make sure. The three of you knew that the time was close and that the next time she would have an attack, then you’d have to make a decision. That evening, you stood near the entrance of the gym, before noticing everyone walk home. You were checking your phone, wondering why Kuroo had sent so many messages, before turning to spot Akaashi near you. You smiled at him, which beckoned him to you, and you decided to check Kuroo’s messages later.</p><p>    “How’s Mona-chan doing?”</p><p>You smiled before shaking your head, “The next time would be the last time…” </p><p>Akaashi looked at you with wide eyes and did something he swore he wasn’t entirely responsible for. It was as if his body moved before his mind could even comprehend. His left hand wrapped around your wrist before bringing you two to a halt; you turned to him, your stomach a trapeze artist, and gulped before spotting Akaashi’s intense stare bore into your form.</p><p>    “I… Will you call me?” </p><p>    “What?”</p><p>    “If something happens to her, give me a call. I want to be there.”</p><p>You couldn’t believe what you were hearing. It was strange, Akaashi was there the first time it had happened, and now, he wanted to be there for the last. Your eyes filled with tears before nodding, and you could feel his fingers snake around your palm. Instantaneously, you held on to him with everything you had, and without even realizing it, you and Akaashi walked home with your hands linked with one another’s. </p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>It was in the middle of the night when you heard it the first time. Your eyes shot open and you instantly turned to your right, and there, Mona-chan, your sweet 14-year old Shiba Inu, whimpered continuously as if she were in pain. You gasped before rushing to her, hands reaching out and she moaned at the slightest touch. You ran over to your parents' room, not bothered about the time, and banged on their door, screaming for help. Your mum and dad both rushed out, and you gave them a look with your eyes filled with worry.</p><p>    “It’s… It’s happening again.”</p><p>You breathed before seeing your father carry Mona-chan into the car, and you were already crying before you even got on. A moment later, you remembered something that perhaps, utterly shattered your soul.</p><p>
  <em>Will you call me?</em>
</p><p>Before you could even think, you called him. The time was close to 11:45 p.m., and you knew he had every reason to decline, and despite knowing every one of those things, your fingers moved before your mind could stop you and you called, hoping to hear his voice. You wondered if you’d wake a sleeping Akaashi up, but all of that currently, didn’t matter if you could hear him.</p><p>    “Senpai?”</p><p>    “Akaashi-kun… It’s…” You breathed, tears streaming down your face.</p><p>    “I’m on my way.”</p><p>Nothing is more curious and awkward than the relationship of two people who only know each other with their eyes—who meet and observe each other daily, even hourly, and who keep up the impression of disinterest either because of morals or because of awkwardness. Between them, there is listlessness and pent-up curiosity, the hysteria of an unsatisfied, unnaturally suppressed need for communion, and also a kind of tense respect. But, right then, no such barrier existed; Akaashi would come to you because you needed him to, and that was that.</p><p>When you reached the vet, he was already there. You watched as your father took Mona-chan inside, and your mother nodded at Akaashi, who bowed back, before walking alongside you to the examination room. You didn’t waste time before grasping his hand, with him linking his fingers into yours thoughtlessly. You turned to look at him and he was already looking at you, and your eyes filled with tears at the comfort he seemed to provide by saying absolutely nothing. </p><p>    “You can say your goodbyes.” The vet whispered, rubbing your shoulder and you felt like you could vomit your guts out at the way Mona-chan was looking at you.</p><p>Akaashi waited outside, knowing full well that he had to give you and your family time. But, more than anything, he was glad to be there. He could hear the clock ticking and never had it sounded so fast in his life before, and yet, it was as if time had come to a halt. He remembered how your face had looked, and he remembered every detail etched on to it. He remembered what Bokuto-san had said, and wondered if he could ever tell you what he knew he needed to. Akaashi wasn’t someone who felt the need to throw his emotions on to another but seeing you so broken the way you were, he wondered if he could do anything at all to ease your pain.</p><p>When you walked out, he stood up instantly. You were considerably shorter than him, and you approached him at a snail’s pace. Wordlessly, he walked closer to you, feeling the strong urge to touch you, but not knowing how to. And as if you had sensed his hesitance, you threw your arms around his waist and hugged him; he tensed a bit before hugging you back instantly, resting his chin on your head. He felt you cry, and his eyes caught your parents who were simply trying not to cry themselves, and Akaashi felt his hug get a tad bit tighter. If he could hug the pain out of you, he’d gladly do so, but he knew that what you needed now was time. </p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>You took a few days off from school. It was understandable, considering all that had happened. The volleyball team kept themselves updated over what happened as well, which was lovely in its own way. They all gave you the space you needed and would understand if you didn’t want to talk to them for longer durations of time. Kuroo, Futaba, and Kenma showed up at your doorstep one evening and took you out for a walk—which was lovely, too. You took that time to tell them about Akaashi and spotted Kuroo’s face change.</p><p>    “What?” You asked, blinking up at him.</p><p>    “Remember I texted you a few weeks ago?”</p><p>    “Yeah, what about it? Sorry I didn’t text back—“</p><p>    “Don’t be an idiot and just tell her, dear Lord,” Futaba groaned, “He’s got a practice match against your school!”</p><p>Your eyes widened before a laugh exited your lips. Kuroo smiled awkwardly before letting out a laugh as well before the four of you walked into the park. The silence somehow seemed comforting, it was a strange feeling to have after you’d lost someone. </p><p>    “You know she’s in a better place now, yeah?”</p><p>You nodded because you knew. You knew she didn’t deserve to feel too much pain. You were glad that Mona-chan grew up with you, spent an entire lifetime with you, and had given you all the love she could possibly conjure. And oddly, Mona-chan’s passing was what drove you to a fair conclusion.</p><p>    “I’m in love with him, guys,” You let out, breaking out into a sob, “I love him.”</p><p>You texted Akaashi that night and felt the familiar butterflies that roamed all over your stomach. You didn’t know what bond you shared with him, you didn’t know if words could even describe what you were feeling, but you were glad. You thought of the last time you felt so overwhelmed, and it was because you were leaving Miyagi, leaving Tooru, but here was this feeling again—the overwhelming desire to give your heart to someone, and this time, Akaashi had done it. He had done what no other boy till now could. He had beaten Tooru in your mind, and you were more than glad that it was him.</p><p>The next morning, you went to school and spotted Akaashi waiting at the shoe stands. You paused before tilting your head at him, and waving, before he smiled right back at you, melting your heart. You removed your outdoor shoes and put on your indoor ones, and felt Akaashi’s hand wrap around yours. Your heart burned, and you felt like you’d spit it right out, but for a moment, everything paused.</p><p>    “Exams are next week,” You said, “Do you need help from your senpai?” You teased.</p><p>He let out a chuckle, “I’m not sure. Why not?”</p><p>You didn’t know what this feeling was. You could feel his thumb dancing around your palm before he pulled you in front of him. You noticed he was sporting a warm smile, and you desperately wanted to return said warmth but weren’t sure since all of you were burning. </p><p>    “Akaashi—“</p><p>    “Keiji.”</p><p>You held your breath back before trying to gulp and failing miserably. He seemed to have noticed this before a calm smirk sat on his lips. </p><p>    “S-So then you can call me by my name too.”</p><p>He didn’t expect that. You noticed how his eyes widened at your sudden exclamation. It was your turn to tease. You leaned forward and smirked before narrowing your eyes. </p><p>    “Keiji-kun.” </p><p>Suddenly, his face burst into a bright red that made your stomach twist in unnatural ways. He used his free hand to cover his jaw, before turning to avoid your gaze. You paused for a second before looking down at your feet. <em>What am I doing? </em>You thought before biting your lip. What you didn’t realize was how accurately Akaashi had understood you.</p><p>    “Senpai,” You felt a tad bit disappointed that he didn’t use your name, “I want to tell you something, but I cannot do it here. Would you be willing to walk with me a bit today?” </p><p>    “Sure, uh… After practice?”</p><p>He smiled at the thoughtfulness before leaning forward and breathing on your forehead, “Yes.” You weren’t sure if he placed his lips there or if they merely ghosted over your hairline, but whatever it was, the movement was enough to have turned your insides to jelly. When he pulled back, you were more than glad that you were at a lone corner, but at the same time, you felt the strongest urge to hug him. However, to ensure that you wouldn’t fall flat to your feet, Akaashi Keiji, the sweetest boy in your life right then walked you till your class. </p><p>    “See you later?” </p><p>When you smiled up at him, tears almost filled your eyes. Akaashi’s blue eyes bore into yours with such adoration, you never realized you’d been missing this feeling until now.</p><p>    “Yeah, see you later.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. chapter - four (ii)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>'Cause you're amazing, just the way you are...</em>
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</blockquote><p> </p><p>•─────☾ ☽─────•</p><p> </p><p>Akaashi Keiji was a man of few words, not because he despised talking. He found that words often were useless when it concerned with emotion, and unlike what people would think of him, Akaashi was an emotional person. He never covered behind it, though; he was more of a silent observer, inching closer and closer to things that captivated him in ways only he would understand. Every morning, he’d be greeted by the pigeons that had laid a nest right outside his window, and it was one of those pigeons that had introduced him to you. </p><p>What a strange meeting that was, running into you the way he had. At first, when he saw you walk inside with your Shiba Inu, he noticed how worried you’d looked, your hair cascading down your shoulders, your face a tad bit sweaty, and your jeans stuck to your legs, in every sense, your disheveled appearance, your hyperactive yet worried eyes captivated him because they spoke a language of their own, a language Akaashi had noticed. He watched as you sat down at the same row he was sitting on, and he turned away at first because looking at you for too long was overwhelming his insides. He then turned to you again, before his heart whispered to him that it was perhaps alright to tell you he could hold on to the leash for you because he had understood the language of your body movements. </p><p>One thing led to another, and Akaashi froze when your head touched his shoulder. He tensed not because he hadn’t expected it, he tensed because he had and it had happened—what a strange feeling to have, he told himself, before catering to comfort you in the only way he knew. </p><p>Silence.</p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>    “See you later?” </p><p>If he knew how to sketch, he’d have tried to replicate the way your smile looked when directed at him. Akaashi knew he had fallen for you a long time ago, but it wasn’t that knowing that kept him on his feet. It was everything that came with the fact that you were the sole embodiment of everything he had wished for in a friend, companion, significant other. To be aware of the language of silence, to listen and imitate, and there you were, just perfectly going at it with your pace that left him strongly bewildered. He waited outside the gym that evening, his heart pounding in his chest in myriad ways, all which he understood because he had learned the rhythm of his heart rather well in 15-years. </p><p>You walked out, face flushed a tad bit before spotting Akaashi smile at you. You were the first girl Akaashi had ever come to love, a feeling that wouldn’t ever be forgotten for years to come. It wasn’t that he wished for a forever with you, it was simply that he could have come close.</p><p>    “Where are we going?” You asked, and he could feel his heart flip at the sound of your voice.</p><p>    “Follow me.”</p><p>If only you knew what your presence did to him. People applauded Akaashi as being someone who never lost his cool, who maintained his composure despite difficult situations, but around you, he felt the clumsiest he’d ever felt. He felt the urge to actually mumble out words without thinking, in hopes to see you smile or crinkle your eyes at him in the cute way that you do. He almost jumped when you touched his hand, and the shocked expression he gave you startled you, which made you pull away instantly. Without warning, he reached forward and held your hand, before turning away and biting his lip. That was close, he thought, before going back to being thoughtless.</p><p>    “Keiji-kun?”</p><p>He almost stumbled over his shadow. He’d almost forgotten he asked you to call him by his first name, and goodness, he wasn’t ready to hear you say it. Not that he minded it, he adored the way his name sounded off your tongue, but it left him a complete mess. He shut his eyes before realizing you’d called out to him and then turned to you and forgot to say he was listening. </p><p>    “Where are we going?” You asked, tilting your head a bit.</p><p>    “I…” What are words again? “I want to show you something.”</p><p>He took you to the three behind his house, by which his window was. Upon the tree sat three nests, all belonging to pigeons, and you stared at it in awe. </p><p>    “Are those nests?”</p><p>    “One of those nests belongs to the pigeon at my window,” He said, looking at the third nest on the tree, right on the topmost part of it, “The pigeon that brought me to the vet that day.”</p><p>Your eyes widened. You turned to notice he wasn’t looking at you, but a part of you told you that he was intentionally avoiding your gaze because if he looked at you, his heart would practically combust and he couldn’t have that. You found yourself smiling at him, squeezing his fingers a tad bit before inching closer to him, shoulders now touching his. You could feel him tense up, but you thought it was cute. You knew what was coming, but boy, were you overwhelmed already. </p><p>    “I’m glad you were there that day,” You said honestly, “I’m glad you were with me.”</p><p>He knew which day you were talking about. Wordlessly, he pulled you by your other hand and brought you closer, noticing the rising blush on your cheeks. <em>Choose carefully</em>, his mind told him, but then again, you weren’t obsessive over language like the world was. He knew just what to do. Leaning forward, Keiji pressed his lips to yours before gripping both your hands tighter, inching forward when he felt you coming closer, squeezing his hands in return. It was his first kiss, and he was nervous, scared out of his mind, but there you were, reciprocating, breathing into his nose, closing your eyes as he was, squeezing his hands. He might not have been your first kiss, but he most certainly was the first boy you liked kissing. You pulled away before noticing Akaashi lean forward and rub the edge of his nose to yours, before whispering something that gave another life to your heart. </p><p>    “I’m in love with you.” </p><p>So many thoughts ran through your head. Most of them contained the same, simply three words so often strung together that it was too much a classic cheese or cliche to say it, but they still had meaning, no matter how many times they had been repeated. You smiled with your eyes to Akaashi and repeated them, wanting nothing more than to hug the life out of him.</p><p>    “Keiji-kun, I love you too.”</p><p>And goodness, you had been waiting to say those words and mean them so badly. Ever since wondering if you could find someone like Oikawa made you feel, here he was, someone better in your eyes than anything you had ever experienced. It was blissful, and yet, bittersweet. Keiji’s hand caressed your cheek before smiling softly, a smile that you would never grow tired of seeing. </p><p>    “(y/n),” He breathed and you swore your heart broke just a little bit at how beautiful he sounded, “I love you.”</p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>    “Wait,” You were trying to understand, “You were <em>jealous</em> of Bokuto?”</p><p>Akaashi nodded before letting out a chuckle, “I realize that might have been foolish.”</p><p>    “Might have been? Keiji-kun, he’s practically like a brother to me! Oh my god,” You had now realized what those secret looks meant, every time you gave Bokuto an extra towel, every time you thought of why Akaashi wouldn’t talk to you inside the gym, all of those times were Akaashi being jealous of someone you didn’t even need to deem a threat. You gave Akaashi a look that screamed bewilderment, before shaking your head and feeling his hand squeeze yours. </p><p>    “I don’t know,” You mumbled, “But, I think among us, I’ll be the jealous one.”</p><p>He turned to look at you confusedly, “Why?”</p><p>    “Have you met you?”</p><p>He chuckled before shaking his head, “You don’t have to worry about anything. I’m not interested in others.” </p><p>    “That’s strangely reassuring coming from you. You’re like the dream boy of Fukurodani.”</p><p>    “(y/n)-san, I assure you, I am no dream boy.”</p><p>    “You cannot change my mind, Keiji-kun.”</p><p>He smiled a bit before turning away from you, “Well,” For the first time in days, he hadn’t the faintest idea of what to say, “I suppose we’ll learn the more time passes.”</p><p>The more time passed, and as people slowly grew to understand your and Akaashi’s relationship, you’d realized that he was a quiet person. Not just in generic terms, but Akaashi held himself in ways that left others wondering if he was happy at all. </p><p>Akaashi’s quietness didn’t come from emotion, it came from his being. In quietness, he’d let you know he loved you; a nudge when he passed by you in the hallway, filling your water bottle at practice knowing that you had a natural forgetfulness when it came to hydration, leaving exactly two toffees inside your bag every day after learning from a conversation with Yukie that you preferred toffee over chocolate. With Akaashi’s quietness, he’d managed to learn by heart the schedule of your sleep cycle, expecting you to go to sleep but not wanting to text before then, so a single text at 12:37 p.m. always came saying ‘goodnight’. Akaashi’s quietness allowed him to watch you when you were low, learning that on some days, you were a bit antsy than the rest, and he’d made a note of it quietly in his phone—and every time those days repeated every month, he’d quietly sit beside you as you munched on something unhealthy, and offer you a bottle of water and a listening ear. </p><p>Akaashi’s quietness was different from the silence that the world offered you in myriad ways. His quietness was similar to the wonderful silence just before the dawn. You’d often find him staring into space, thinking of something, lost deep in thought because literature did that to him on odd days when he had the time to read or write, and on those days, he was like the quiet and calm just as a storm ends. On days when Akaashi was troubled, when practice was hard, or exams drew near, when his anxiety was something his calm face couldn’t mask, at least to you, he resembled the silence when you haven't the answer to a question you've been asked, or the hush of a country road at night, or the expectant pause of a room full of people when someone is just about to speak. However, when he spotted you where he hadn’t expected to see you, or you spotted him and alerted his attention by waving or tugging his sleeve, Akaashi’s silence was the most beautiful; calling out to you in the form of the moment after the door closes and you're alone in the whole house. Each one is different, you knew this, and all very beautiful if you listened carefully.</p><p>With him, you did. You did listen carefully. </p><p>When your second-year ended, you had an entire holiday where you and Akaashi could explore more of your psyches. It thrilled you to no end, after having told Futaba and Kuroo that you were actually dating someone—Kuroo wasn’t too thrilled you were dating a rival from a rival school but blessed you nonetheless since it was practically impossible to hate Akaashi. Every time there was a practice match, and Kuroo spotted you and Akaashi so much as smiling at one another, your childhood friend made it all the more tempting to slap him across his face. </p><p>On the day you told Akaashi about Yaku, who’d secretly glanced at you and waved at you from the side, which you returned zealously, Akaashi showcased a weird way of indicating he was jealous. While walking you home, his kisses were a bit hungrier, his touches a bit longer, and his breaths a bit shorter—which made you pull apart and stare at him, and that only made him all the more conscious. Akaashi’s jealousy wasn’t turbulent, it was soft insecurity lodged in mild possessiveness and you practically <em>loved</em> it. </p><p>    “Keiji-kun?” You answered his call one Sunday morning, lazing around on the bed.</p><p>    “Are you awake?”</p><p>You blushed, “W-Well, it’s… 11 a.m., I should be—“</p><p>    “You slept at 3 a.m. last night.”</p><p>You groaned before rolling on the bed and replying, “What is it?” </p><p>You heard a chuckle on the other end and some shuffling, “Would you be willing to go out on a date with me today?”</p><p>Seriously? You shot up on the bed before feeling your heart pummel to the ground at how moronically perfect Akaashi was. It was inhuman, and maybe, your desire to find someone like him had always been fixed to just him. </p><p>    “Keiji-kun, you do realize that the answer to that question will always be a yes, right?”</p><p>    “Oh, good,” He said, “I’m right outside your house then.”</p><p>You wanted to scream. It was just two days before your third-year and his second, and it wasn’t as if you and Akaashi hadn’t hung out at all during the vacations. You had to go to school a lot because of practice, and that gave you a lot of time with him, but the dates were special. While you could count the number of dates you’d been with him, you didn’t complain because you were more than happy just being around him. On some lone corners in school, you and Akaashi kissed passionately, and the thrill of being caught kept you on your toes. The first time his hands trod a bit lower, you believed you were going to die on spot, but you trusted him with your life and he did nothing to make you uncomfortable. However, what you didn’t realize was how difficult it was for Akaashi to even look at you after having touched your chest once, even after you’d told him it was alright.</p><p>On dates, Akaashi would take you to Ueno Royal Museum, sometimes he’d take you to Inokashira Park, where you’d sit on the boat and talk about random nothings, sometimes about what he liked, what you liked, but never, not once, had you felt bored or wanted to go back. You’d learned to enjoy the silence with Akaashi, and it was a feeling you would take with you forever. </p><p>Once school started again, you missed the long talks you’d have with him on weekdays, which came down considerably to once a fortnight. It wasn’t that you didn’t understand, but the fact that you were in the third-year meant you had to work a bit harder for college; you were now having to think about what to do after school, what you wanted to study, where you wanted to go study it. You had a mild interest heading abroad, applying to a college in Europe, seeing places you had never seen before, but the thought of leaving scared you. You had left once and lost everything in Miyagi, and if you were to leave again…</p><p>You’d lose Akaashi. </p><p>Fukurodani was a powerhouse when it came to Volleyball; your team had entered the nationals last year, and you were more than glad to have been part of a team that came so close. This year, you wanted to help them win it, and you could see Bokuto giving his all. Being named Captain meant the world to him, and you were more than glad that he was given the opportunity to shine, despite knowing full-well that learning how he ticks were what mattered most. That was where Akaashi came in; Akaashi was the mother-hen of the entire team, and while he pampered you on the side, it was your turn to ensure he could pamper everyone else, and you loved every second of it. </p><p>That was until you were called into the staff room one evening. </p><p>    “(l/n)-san,” Your homeroom teacher said, “Your English grades are outstanding. We believe you can achieve a lot more by applying to a good college.”</p><p>    “Sensei, that’s… Thank you so much!” You were practically flying, “I… I know this is silly, but I haven’t thought of any colleges right away—“</p><p>    “We think you can apply to a few in the UK, and—“</p><p>    “UK?”</p><p>The teacher could sense from your tone that it was a surprising thing to hear. She smiled at you before nodding once and wondering if you were just scared or shocked by hearing the news. However, there was something else that was binding you here. </p><p>    “I… I don’t want to leave Tokyo, sensei. Isn’t there a good English department at the University of Tokyo?”</p><p>Your teacher sighed, “I don’t want to be the one saying this, but it definitely isn’t the best out there. I think you can get into the best one, (l/n)-san. You have the potential—“</p><p>    “I just don’t want to leave home, sensei.”</p><p><em>I don’t want to leave Keiji-kun</em>, you thought, filling your heart with hope. That was what you were going to do. You were going to apply to Tokyo University and study here. That way, you would be closer to Keiji, and being closer to him meant being happy. It was just as simple as that. You weren’t generally a stubborn person, but there was nothing out there that could change your mind, and it was something your teacher sensed right then as well. Walking out of the staff room, you entered the class with a sullen expression, one which Yukie, your new classmate, caught right away.</p><p>    “What’s with the glum face?”</p><p>    “It’s nothing.” You lied, before putting on a face again.</p><p>    “You know during summer vacations we’re going to have a training camp. Nekoma’s a part of it, too.”</p><p>    “Yeah, Tetsu told me about it. Can we go too?”</p><p>Yukie grinned, “We’re definitely going. Also, your boyfriend is vice-captain, did he tell you?”</p><p>Your eyes widened, “He is!?” </p><p>    “Is there something the matter, (l/n)-san?” The teacher’s voice called out and you shook your head before turning to your desk. </p><p>After class, you rushed toward 2-C before noticing Akaashi inside. You shot him a thumbs up with both your hands before earning a confused expression from his end. You knew he was going to call you out for something dumb like this, but you didn’t mind. You’d take his scolding any day if you got to let him know you were proud of him. Instead of shaking his head at you, he smiled before turning away, and you went back to class after that. </p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>Summer vacation came far too quickly. However, for you, it was a desire, an overwhelming need to get out of your house. Apparently, your teacher had been kind enough to inform your parents about you declining to go to college abroad, despite your grades being good. You couldn’t explain to them about the reason being Akaashi, and while you knew your reason wasn’t good enough for your parents, you wanted this decision to be yours. Your father was adamant about you choosing a better future for yourself, and asked you to name a reason why you were so hellbent on staying back.</p><p>A part of you wondered if Akaashi was truly worth staying back for. </p><p>He proved to you that he was each time you met him, though. With the silent ways he loved, the silent looks he’d give you, the smiles that haunted you even as you slept—you wouldn’t survive if you left him, and now that you had a choice, you were not going to.</p><p>During the camp, you first met Kenma and Kuroo before heading inside the gyms. You noticed Yukie and Kaori inside, who had already finished packing and joined them before meeting up with the others. </p><p>    “Is Akaashi here?” Kaori asked, and you shook your head.</p><p>    “He’s coming in with Bocchan.” </p><p>    “Wow, look at you,” Yukie teased, “An independent couple.”</p><p>You rolled your eyes before walking out and found that your school’s team was finally there. You waved at Bokuto and Akaashi, before giggling at Bokuto’s antics. You spotted Kuroo wrap his hand around Bokuto, and your heart moved at how close they were. Akaashi walked over to you before brushing your hand once, asking if you ate and you chuckled, cocking one eyebrow at him.</p><p>    “Of course, I did, <em>Vice-Captain</em>.”</p><p>    “You don’t have to keep calling me that, (y/n)-san.”</p><p>    “But, it’s so…” You wanted to say hot, but with the way your face flushed, Akaashi could guess.</p><p>    “Sometimes, you surprises me with how you think,” He said, giving you a cold look and a warm smirk, “It’s ho—"</p><p>    “Please don’t say it!”</p><p>Akaashi cocked an eyebrow, “Oh? And you can?”</p><p>    “Never pegged you for a flirt. You’re hanging out with Tetsu too much.”</p><p>    “Oh, wait,” Kuroo said, joining in, “There’s something you should know. There’s this school, Karasuno. They’re kinda good, actually.”</p><p>    “Didn’t you guys win against them?” You vaguely remembered Kuroo telling you this before summer vacation started.</p><p>    “Not the point,” Tetsu scoffed, “They’re good. They’ve got this kid, first-year, jumps like a monkey, I swear! Kenma’s taking a liking to him.”</p><p>    “Will we be playing against them?” Akaashi asked.</p><p>Kuroo nodded, “Most probably. They’ve got one hell of a setter. Apparently, he’s as good as one of Miyagi’s best setters.”</p><p>    “M-Miyagi?” Your eyes widened.</p><p>Kuroo looked at you before smirking, “Yep. Karasuno’s from Miyagi.”</p><p>You suddenly thought of Oikawa’s addictive smile before trying to picture a teen face for the boy you once knew. However, Akaashi linked his fingers in yours before giving you a questioning look, as if to ask if you were okay. You smiled right back before hearing Kuroo scoff.</p><p>    “Get a room.”</p><p>    “Pain-in-the-ass Kuroo-san can’t handle hand-holding? I’d have thought otherwise.” Akaashi said, before turning away.</p><p>    “Your boyfriend is—“</p><p>    “Right, right.”</p><p>When Karasuno actually walked in, you didn’t really expect too much. Kuroo texted you right away that the setter and the tiny jumper boy he had spoken of weren’t there, and you wondered if they were even on the main team. However, after their grand entrance, you were more than impressed. You could tell from the way Bokuto and Akaashi played that they were entranced as well, even if Karasuno lost more matches than the other teams there.</p><p>You noticed that the tallest player, a Middle Blocker like Kuroo, seemed far more talented than he gave himself credit for. However, his apparent disinterest was what caught you off guard. It was as if he didn’t even want to be playing, but his body language told otherwise. Before you could even wonder what his problem was, Akaashi sat beside you while taking a break and caught you looking at the tall blond.</p><p>    “What’s his problem? He’s good, but he’s so… gloomy.”</p><p>    “Bokuto-san wants to play with him tonight,” Akaashi sighed, “I’ll have to be there to keep him in line. That kid’s a first-year, I don’t want Bokuto-san intimidating him.”</p><p>    “Bocchan is the least intimidating, Keiji-kun. If anything, that tall giraffe looks intimidating to me.”</p><p>    “That’s rude, (y/n)-san.”</p><p>You scoffed, “What are you going to do, <em>punish</em> me?”</p><p>    “Might have to.” He whispered before walking away, leaving you a blushing mess.</p><p>    “Not cool, Keiji-kun!” You called out, narrowing your eyes at your boyfriend.</p><p>You could suddenly feel eyes on you, and you turned to spot the tall blond blink at you. You felt a bit bad for calling him a giraffe behind his back, but you offered a smile before turning away, somewhat shy with his staring. That night, you noticed that Bokuto-san’s plan had worked in recruiting the blond into a short practice after hours. Kuroo, Bokuto, and Akaashi were there, and you sat to watch, offering them water bottles here and there. You noticed the boy, Tsukishima, walk over to the bench where you sat for a bottle of water, which you handed to him. He gave you a funny look before sipping some water, sitting on the edge of the same bench you were sitting on.</p><p>    “Did Bokuto blackmail you into playing?” You asked, trying to make small talk.</p><p>    “I wasn’t blackmailed,” He answered, “I had nothing better to do anyway.”</p><p>    “You don’t like volleyball or something?”</p><p>    “It’s not like that,” He turned to look at you, “It’s… It’s complicated.”</p><p>    “It doesn’t have to be,” You smiled, tilting your head. “It’s a game, but it can also be a very passionate thing to believe in.”</p><p>    “Yeah, I… I don’t think it’s anything more than a game.”</p><p>    “For what it’s worth, Tsukishima-kun,” You noticed he turned away, “You’re really good.”</p><p>You got up a second later before reaching Akaashi, as he linked his hands wordlessly into yours. You giggled before waving at everyone and walked out, having Akaashi drop you off to the dorms for the night. Once you were certain that no one was around, you tiptoed to kiss him, but he pulled away.</p><p>    “I did say I’d have to punish you.” Akaashi said, smiling sweetly.</p><p>    “Keiji-kun!” You whispered, “I… I—“</p><p>Without warning, he leaned in and kissed you squarely, before gripping your face and pulling you closer. It was the happiest you had been in your life when Akaashi kissed you till you were breathless. You may have been his first kiss, but he was good at everything he tried, and goodness gracious, his kisses knocked you out for a toss. When you were kissing him, you failed to think of anything that could take this feeling away. You were more than glad that you were here with him, and that he was there with you, despite knowing that there was something severe you were hiding from him.</p><p>You hadn’t mentioned a word to him about going abroad. You knew what his response would be, and while you loved that quality about Akaashi, you knew you’d have to just keep being selfish if it meant staying with him.</p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>You didn’t know how you were in this situation. Papers scattered all over your room floor, tears streaming down your eyes, the rain heavy on the outside. This was supposed to be the happiest year of your life, and yet, everything was beginning to fall apart. Not knowing angst for a whole two years had left your heart deprived of feeling pain, and now, everything was hitting you harder than before. You pressed your palm to your mouth and cried into it, unable to take away the words that kept ringing into your head.</p><p>Words that came from a very, very unlikely source.</p><p><em>Your father spoke to me</em>, you shrunk to the ground, <em>He told me what you didn’t. (y/n)-san, why didn’t you tell me?</em></p><p>
  <em>Why didn’t you tell me about your English results?</em>
</p><p>You were quite positive that Akaashi was mad at you, and the feeling left you breathless. You hated it when he was anything close to mad at you, and despite the fact that you two hadn’t had many fights in the one and half years you’ve been together, fighting with Akaashi took a huge toll on your mental health. However, he’d always know when to stop, what lines to never cross, what not to say, and he never had. Even now, you cried primarily because Akaashi’s kindness was strong despite the fact that you had kept something from him.</p><p>You were quite possibly the most livid at your father for even approaching Akaashi. He’d assumed Akaashi was the reason you weren’t going abroad, and while you knew he was right, you didn’t want him encroaching on your decisions. Your phone rang a moment later, and you knew it was Keiji even before checking; and once you checked, your heart broke because it was.</p><p>    “Keiji-kun—“</p><p>    “Please, can we talk?”</p><p>You knew what the conversation would entail. You had almost an entire semester for graduation, and if you didn’t apply now, you wouldn’t be able to. You knew what he was trying to talk you into doing, and you knew where it would lead. </p><p>    “Keiji-kun, please. Please, listen to me—“</p><p>    “No,” He was adamant when he needed to be, “I need you to listen to me this time.”</p><p>There was no possible way you were going to win against him this way. You felt your lip quiver before nodding and then realizing that he had no way to know if you were nodding. </p><p>    “You’re nodding, aren’t you?”</p><p>Tears pooled in your eyes at how easily he had understood you. You once believed you couldn’t love anyone more than Oikawa Tooru, and he had been a bane in your life for finding love till Akaashi walked in. Now, you shared the same fate as your past self, and you regretted nothing more than falling for Akaashi at all. The pain was too much, the shock was too real, and Akaashi was just too much of a gentleman. </p><p>    “Okay.”</p><p>    “(y/n)-san, this is big. You have always been interested in English, you deserve to go to a good college. I know you can get in if you apply. So please, answer me honestly. Why are you not applying?”</p><p>    “Keiji-kun… I…”</p><p>    “If that reason,” You heard his voice break, “If that reason is me, then (y/n)-san, you’re doing me a big injustice by being here.”</p><p>    “What?” You didn’t understand him.</p><p>    “Yes. I don’t want you to be here at the expense of missing out on such a good opportunity. I don’t want to be that kind of person for you. I can’t be a person you might regret staying with later because you missed out on something—“</p><p>    “Keiji-kun, I will never regret—“</p><p>    “So you say now,” His voice was kind, but his words were not, “(y/n)-san, please. Please, be logical about this.”</p><p>I want to see him, you thought and pressed your lips together. You heard him sigh before some shuffling sounded on the other end. You hated the situation you were in, grief pooled in from every angle, and it left you so overwhelmed you believed every cell in your body was crying.</p><p>    “Give me ten minutes.” You heard him say and end the call.</p><p>You stared at the phone before feeling your heart drop. You felt the old bitterness, which you had tried so hard to swallow, rise again in your throat, and you knew there are disappointments that last as long as life did. You tried to blink back the tears that just kept coming. Eventually, you gave up and let your sight be obscured. Sobs force their way out of your throat. You felt like you’re trapped in a disaster movie where everything is shriveling into darkness and ash. Sunflowers are being uprooted. Puppies are being trampled. Whole cities are crumbling to dust. However, in that time when you were wallowing, the door opened, and in came Akaashi, who silently crouched in front of you, soaked to the bone, cold, shaking hands caressing your cheek.</p><p>You immediately gave him a towel, had him dry off just a bit. He placed the towel on the edge of your bed before sitting on it, and you hugged him, not bothered about getting your clothes wet. </p><p>    “(y/n)-san—“</p><p>    “Don’t you love me enough to want me to stay with you?” Your voice broke.</p><p>He wrapped his hands around you before pulling you to his lap. The coldness of his body did little to push you away. If anything, you hugged him tighter.</p><p>    “I love you enough to want to watch you become the best version of yourself.”</p><p><em>Why does he have to be like this?</em> You thought, shutting your eyes. <em>He’s going to catch a cold if he’s wearing those clothes</em>, you thought, but neither of you made any attempt to move. His arms were wrapped around your form, and yours around his, and the silence in the air was coarse and thick, it was devastating you. You pulled apart slightly to take a look at him and your heart broke: His face looked almost as gray as his T-shirt, and the pouches beneath his eyes looked like little bags for holding all the sadness that his head couldn't hold. </p><p>    “Please.” He asked, begging.</p><p>And when someone like Akaashi Keiji begged for you to go ahead and live your life, who were you to say no?</p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>He was there when you’d gotten the response letter from the college you’d applied to. A strange, wistful joy encompassed your being at the thought of studying something from a place you’d never been to, a country you’d never set foot on, and despite it being just two years, you wondered how selfish you’d be if you asked Akaashi to…</p><p>You shook your head. You knew where this was going. </p><p>You walked toward the gym where Akaashi definitely was, before noticing him practice. Your school’s team had finally reached the Nationals, and they were a game away from winning. Yours and Akaashi’s relationship had come to a firm pause after that discussion in your room almost a semester ago, but that didn’t stop you from checking on each other. Akaashi’s silence still embraced you, and in many ways, you were just as present for him too.</p><p>Once his practice was over, you smiled up at him as soon as he stepped out, shocking him with your presence. Bokuto and the others went ahead, and Akaashi blinked at you.</p><p>    “What are you doing here?”</p><p>    “I had something to show you.”</p><p>Akaashi’s heart pummelled at the sight of you. No part of him stopped loving you, but he knew you needed space right then till you could finish applying and studying. He loved how dedicated you were, and this was perhaps the sole reason why he knew you deserved to go to a good college. Even if that meant choosing a good college over him. He would never stand in between you and what you dreamed, and if it meant speaking you into breaking up with him, then so be it. However, seeing you when he didn’t expect to, left a mark in his chest in strange ways. It gave him hope and pulled him back to where he had been before your father had spoken to him. It scared him, that he could still be so selfish about you, but you had turned him into a believer, and no part of him regretted that change.</p><p>As soon as you reached a bus stop, it began to pour down heavily. You groaned before rubbing up and down your arms, knowing now you had to wait till the rain stopped. Akaashi put a hesitant arm around you before pulling you closer, freezing you in place.</p><p>    “I can let go if you—“</p><p>    “No,” You said, firmly, “I’m cold.”</p><p>Akaashi smiled before rubbing his hand up and down your arm. In a few seconds of silence, however, you spoke.</p><p>    “I got accepted into the college I was applying for.”</p><p>You could feel him tense up, but what you didn’t expect was for him to pull you in front of him and stare into your eyes. You didn’t think it was possible for another person to look so happy for your happiness, but here he was. Akaashi Keiji, a perfect man. </p><p>    “I’m so proud of you—“</p><p>    “Can you,” You tried very hard not to cry, “Will you kiss me, Keiji?”</p><p>Wordlessly, he leaned forward and kissed you passionately, throwing in everything into that one kiss. Words couldn’t compare to the emotion his lips penetrated into you, of how every single day without being able to touch you left him hungry for something he didn’t know he had an appetite for, of how watching you cry had broken him beyond understanding, and of how learning that you were going to leave was going to irreparably break him. Yet, he wanted the best for you. Because that was who he was.</p><p>Pulling away, he wiped the tears that had managed to stream down your cheeks and kissed them, before chuckling.</p><p>    “You’re supposed to be happy,” He said, “Happy. Not crying.”</p><p>    “I love you.”</p><p>Quietly, he watched you. His blue eyes scanning all over you. He loved you. You knew. You never doubted it.</p><p>    “I love you so much.”</p><p>There were many things you’d miss about Tokyo, the same as you had missed about Miyagi. You’d learned that it was inevitable that you had to leave a place you were growing comfortable in. It wasn’t that fate was unkind, it was that growth included throwing yourself into uncomfortable situations and that seeking this sort of discomfort was the only way forward. You’d miss your new friends, Yukie, Kaori, and Bocchan. You’d miss Fukurodani, and the volleyball gym. You’d miss Tetsu, Futaba, and Kenma. However, what you learned right then was how every part of you still missed Miyagi—Iwa-chan, and Tooru, despite it all. You’ll remember how it felt when Akaashi filled your water bottle. You’ll remember how it felt when Tooru smirked at your strangely good spikes. You’ll remember Yaku’s shoulder touching yours. You’ll remember Kuroo sneering at you. </p><p>But most of all, you'll remember how Akaashi loved you. You turned away, knowing that you might never get to see Akaashi Keiji again in the future. But you will know him for the rest of your life.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. chapter - five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>I’m down to just one thing, and I’m starting to scare myself.</em>
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</blockquote><p> </p><p>•─────☾ ☽─────•</p><p> </p><p>For all his life, Tsukishima Kei had been, what the others would call, a voluntary loner. It wasn’t as if he didn’t want friends, it was that it took too much effort in blending in, making small talk, and the little differences that he noticed among peers stood out like canyons in the horizon, and once he spotted them, Kei couldn’t quite unsee them. In all that chaos, Yamaguchi did show him friendship, understanding, and the sort of compassion that Tsukishima approved of (felt comfortable with), and he wouldn’t deny it, he was a bit insufferable only because his walls were up almost all the time. People are sometimes born this way not because they went through something difficult, but because it was almost natural to want to protect yourself from the world.</p><p>Something Tsukishima never quite grew out of. When it came down to just one thing, he was first to go out there and lay it out on his brother being an inspiration, but when it all came crashing down, the garden of Eden suddenly exploded in his face, and Kei was left to wonder if anything at all deserved the passion that he had blindly thrown into the world. His brother had once been his beacon of hope, and Tsukishima had allowed that light to guide him—but that was where he had gone wrong. Because there was no external light that could guide you. Like the very moon after which he was named, there was no light he was capable of producing on his own. And, unfortunately, the one light he had tried reflecting, burned his very skin whole.</p><p>    “Aren’t you excited about the training camp?” Yamaguchi asked, causing the blond boy to roll his eyes.</p><p>    “What for? It’s a waste of my time,” Tsukishima didn’t find it hard to demean his interests, “It’s just a club. I don’t see why we’re going out of the way like this.”</p><p>Yamaguchi stared at his friend oddly; he knew what drove Tsukishima to a corner, but his mistakes lay in never speaking up. He knew Kei didn’t appreciate closure in the form of words, but if there was even a little bit Yamaguchi was willing to do, it was to stay beside him and listen if at all Kei needed to vent. </p><p>On reaching the camp, being in a team that was forcibly the worst performing team in the entire camp beat him down to a corner even more than Yamaguchi had realized. Tsukishima was snappier, there was a lot on his mind, and the silence that he now radiated from himself wasn’t the usual silence that Yamaguchi was used to. Tsukishima’s discomfort didn’t lie in the fact that he hated volleyball or chose to present himself as someone who disliked the sport; it lay in the fact that admitting that he cared about something would take him back to the one incident that had brought his entire morale down. While Yamaguchi knew that it was a defense mechanism with many flaws, he also knew that Kei was just as human as the rest of them.</p><p>However, human beings inevitably face uncomfortable situations in nameless ways. There were myriad things that could cause someone like Tsukishima discomfort, like pitting him against Hinata when he didn’t really want to be around the shorter boy. Or, placing him forcefully in a group he had nothing in common with (like his very volleyball team, for instance) or a new occurrence, a rather unexpected and blinding situation such as having a mild, growing, irrevocably useless attraction to someone.</p><p>When Tsukishima’s eyes fell on <em>you</em> for the first time on the first day of the camp, you were handing out water bottles to the Fukurodani volleyball team. He understood instantly that you were a manager, and from the comfort in your movements, you were either a second or third year, not that it even mattered. You were smiling, before rolling your eyes at the weird white-haired male’s antics and laughing at something someone else had said. It wasn’t the cheerfulness in your body language that had directed Kei’s eyes towards you, it was definitely the water bottle, it was definitely because he was thirsty, even though he had drunk water less than a minute ago. Practice does make people thirsty, who was he to complain?</p><p>When Karasuno was to play against Fukurodani, Tsukishima spotted you again at the benches, with the other two female managers. He could overhear Tanaka and Nishinoya's comment on how amazing it was that this school had three managers, and all of them being cute, not that Tsukishima denied that. You were definitely cute, not because he thought you were—of course, cute was a term that was meant to be used, <em>cute</em> meant having certain features placed in certain ways, it had <em>nothing</em> to do with the fact that when you sneezed, your eyes closed in a particular way that brought redness to your cheeks or it didn’t have anything to do with how your giggle at your volleyball team’s idiotic antics sounded, it definitely had nothing to do with how you looked in the practice uniform or how you had done your hair. You were cute because your characteristics fell under the category of the cute umbrella, it had <em>nothing</em> to do with—</p><p>    “What’re you staring at, Tsukki?” </p><p>Tsukishima turned away instantly, feeling some sort of bile lodge in his throat, before feeling his chest rise up and fall uncharacteristically. He turned to face Yamaguchi who looked absolutely clueless at what had just happened, and the blond was more than thankful that no one had really picked up what had happened.</p><p>    “Not cool, Keiji-kun!” </p><p>Tsukishima suddenly turned to you, yelling at one of the black-haired individuals in your school’s team. You looked flustered and suddenly, he felt breathless at the sight of you. You were frowning, but no part of that frown held any malice or ill-will, almost as if you were just frowning since something cute had happened. Tsukishima turned toward this ‘<em>Keiji-kun</em>’, the setter of Fukurodani, before wondering if there was something between you two. Shaking his head, he reminded himself that there was no need to think of you so often, considering this was all just a club-activity. Suddenly, you turned to him, causing his insides to turn into jelly, before noticing that you were smiling at him now. Without another reaction, Kei turned away effortlessly, ignoring the thumping of his heart.</p><p>When it was revealed that the members of the volleyball club were going to do all they could to individually improve their skills, Tsukishima believed it was perhaps the worst thing that they could possibly do considering how badly they had performed that day. The other teams present in the training camp were far superior (especially your school, and that made him think of your smile again, strangely, and it had nothing to do with the fact that he thought it was a bit nice that you smiled so much despite his own team having lost so many times, or maybe it was because his team lost against your school, he had no idea; but, he thought of your smile only because he thought of Fukurodani, not because of <em>you</em> or anything). He had no interest in learning more about middle blocking, he had no interest in improving himself for the sake of a volleyball club that didn’t deserve his time. He knew he had to focus first on college, which even though was two years away, deserved more of an effort than a stupid club. </p><p>Right after practice, he felt as if his heart was going to jump out of his chest at how much he had moved in a single day. Not that he wasn’t used to practicing at all, it was just intense after a day of traveling. Gulping down water, Tsukishima couldn’t think of anything except a warm bath, and his bed and perhaps, if the chance was fortunate, running into you somehow, but that was simply because your team must probably be practicing somewhere and you didn’t seem the type to miss out on watching them. Not because he wanted to see you, he just expected to see you near your school team if they were around.</p><p>    “Ah, Tsukki! I’m going to hit some serves, would you—“</p><p>    “I’m going to go take a bath and go to bed.” Tsukishima brushed off his friend instantly.</p><p>He knew he could at least engage in some activity with his friend, but considering how there was no need to, he’d rather just disengage entirely. He walked back alone, not minding the silence, and passed by a rather heavily lit gym that was supposed to have been closed a while ago. </p><p>    “Oh, you! Karasuno!” A familiar voice sounded from behind him.</p><p>Tsukishima didn’t bother to turn, but the voice continued, “Would you jump some blocks for us?”</p><p>Tsukishima felt his eyebrow twitch at the sight of the captains of Nekoma and Fukurodani, just standing there, watching him expectantly.</p><p>    “Why not ask someone from Fukurodani?” He asked, narrowing his eyes.</p><p>    “There’s no limit to Bokuto-san’s spiking practice, so everyone runs away pretty quickly.” ‘<em>Keiji-kun</em>’ from earlier spoke.</p><p>A part of him wondered if <em>you</em> would be inside, and just the thought of seeing you again excited him. It wasn’t because he wanted to <em>see</em> you, of course, it was simply because now there was… Because… Well…</p><p><em>Oh, shit.</em> Tsukishima grumbled internally before realizing what this was. </p><p>    “He may not look it,” Kuroo then pointed to Bokuto, “But this guy’s one of the top five spikers in the country. Besides, if you’re a Middle Blocker, you should practice your blocking a little more.” Kuroo said, threateningly. </p><p>Or tried to.</p><p>Tsukishima felt a vein pop in his forehead before begrudgingly agreeing to the ‘invite’. As soon as he stepped inside, he spotted you filling water bottles, and he tried swallowing the stone that had somehow lodged itself in his throat. Kuroo walked over to you before pressing your head down, earning a tight slap on his shoulder, which he laughed to. So, you knew Kuroo too? You narrowed your eyes at the black-haired male before turning and spotting him, and your eyes widened because you definitely recognized him. You smiled and waved before Kei was pulled away into practice, and from the corner of his eye, he could spot you and Akaashi (the <em>Keiji-kun</em> from earlier) exchange glances. Kei didn’t realize he looked at you for a second longer than he’d look at anyone, before turning to do a little bit of blocking before he could leave.</p><p>After some time, however, Tsukishima felt exhausted. Every time Bokuto-san yelled ‘One more!’, the blond wanted to scream and walk away, but some part of him wondered what gave the white-haired male so much energy. It was as if Akaashi wasn’t even joking about Bokuto’s endless limit, which irritated Kei to no end, but at least you were sitting there, watching, handing out water bottles if anyone needed it, and he had finally learned that your name was (l/n) (y/n), and everyone in the room apparently felt comfortable enough to call you by your first name. Especially, <em>Keiji-kun. </em></p><p>During a break, Kei found himself seated on the same bench as you, and perhaps that was what gave you a reason to turn to him and speak to him. Not that he minded, but seeing as this conversation wasn’t going to lead to anywhere, he didn’t really see the point in engaging at all. However, even if he thought that, Kei felt his palms were sweatier than usual, and his heart was palpitating rapidly. He didn’t like the concept of attraction, but regardless of what he thought of it, he was perpetually victim to such occurrences.   </p><p>    “Did Bokuto blackmail you into playing?” You asked, trying to make small talk.</p><p>    “I wasn’t blackmailed,” He answered, “I had nothing better to do anyway.</p><p>    “You don’t like volleyball or something?”</p><p>    “It’s not like that,” He turned to look at you, “It’s… It’s complicated.”</p><p>   “It doesn’t have to be,” You smiled, tilting your head in a cute way. “It’s a game, but it can also be a very passionate thing to believe in.”</p><p>    “Yeah, I… I don’t think it’s anything more than a game.”</p><p>    “For what it’s worth, Tsukishima-kun,” He turned away hoping you wouldn’t notice the redness in his face, “You’re really good.”</p><p>A second later, you walked over to Akaashi before linking your hands with his, thus intensifying his suspicions that you and <em>Keiji-kun</em> were more than just regular friends. It wasn’t as if it was a flat-out rejection, but it was a sure sign that he didn’t really have the right to feel bad about what had happened; he had no right to, you weren’t his, you weren’t even someone he knew too well. Therefore, feeling bad over you having a boyfriend was a silly thing. It was almost like being passionate over a game and believing it was worth more effort than it deserved. </p><p>When Kuroo managed to block one of Bokuto’s spikes, resulting in Bokuto’s incoherent yelling, you laughed before clapping once. You immediately covered your mouth when Bokuto gave you a heartbroken look, which caused the black-haired male to laugh some more. </p><p>    “You know,” Bokuto began, and at first Tsukishima couldn’t tell if Bokuto was talking to him, “You’re great at reading attacks, four eyes, but your blocks are pretty weak.” </p><p>He definitely did not enjoy being told that. </p><p>    “Bocchan! Don’t bully him!” Kei heard you yell, but ‘Bocchan’ didn’t really care.</p><p>    “Your arms are so frail I’m scared I’m going to break them.”</p><p>    “Bocchan!”</p><p>Bokuto gave you a helpless look before turning to Tsukishima, who had his own rejoinder. </p><p>    “I’ve just started gaining muscle and getting taller.” Tsukishima said, mockingly.</p><p>    “Talk like that, and the little shrimp is going to hog all the glory.” Kuroo said, further intensifying Kei’s dissatisfaction at being there.</p><p>    “I don’t think that can be helped,” Kei said, mockingly again, rubbing the back of his neck. “Now, if you’ll excuse me.”</p><p>It didn’t take him long to leave the gym, but every single word that was spoken to him was etched in his soul. It’s because you put so much effort into it that you suffer later, he thought, frowning hard. The bath and the bed seemed like heaven to him right then. </p><p>The next day, during the end of practice, Kei found himself turning to Azumane with a questioning glance. It wasn’t as if he wasn’t thinking about what Kuroo had told him on the first night he agreed to jump a few blocks. Every word that Kuroo and Bokuto had said made Kei wonder if there was something else that could be done, that all of this actually meant something—even if he didn’t want it to. <em>For what it’s worth, Tsukishima-kun, you’re really good</em>, your voice echoed in his head, even though he knew it didn’t really have to.</p><p>    “Doesn’t it bother you, Azumane-san?” Only if Kei had realized that this question was more internal than he’d known, it would have helped him further down the line, “The feeling of immense talent creeping up behind you?”</p><p>    “Well, I can say I’m not at ease.” Azumane said, closing his eyes.</p><p>    “I’m sure Hinata is still obsessing over the title of Ace. If you’re not careful, Hinata’s probably going to bite you again because he’s too focused.”</p><p>Azumane took no time in replying, “Our positions kind of make Hinata our rival, so we probably notice more than the others how much he’s grown from the baby bird he used to be. But,” Asahi took a step forward as he spoke, a weird glint in his eye, “I don’t plan on losing to him.”</p><p>
  <em>For what it’s worth, Tsukishima-kun, you’re really good.</em>
</p><p>The next evening, Bokuto approached Tsukishima once more. He knew right away that it was about practicing, and he knew right away that the answer could very well be a no if he wanted it to.</p><p>    “Do you want to come practice with us again?” </p><p>    “I’m sorry, I’ll pass,”</p><p>However, a moment later, he spotted you talking to Akaashi and another female manager, a large grin on your face, and as if on cue, you turned to him and waved, skipping toward where Bokuto stood. You placed your hands on your hips before leaning forward, almost inquisitively. Kei could feel his palms sweat again, but honestly, there was no need to.</p><p>    “Are you joining these boys in practice again? It’ll be fun, you should come.”</p><p>    “No,” He could feel his stomach hurt, but he ignored it, “Thank you.”</p><p>He walked away from there, not forgetting how your face looked before heading out the gym door. There was no need for this; he didn’t have to overthink your words. So what if he was good in your eyes? Who were you even? Just a girl he’d seen somewhere and someone he thought was a bit cute, but that didn’t matter at all. Nothing about this entire camp mattered. Nothing—</p><p>    “Tsukki!”</p><p>He paused momentarily before spotting Yamaguchi panting his life out in front of him. What was even the need for such a commotion? Tsukishima wondered what his friend wanted.</p><p>    “What?”</p><p>    “Tsukki, you’ve always been so smart and capable of doing everything. I’ve always envied you.”</p><p>    “So?”</p><p>    “But, you’ve been so lame lately!” Yamaguchi exclaimed, shocking the blond to his core. “Hinata will probably be a little giant someday. Why don’t you just try to beat him then? You can just prove to him that you are so much more skilled than him!”</p><p>
  <em>For what it’s worth, Tsukishima-kun...</em>
</p><p>    “You’re tall, you’re clever, and you read the ball so well. Why do you think you’re no better than anyone else?”</p><p>
  <em>...you’re really good.</em>
</p><p>    “Even if I tried my best, so much that I even become Karasuno’s best player, what’s going to happen next?” Tsukishima didn’t realize the intensity of how the words felt as they slipped out of his tongue.</p><p>    “Even if we make it to the Nationals, where do we go next? There are so many who are better than us. Even if we end up doing well,” He felt as if his heart would burst, and the words came out loud, “We’ll never be number one!”</p><p>
  <em>For what it’s worth, Tsukishima-kun—</em>
</p><p>    “We’ll eventually lose! Everyone knows that!”</p><p>
  <em>For what it’s worth—</em>
</p><p>    “But why do they have to work so hard?” </p><p>
  <em>For what—</em>
</p><p>Instantly, Yamaguchi jumped forward and grabbed a piece of Tsukishima’s shirt, baffling the taller male to his very core. Yamaguchi wasn’t one to outwardly react in a way as he had done, his entire body was shaking because he was feeling just as intensely.</p><p>    “That’s… What else do we need besides pride?!” He screamed.</p><p>
  <em>It’s a game, but it can also be a very passionate thing to believe in.</em>
</p><p>Why in the world was he thinking of <em>you</em>? A girl he didn’t even know?</p><p>    “Who knew…” Tsukishima had never felt calmer. “…that this day would come.”</p><p>Despite the fear lodged in Yamaguchi’s face, what confused him more was when Tsukishima began to smile. Pride bubbled in his chest to see his best friend finally speak out when he was being an absolute moron. It was about time, anyway.</p><p>    “When did you become so cool? You are really cool,”</p><p>At least, better than me being absorbed in my worn-out thoughts. </p><p>    “But, I still can’t accept it. I’m going to ask someone.”</p><p>He knew where your friends (and your boyfriend) would be practicing. It wasn’t because he was paying so much attention to where you were, or what you’d do, or that he’d memorized the location of your usual night-time practices. He found your right outside the gym that evening before walking over to you, blinking at you, wondering if saying your name out would be the best way to break the ice. You hadn’t seen him yet, your back was turned to him and it seemed like you were checking your phone.</p><p>    “Um—“</p><p>You jumped before turning to face Tsukishima, your eyes widening at the sheer height difference that was suddenly brought up.</p><p>    “Tsukishima-kun?”</p><p>    “I need to ask your friends a favor.”</p><p>Suddenly, your eyes twinkled and Tsukishima finally allowed himself to call you cute. Because you were.</p><p>    “They’re right inside! Head on in!”</p><p>Before he could willingly walk inside, he paused briefly, before turning to you, finding that you were cheerfully smiling at him without a care in the world. For a moment, he considered smiling back, but when his heart constricted the way it did, he knew it was better off not to dawdle. After all, some crushes weren’t meant to be accepted or vocalized. Some just showed you a part of yourself you had been ignoring all along.</p><p>    “Thanks.” He found himself saying, and you were just confused.</p><p>Maybe he was just thanking you because you told him where the rest of the guys were? You’d never really know. </p><p>The next morning, when Yamaguchi asked what Tsukishima was staring at, the blond had no trouble just casually slipping out ‘She’s cute’ at a bewildered Yamaguchi, who agreed because yeah, sure, but the sheer boldness with which his blond friend had admitted it, shocked him. Perhaps, he’d never know that accepting a few things over a course of one night could lead him farther than he’d ever realized. After all, it didn’t really take a lot for one to throw out assumptions. All it took was a compliment from a stranger. A cute one, at that.</p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>Kuroo’s father was accustomed to finding you outside his house even when the time was over 10 p.m. After all, you two had known each other almost all your lives, you were practically like a daughter to him. However, when he saw how puffed up your eyes were and how you were shaking out in the cold, he didn’t take a second longer before calling his son downstairs and bringing you inside.</p><p>    “Do you need anything to drink?”</p><p>You shook your head vehemently before spotting Tetsu near the stairs. His eyes widened at the sight of you before a nervous chuckle exited his lips. He brushed his dad aside before wrapping an arm around you and taking you to his room. He rubbed calming circles on your back before cooing and saying it was all right, even though he knew exactly what was happening. Your eyes landed on the suitcases and the several papers scattered over his bead, and it was then you were reminded that Kuroo was, like you, leaving the country for further studies.</p><p>    “I’m sorry…” You said, “I know… I know I’m barging—“</p><p>    “Shut it,” He rubbed the back of his neck before bringing you to sit on his bed, while he sat beside you. “What’s wrong? You look terrible.”</p><p>You let out a chuckle, “Wow, thanks, Tetsu. That’s very—“</p><p>    “(y/n).”</p><p>You quickly shut up before feeling your lip quiver. Tetsu’s golden eyes watched from the side, before carefully evaluating what this could be. He’d heard from Bokuto that Akaashi had been feeling a bit out of it, but considering how they’d lost at the finals in the Nationals, Kuroo wondered if that was the reason. But, seeing you like this instantly made him understand that you were the reason.</p><p>    “Akaashi… I… It’s so hard—“</p><p>    “What I don’t understand is why you didn’t decide to continue.”</p><p>You turned to look at Kuroo with a questioning glance. </p><p>    “What do you mean?”</p><p>He shrugged, “It’s just two years, (y/n). You and Keiji were great together. It wasn’t as if some distance could have changed that.”</p><p>You knew that. You knew that quite well, and it was a conversation you remember having with Keiji long ago. However, as someone who’d left Miyagi, and now as someone who was leaving Tokyo, the time limit or the duration of how long you’d be gone didn’t matter. Akaashi didn’t want to tie you down if at all your decisions changed. Being committed to something before you were to explore something new seemed unfair to him, and unfair to you. After all, you weren’t the only one going to college.</p><p>    “Keiji and I… We decided that a long-distance would just drag us down. Whether it would have worked or not isn’t… It’s not right to decide before we—“</p><p>    “That’s bullshit,” Kuroo said, raising his eyes at you, “You should have at least tried—“</p><p>    “Tetsu,” Your voice broke, “It’s not fair to me, or him, to keep this alive if I’m not in Tokyo. He could find someone else when I’m gone, or I could… I could…”</p><p>    “You can’t even complete that sentence.” </p><p>As much as he hated that analogy, Kuroo knew where Akaashi was coming from. A man of complete logic, he’d known that long-distance relationships were more painful than one could afford. You were going off to a new country, probably meeting everyone new for the first time, despite the culture shock, despite how new and different everything would be, missing someone and wanting to see them is an added burden that you didn’t deserve. And for Akaashi, missing you, wondering if you were okay, making time for you and preparing for finals and volleyball simultaneously would be a challenge and if it went south, breaking up with you while you were overseas…</p><p>He let out a sigh. <em>Damn it</em>, Kuroo thought, <em>Akaashi, you’re a smart guy. Sometimes, I wish you weren’t.</em></p><p>    “It’s… It’s all Tooru’s fault,” You laughed, wiping the tears that fell from your eyes, “He taught me to love when we were kids. And when I left, I’ve constantly been looking for that everywhere I go. Now, I found it and… I have to leave again.”</p><p>Kuroo watched you before blinking twice. </p><p>    “Back in middle school,” He began, “I had a crush on you.”</p><p>Your eyes widened as you turned to him, “What? No way. You were bullying me the whole time!”</p><p>Tetsu laughed before letting out a snort, “Yeah! It was weird. But, I think it’s kinda stupid for you to think no one will live up to some childhood lover’s shoes. You do realize that this Tooru guy is different now, right? You probably wouldn’t like him as he is now. And to think that every time you find love, it won’t last… How old are you again?”</p><p>You let out a laugh. You quickly narrowed your eyes. </p><p>    “Can we stalk him?” </p><p>Kuroo blinked, “Who? Tooru?”</p><p>You nodded, bringing out your phone. You opened Instagram and typed in the name Oikawa Tooru before finding one private account, and your heart flipped when you saw the one display picture that you could. Oikawa, shooting a peace symbol at the camera. Oikawa, your Oikawa, in high school, wearing white and some sort of bluish-green, and his hair still marvelous. You didn’t know why, but somehow, seeing him again made you want to cry. It felt as if you were finally allowed to let tears fall after keeping them in for too long, and the more you cried, the more your shoulders shook; and instead of feeling choked up and tired, it felt as if every cry was you breathing for the first time in a long while.</p><p>You felt Kuroo wrap an arm around your shoulder and you cried some more, thinking of Oikawa, and thinking of Akaashi, and thinking of your place in the world. What you didn’t realize that there were many unrequited emotions that you weren’t quite aware of. There could be people secretly being in love with you, and you’d never know. You could be in love with people you’d never talk to. You could love someone for a while and forget them next. Someone could like you before deciding themselves that you weren’t their type. </p><p>All these motions were supposed to move along in a particular direction, but if we were all aware of said direction, then happiness would lose its quality of being jubilant. After all, predictability makes things lose their charm; it is the fact that they remain a mystery does euphoria actually exist.</p><p>You could very well fall in love over and over again, but the childish attachment you had to Tooru would never quite disappear. Because we all tend to cling to things that bring us the most comfort. To you, it wasn’t the idea of cotton candy or a childhood lullaby. To you, it was your childhood best friend, with the most marvelous hair you’d ever seen on a boy. Now, even though Akaashi had come close or even went above that image, Tooru still remained a nestled memory inside your heart. Because forgetting Akaashi came with pain. However, forgetting Tooru? You didn’t think it was even possible. </p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>He let out a breath when he discerned that this would be his last day in Japan for a long while. He hated the smell of Tokyo, it always made him feel as if the air was dry and the people were cold; not that it mattered right then. Oikawa Tooru was a man of many talents, but blending in a crowd was the least of his interests.</p><p>Tooru turned to find his sister and nephew wave at him as he crossed over to the part of the airport that was a point of no return. He waved at his family before feeling a tad bit wistful. He turned to spot Iwa-chan there and knew that he also had stuff to pack before he left. Letting out a sigh, Oikawa turned to push his luggage through the door, blissfully aware that the leaving was what was causing so much excitement. Once he entered the airport, he looked around, people were scattered everywhere, and he let out a breath—not shaky, not controlled, but a full, solid breath of pure adrenaline.</p><p>He felt his phone buzz and noticed that it was his sister, wishing him good luck again. A smile sat on his lips and he looked up. His eyes scanned for a cafe or someplace he could get some coffee, and he froze for a full second. His eyes landed on someone that looked a tad bit familiar—(h/c) hair, and a suitcase of luggage that she seemed to be carrying. Oikawa had last seen that mop years ago when someone had walked out of his life. Every girl that came after (y/n) was someone inadequate in his mind, and therefore, he stopped trying. All she wanted was for him to focus on volleyball, and so he did. </p><p>He blinked and looked at this familiar person again and when he couldn’t find her, Oikawa felt nothing. Romance was a waste of time, after all, since it was childish and cold. The first time he kissed a girl and enjoyed it, he pictured (y/n). He wondered about her and if he’d enjoy kissing her if he knew her as a teenager. He wondered if loving her would make him feel more accomplished because the girls that he dated certainly didn’t come close. (y/n) helped him with his sets, as no other girl had—and despite Iwaizumi telling him it was brutally juvenile of him to be stuck on a girl who was just supposed to be a phase, Oikawa didn’t care. </p><p>Childhood memories were etched in one's head like a rock; they were oftentimes more intense than they actually were. Despite knowing this, Oikawa kept your memory on a pedestal. It didn’t matter if he’d known you just for the first 9 years of his life, or if it had been close to 7 years since you’d walked out of his, to Oikawa, whether you liked it or not, you came first. Because as intense as his feelings were for you when he was 11-years old, they hadn’t repeated in the same intensity as he grew. Instead of accommodating as it being something to do with him growing up as a person, Oikawa understood it as being inadequate. It was natural to stop feeling butterflies at one point, but Oikawa didn’t bother to place any sort of semblance there; since, with you, everything was easy. With you, Oikawa had loved, and loved volleyball, and felt no guilt. It wasn’t like when his ex-girlfriend accused him of being a shitty boyfriend, because you never had. The reasons his ex had mentioned she hated, you adored those about him, and that was what gave Oikawa all the more reason to not let your attachment go.</p><p>It didn’t matter if he had seen you or not in the airport right then. Finally, it was Oikawa who was leaving. Finally, he was moving forward and taking his own life with him. Love? Who needed it when he had volleyball? He was going to walk out of this place that gave him nothing but broken dreams. Because you… You’d taken half away already.</p><p>
  <em>I’ll always listen to you, Tooru-kun. </em>
</p><p>When you had walked out of his life and left Miyagi, you had taken Oikawa Tooru’s ability to love another person with you.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. chapter - six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Spoiler warnings for the Haikyuu manga!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>I took the batteries out my mysticism </em>
    <br/>
    <em>And put them in my thinking cap</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>
  <em>•─────☾ ☽─────•</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It didn’t take long for Futaba to find you amongst the crowd. Her stomach flipped when she saw you, practically for the first time in two and a half years, and she waved as if her life depended on it. Futaba’s bright orange hair made her stand out of the crowd, and the second you saw the new mop on her head, you let out a giggle before running into her hands for a hug. You’d missed the smell Futaba carried around with her, the smell of burnt marshmallows, citrus from her shampoo, and the usual—French fries and ketchup on her fingertips. Pulling away, you narrowed your eyes at her and laughed, feeling tears sting your eyes. </p><p>    “Stop,” She threatened, “Do not cry, woman. I will literally burst into a bubble.”</p><p>    “Ah, there’s the incorrect use of literally again.”</p><p>    “Don’t be a bitch that corrects grammar, (y/n),” Futaba rolled her eyes, “Because as you can see, I don’t give two shits.”</p><p>    “Clearly,” You laughed, “Your hair… It was blue last month!”</p><p>    “I feel like orange this month,” She shrugged, latching onto one of your bags, “Let’s go home. I’ve been camping at your folks’ for a few days now.”</p><p>You checked your phone and turned off airplane mode, and suddenly an influx of messages poured in. Tetsu had sent you multiple thumbs-ups, and a message saying he’ll see you in a month. Kenma had congratulated you and asked you and Futaba to join him for drinks later that night. Bokuto demanded you meet him as well, and a soft smile sat on your lips when you spotted Akaashi’s message, a simple ‘congratulations’ with a wistful memory attached. It had been two years, yet no one had told you that break-ups meant you couldn’t speak to your ex normally, ever again.</p><p>On your first birthday away from home, Akaashi had sent you a message wishing you a happy birthday. Bokuto had called, informed you of being enlisted into MSBY Black Jackals and sent a thousand pictures of his teammates and himself, Futaba had called and told you how far she’d come in her computers course in college, Tetsu had let you know he was in college studying business, and Kenma had started his own company! Your friends were going places, and you were more than happy but it also made you realize something else.</p><p>In your time away from Japan, you’d realized just how sheltered your life had been. Every decision you’d made, every person you’d met, you’d casually let things pass on their own course. With no agency, you’d never truly lived; just as the wind carried flowers in it sometimes, you swayed, not even bothered to consult free will. Akaashi suggested you separate, and you agreed; Yaku never told you about his crush on you and you never did; Tetsu had confessed to you and you barely responded—all things led you to understand that you were not really taking control of your situation. Upon that realization, you promised yourself that as much as you wanted to blame Oikawa for showing you love and for the universe for taking it away, you knew you were basically just hung up on an idea that wasn’t supposed to be placed on such a high pedestal.</p><p>Looking for love externally was a noble thing; however, it would remain noble only if you made just as much of an effort to find it within you. You’d callously understood from a short novel you’d read on one rainy day in London that we only accept the love we think we deserve; with you, you gave love you knew you didn’t. You weren’t now a person who stopped looking, but you were going to put any effort into not being blind any longer.</p><p>    “How was the flight? Jet-lagged?”</p><p>You hummed before rubbing the back of your neck, feeling the back of your eyelids burn. There was a rather hyperactive child sitting in front of your seat in the flight, and that had stolen your sleep away from you, or any prospect of it. Futaba grabbed your hand before guiding you toward the cab, narrating along the way that today was just about resting. </p><p>Once you reached home, your father was the first to come over and hug you. He initially hesitated, knowing that when you left Japan, you’d left on a bad note. Your eyes softened at his hesitance and you raised your arms before engulfing him in a hug. <em>If I hadn’t gone</em>, you thought,<em> I’d have regretted it so much.</em> The scent of your father brought tears to your eyes; you were now back home, safe and sound, and you had so much to mend. During dinner, you apologized to both your parents for creating a scene before leaving (not that you hadn’t before, but it was your first time seeing them in two and half years). Your mother brushed it aside, and it was your father who shook his head and admitted that he could have told you in another way, gotten across in some way you’d have understood easier.</p><p>You disagreed. </p><p>    “I wouldn’t have understood,” You admitted, “I was so…obsessed with the life I had with Akaashi and a part of me was always afraid of leaving and losing it. And in all that obsession, I’d never once picked myself. Loving someone at the expense of one’s self isn’t fair.”</p><p>    “Studying literature makes you deep, huh?” Futaba teased and you stuck your tongue out at her.</p><p>    “Where’s Tetsuroo?” Your mother asked, “Isn’t he also in the UK?”</p><p>    “Did you meet each other?”</p><p>You shook your head, “He was in Glasgow, and I was in London. It’s not excessively far, but… we were both really busy with college and Tetsu kept going back in the vacations because he wanted to visit. We never really had the chance. I’m meeting him next month, though, when he comes back.”</p><p>    “What’s the plan now?” </p><p>You smiled, knowing the answer to that question. You’d given a lot of thought into what you wanted to do, and the fact that you were finally doing something pushed you to admit to them something they probably didn’t know.</p><p>    “So, I’ve recently discovered how good of a prospect translation is,” You said, “I know English and Japanese now and translations in both those languages are interesting. But, studying literature made me realize that there’s a whole world out there with literature meant to be shared and understood. So, I…” You pressed your lips together, “I adore Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s literature so I’m planning on translating his work into Japanese. I initially want to begin with papers about him and slowly work myself up there—“</p><p>    “Whoa, wait a minute,” Futaba’s eyes were wide, “That means you need to know what language this guy’s been writing in.”</p><p>    “So,” You chuckled nervously, “Ahora puedo hablar un poco de español.”</p><p>Your parents and Futaba stared at you, shaking their heads. A moment later, Futaba screeched before getting up from her table and hugging you, making you laugh. You could see your father tear up, which made you want to hug him right away, but you sighed before forcing Futaba to sit back down.</p><p>    “It’s an idea,” You informed, “I’ll work for a while as a translator now before even thinking of using Spanish anywhere. It’s a dream, might not even happen.”</p><p>    “Let’s hope your dreams come true, darling.” Your mother said.</p><p>Once that night was over, you and Futaba spent almost all night talking to each other. She asked if you’d found anyone interesting in London and you rolled your eyes at her directness. You’d spent most of your life searching for the right kind of romance to top the ones you’d known, but you were no longer that person. You had dreams now, something you wanted to accomplish; you weren’t going to forget that anytime soon. The next morning, Futaba wanted to take you out for lunch. There was this restaurant down the road that was supposedly really good, and you nodded before agreeing to head over there for lunch.</p><p>The inside of the restaurant was fancy, and you noticed that it was primarily Japanese cuisine. Futaba nudged your shoulder before dragging you toward a particular table and seating you down.</p><p>    “You’re going to love the food here,” She said, “Apparently the chef himself comes over and talks to the customers. He’s a sweetheart and his sushi is fine if you know what I’m saying.”</p><p>Your eyes widened, “<em>Futaba</em>!”</p><p>    “You’ll see,” She giggled, “Just wait till you see him.”</p><p>A moment later, you looked up and found one of the most attractive males come to take your order. You knew that this restaurant was fancy, but was this guy really a chef? His grey hair was parted on one side, and it was clearly an undercut, and his eyes despite looking lazy, seemed mesmerizing. You found yourself grinning at Futaba who wriggled her eyebrows at you, knowing what was running through her mind. </p><p>    “Yer back,” He spoke with a heavy Hyogo accent, “Missing our food already?”</p><p>    “Yep, it’s <em>definitely</em> the food.” You muttered, unaware that he could hear you.</p><p>    “Miya-kun! This is my best friend, remember the one I was telling you about?” </p><p>You glanced at this Miya-kun before smiling at him, and he smiled back—a bit naughty and a bit nice—before clearing his throat.</p><p>    “She ain’t lyin’,” Miya-kun said, “She speaks about ya a lot more than ya realize and,” He tilted his head toward you before saying, “I can see why.”</p><p>You blushed at his blatant attempt at flirting and heard Futaba giggle, “She’s a real cutie, isn’t she, Miya-kun?”</p><p>He merely smiled politely before placing his hands behind his back and shooting you a smile from the side. Suddenly, you felt silly, but having a handsome man indirectly admit that he thought you were attractive. You quickly gazed at the menu before trying to read the words written there, finding it a bit difficult to stare at the Japanese characters. <em>Keiji would be so disappointed in me if I up and forgot how to read! </em>You groaned before throwing your arms to the side.</p><p>    “Did you just forget how to read?” Futaba asked, her eyes wide.</p><p>    “Don’t blame me,” You grumbled, “London doesn’t really have a lot of Japanese.”</p><p>    “You were gone for two years, idiot,” She chuckled, “Can you believe her, Miya-kun? Girl’s forgotten her mother tongue. A classic case of colonialism.”</p><p>    “Futaba!” </p><p>Miya-kun chuckled before turning a page on your menu, highlighting the English menu. Since he was leaning down, his face was a few inches away and suddenly, you felt your breath quickening, your face brightening, and your heart clenching uncomfortably at the closeness.</p><p>    “Well, whaddya know?” His voice was pure silk, “We’ve got an English menu.”</p><p>He leaned away as if nothing happened before waiting patiently for you two to make your mind. You narrowed your eyes a bit before clearing your throat and looking at Miya, whose gaze was fixed on you. It was as if Futaba was suddenly absent, and it was just the two of you in the entire restaurant. Hard. That was what he looked like to you. That was what you first noticed about him: a hard, chiseled face, like that of some ancient Greek statue. </p><p>    “Miya-san,” You urged, bringing your hands together, “What do you suggest?”</p><p>It didn’t look like he was taken aback by your question, not that you were trying to. He bent down once again, and this time you were ready to not be taken off guard, and he pointed to three items—not that you were focusing on them. You were appalled by your sudden boldness, it wasn’t a characteristic you were used to seeing on you, a characteristic that had appeared out of nowhere as if Miya-kun had summoned it from thin air. Around him, you were bolder, more confident, rode on a tide you’d never dreamed of even seeing, and not only were you surprised, but you were also unafraid. </p><p>    “We’ll have item number 3?” You cocked an eyebrow at your friend who grinned back.</p><p>Miya-kun walked away and Futaba let out a breath. You pressed your lips together before hearing the girl chuckle.</p><p>    “What in the world did you learn in London? How to flirt 101?”</p><p>You scoffed before rolling your eyes. You had learned no such thing. As a matter of fact, you’d not even been dating back in London. You’d gone out on a few dates, but you didn’t know if it was the difference in culture or if you were too focused on getting back, you just couldn’t find anyone interesting. You’d seen people flirt with each other, go to pubs, do everything that most college students were expected to, but you remained a bit private. Perhaps, it was because of the awareness of this exposure did the flirting even become possible, but you weren’t quite sure what it was. It wasn’t as if you were trying to flirt either, the conversation was just flying in that direction without your control. </p><p>    “I wasn’t trying to flirt.” You admitted.</p><p>    “Yeah sure,” She scoffed, “And I’m not trying to breathe.”</p><p>When Miya-kun returned, he placed your plates with great precision, and you noticed him smirk at you when he placed a single napkin under your plate. Futaba hadn’t noticed this, and you slowly reached for the napkin and noticed that there was a black cursive written that said ‘Maybe send me a text?’ and his number written below that. You blushed before smiling to yourself, sneaking in the napkin into your clutch. You cleared your throat and looked at Futaba who was inspecting the food.</p><p>    “Miya-kun makes the best food,” She said, dreamily, “He’s like a walking steak, (y/n).”</p><p>    “Oh my God,” You hissed, “Just focus on the food!”</p><p>Once the two of you finished eating, you noticed Miya-kun walk out and take more orders; it was strange, the air around this restaurant. You noticed a lot of people coming in, bringing their laptops and some were reading. If this is a fancy restaurant, you thought, Then why are there so many casual customers?</p><p>    “This is so weird,” You muttered, “I thought you said this was a fancy place. There’s like… people working on their laptops here.”</p><p>Futaba nodded, food in her mouth. “There’s also a great coffee menu here. Look,” She pointed to the other side of the restaurant, “The outside is practically a cafe.”</p><p><em>Impressive</em>, you thought before knowing full well that you were going to come here soon, without Futaba. You thought of the napkin Miya had given you and wondered when would be the appropriate time to send a message. However, you thought of another action. Once the meal was done, you turned to spot if Miya-kun was around, but when you saw no one, you followed Futaba out of the place. It wasn’t as if you were eager about wanting to learn more about this Miya person, it was just flattering to know he was flirting with you. Being a bit isolated in London, this type of attention felt good. And especially since Miya was cute, it felt better than you’d imagined.</p><p>You found yourself going to the cafe side of the restaurant the very next day, fighting the urge to blush with everything you had. Pulling out your laptop, you looked for a paper you thought you could begin translating, just for fun, before feeling a familiar presence pop by. You looked up to find Miya-kun smiling down at you.</p><p>    “Not sure if I placed the right napkin or not, so I’m going to avoid bringing that up.”</p><p>You giggled before shaking your head, “It was the right napkin, I have your number, Miya-kun.”</p><p>    “And rejection has never been colder.”</p><p>    “No!” You pulled back after being a bit too intense, “I… I thought I’d pop by since this side was a cafe and all. Back in London, I’d dedicate my life to coffee and cafes or the library.”</p><p>    “The throes of a college student.” He nodded.</p><p>    “Well, it wasn’t all bad,” You said, casually, “Some of it was fun.”</p><p>    “I’d like to hear the fun bits,” Miya said, almost too casually, “And learn if the number thing actually worked.”</p><p>You giggled, “I will text you, Miya-kun.” You felt as if you were lying, but you ignored that feeling.</p><p>    “Call me Osamu.”</p><p>A little while later, he comes by with your coffee and sends you a smile that once again made you giggle. You’d admit it, he was charming; he was handsome. However, there was a different sort of attractive quality in Miya Osamu that confused you and allured you. He wasn't like those handsome men you see on the fashion billboards. He was handsome in a rugged way like a woodcutter with an unkempt beard or a man who just finished fixing the engine of his car, wiping his oily hands over his white flannel shirt. Like a man who knows that he has starry eyes that can bring stars closer but doesn't even bother to look. </p><p>When the time hit around 4 p.m., you look to ask for another coffee and spotted Osamu there, taking another order across your table. Somehow, he could feel you looking at him and he shot you a secret sign—an open palm that suggested you wait for a minute longer, and you giggled. It took him exactly fifteen minutes to return to your table and stand by your side.</p><p>    “Mind if I sit down?” </p><p>    “I don’t know, <em>can</em> you?”</p><p>    “I definitely <em>can</em> do a lot of things,” He said, voice dangerously low, “But, of course, a gentleman always asks.”</p><p>You rolled your eyes before gesturing him to sit and he did so. Osamu sat down, looking almost too casual in the black uniform he wore, hair looking marvelous, face looking chiseled. It was strange, to sit across someone so devastatingly handsome and feel absolutely fine.</p><p>    “I feel like I’ve seen you somewhere,” You said, narrowing your eyes, “Now that I look at you up close, it’s as if… How strange.”</p><p>Osamu rolled his eyes before letting out an almost bitter sounding chuckle that strangely bemused you. He met your gaze again and squinted a bit before asking you something very eerie.</p><p>    “You like volleyball?”</p><p>Your eyes widened, “How in the <em>world</em> did you know that?”</p><p>He laughed for a moment before shaking his head, “That’s probably why you might think I’m familiar, (l/n)-san.”</p><p>    “(y/n) is fine, Osamu-san,” You shook your head, “And what do you mean by that?”</p><p>He pulls out his phone before leaning forward and showing you a picture of two of him. Your eyes widened instantly before noticing the change in hair color, and then your eyes fell on the clothes the other Osamu was wearing, and you swore you had seen it somewhere before. <em>Wait</em>, you thought,<em> Isn’t that…?</em></p><p>    “Your twin brother plays for the MSBY Black Jackals?” </p><p>    “Yep,” Osamu said, chuckling, “I’m surprised you follow league volleyball in Japan.”</p><p>You shook your head, “This is so weird because one of my closest friends is a regular on that team!”</p><p>Osamu’s eyes widened, “No kidding.”</p><p>    “Bokuto Koutarou, Fukurodani High school. He was my classmate and close friend! He’s sent me a trillion photos of his team, and since your brother’s hair is different I couldn’t recognize you right away.”</p><p>    “That makes sense,” Osamu said, “I’m a bit glad that you aren’t after my brother.”</p><p>You blushed, “I’m sorry, what’s his name again?”</p><p>Osamu chuckled, “Miya Atsumu. Setter.”</p><p>Your heart dropped at the sudden revelation. It wasn’t that you despised setters; as a matter of fact, since two of them lead to you breaking your heart, the term ‘setter’ was oddly forlorn. You shrugged it off before Osamu could notice and tried to change the topic.</p><p>    “Wow, I’ve… I’ve never met a twin before.”</p><p>    “We’re as different as usual siblings can be, I can assure you.”</p><p>    “I’ll bet,” You said, “I like the cooking half better.”</p><p>Osamu’s eyes twinkled before he let out another chuckle, “The cooking half happens to be the better twin, after all.”</p><p>    “I’ll take your word for it, Osamu-san.” </p><p>It felt strangely exciting, flirting with someone you barely knew. Not only did Osamu happen to be a handsome stranger, but the world was also small—far too small—for it to throw someone so closely linked to volleyball toward you. You wondered how your teenage self would react to such a coincidence, often taking it upon chance to see where it guides you. However, you knew where the difference lay. Miya Osamu was attractive, charming, and had an air of confidence about him that could make anyone weak in the knees, but you had just been back, and you were not going to mistake these emotions for anything more than what they were.</p><p>A sudden excitement; anyone could give that to you. Miya Osamu just happened to be very good at it.</p><p>That evening, you texted Bokuto before willingly getting ready to meet him. Playoffs were due to start sometime next month, so that gave your pale-haired friend ample time to come out and meet you. You texted Kuroo and let him know of this, to which he sadly and regretfully called you a traitor once more. Bokuto had let you know that he’d be bringing a friend with him, and you’d agreed; if it was Bokuto’s friend, then you were sure that he’d be at least worth getting to know. You walked inside the bar you’d agreed to meet your friend in, also thinking of a chef as you made your way there. You spotted Bokuto and a dark-haired individual with a mask over his face, and he looked a bit disturbed to be there, whilst your friend energetically waved at you.</p><p>You sat across from them before noticing the masked individual move away, which made you a bit confused. Bokuto scoffed before getting up and hugging you, you chuckled before patting his back.</p><p>    “It’s been so long! This is Sakusa, he’s also a teammate.”</p><p>    “I think I remember you,” You said, “Itachiyama, right?”</p><p>Sakusa’s eyes twinkled before you noticed the corners of his mask move a bit, indicating that he was about to talk, “You went to Fukurodani, too?”</p><p>    “Yeah—“</p><p>    “She was one of our managers, Sakusa! I’m surprised you didn’t know.”</p><p>    “Bocchan,” You scolded, “Don’t interrupt.”</p><p>    “So, the team were letting us both know that our apparent rivalry—“</p><p>    “Not a rivalry.” Sakusa interjected.</p><p>    “—was heating things up and asked me to take Sakusa out for drinks! And you texted me, which gave me an even better idea. Besides, it’s not like he had any plans.”</p><p>    “Not that it would have mattered.” Sakusa said.</p><p>    “Hi, my name’s (l/n) (y/n). Nice to meet you, Sakusa-kun.”</p><p>Sakusa nodded at you before Bokuto spoke, “So, how are things? What are you doing now? Planning to become a teacher?”</p><p>    “No, I’m thinking of going into translation. I’ve been interested in Spanish for a while now, so I took a few classes and was…” You looked at Sakusa applying sanitizer on his palms. “…fascinated, so to say.”</p><p>    “Don’t be offended,” Bokuto said, laughing, “He’s a germaphobe.”</p><p>    “Not,” He shook his head, “One can’t be too careful. When there’s a global pandemic that breaks out, you’ll all be living the way I currently am. And then we’ll see who are the real germaphobes.”</p><p>    “That’s a rather bleak thought to have, Sakusa-kun.”</p><p>    “Not bleak, just a fact. Moreover,” Sakusa pulled down his mask before revealing his entire face, “I would consider it ruder to give you a cold on the first time we met.”</p><p>You were holding back a laugh. Whoever this person was, he was interesting, to say the least. You turned to Bokuto before thinking of Miya again and narrowed your eyes.</p><p>    “Say, Bocchan,” You said, “Do you know anyone named Miya—“</p><p>    “Another Atsumu fan. Great.”</p><p>You rolled your eyes at Sakusa before saying, “<em>No</em>. I met his twin brother the other day and got confused. He works at a cafe slash restaurant thing near my house.”</p><p>Sakusa pulled back his mask before turning away from you. You thought it was a bit cute. </p><p>    “Tsumu, you mean? Yeah. His twin’s a great chef.”</p><p>    “Yeah, that he is,” You agreed, “The world is so small, though.”</p><p>    “What makes you say that?”</p><p>You shrugged, “Everyone I meet is somehow connected to volleyball. I’m not complaining but it’s so weird.”</p><p>    “You think destiny has something to do with it?” Sakusa asked.</p><p>You shook your head, “No, I guess… I guess my past self would jump on the chance to pin this all on destiny. I’d just say it’s some sort of coincidence. Or, my networking skills are just plain trash.”</p><p>You couldn’t tell if Sakusa was laughing or not from the mask, but when Bokuto chuckled, you felt happy. It was always the case being around this boy, he’d ensure that anyone around him would be having a good time. You’d once heard from Akaashi that he slept with a smile on his face, which was simultaneously the sweetest and most Bokuto-esque thing you’d ever heard.</p><p>Once the meeting was done, Bokuto walked over to you when Sakusa was in the washroom. He threw an arm over you before pulling you close, confusing you all the same.</p><p>    “What do you think of Sakusa?” Your eyes widened, “He’s cute, right?”</p><p>    “Bocchan!” Your stomach flipped, “Did you… Were you trying to set us up!?”</p><p>    “Yeah! He’s pretty much a loner but deep down he’s a nice guy.”</p><p>You tilted your head before playfully slapping Bokuto on his chest. You shook your head and laughed out loud, feeling a bit stupid for not realizing it sooner.</p><p>    “Bocchan, I…” You suddenly thought of Miya, “…Now’s not a good time. I just came back, so… It’s weird.”</p><p>Bokuto nodded before releasing you. If anything, he understood how painful your breakup had been with Akaashi. You didn’t want to ask him about your ex, but Bokuto revealed nonchalantly that Akaashi was still in college, doing better than anyone had imagined, studying Japanese literature.</p><p>    "I can set you up with Akaashi again if you want."</p><p>    "Bocchan, no."</p><p>    "Then he's mine for the taking."</p><p>You rolled your eyes. You gave Bokuto a nice hug before noticing Sakusa come out. You bowed lightly at him before noticing his eyes widen.</p><p>    “I’m aware that you probably wouldn’t want to shake hands so… Let’s not?” </p><p>Whether he appreciated your gesture or not, you had no idea. You smiled at both of them before returning home on the next bus. Sitting next to a window, you pulled out your phone and noticed the newest contact you’d added earlier that evening — ‘Miya Osamu’, before feeling the urge to send him a text. You weren’t aware if this was the alcohol or just the suddenness of the entire situation that made you want to text him, but just as you were about to compose a casual response, Futaba called you.</p><p>    “Hey!” She said, “Let’s go to Miya’s restaurant tomorrow?”</p><p>You paused before finding her enthusiasm adorable, “Sure. What time?”</p><p>    “For lunch.”</p><p>Once the call ended, you’d changed your mind about texting Osamu. <em>Ah, well, I’m going to see him tomorrow anyway</em>, you thought before plugging in earphones and listening to music. The boy’s voice in the song almost melted your heart, but you had no idea if music had always done this to you.</p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>When you reached the restaurant, Futaba was already inside, talking to Osamu. You walked over there and had Osamu wave at you, while Futaba turned to you with a smile. </p><p>    “Nice to see you again, (y/n)-san,” Futaba blinked at what Osamu called you, “What will you be having today?”</p><p>    “Uh, give me a minute,” You took the menu and scanned over it, “Futaba, what’s on your mind for today?”</p><p>Almost as if she was snapped out of her senses, Futaba turned to look at the menu again. Osamu excused himself for a moment to go take an order from another table, while you two sat to decide what to eat. Your eyes kept scanning the menu, unaware that Futaba’s eyes were pinned on you.</p><p>    “So I was thinking—“</p><p>    “Do you like him?”</p><p>You blinked before putting the menu down. Futaba’s smile was gone, she looked more serious than she’d ever looked before. You knew something was wrong.</p><p>    “Like who?”</p><p>    “Miya-san.”</p><p>Your jaw dropped. You didn’t <em>like</em> him. Sure, you enjoyed speaking to him and maybe casually flirting with him, but liking him? You weren’t even sure if you thought of him that way, even though he was handsome. It wasn’t because you didn’t think he was your type, he was the first boy to show any interest in you since you came back home; it felt odd to like the first person you met. Your mind didn’t work that way, and flirting with someone did not mean liking them.</p><p>    “No?” You said, still confused by her question and where it was coming from, “Futaba, do you…?”</p><p>It had never been more obvious. Futaba looked down at the table and you smiled, a heartbreakingly sweet smile radiated at your best friend. Your heart went out to her and since you knew her quite well, you knew Futaba fell for people as rare as the blue moon. In her entire life, she’d only liked one other girl from school, and now it was Osamu. You thought it was adorable.</p><p>    “I don’t like him like that,” You admitted, “I promise.”</p><p>    “But, you talk so well together. You’re flirting all the time. And I’ve seen the way he looks at you. To me, he’s the piece of meat. To him, you’re basically bacon.”</p><p>    “The food analogies are <em>unique</em>,” You said, “But, no. Just because I flirted with him doesn’t mean I like him, Futaba. Let me be honest,” You brought your hands and placed them over hers, “He gave me his number and I did think of texting him, but…” Futaba’s eyes widened, “…I don't think I was ever going to.”</p><p>    “No,” She said, shaking her head, “That’ll be because of me. I’m sure. Please, don’t do that, (y/n)—“</p><p>    “This is my choice. I don't regret it. Also,” You scoffed, “I’m not doing this for you. Honestly, it’s been four days since he gave me his number and if in those four days I thought of texting him just once, then I don’t know… I just don’t feel the need to. Even if you hadn’t told me, and even if I had texted him, it wouldn’t have led anywhere.”</p><p>    “Why?” </p><p>You shrugged, “I just…” <em>Don’t feel a spark</em>. “…didn’t click.”</p><p>Suddenly, you were reminded of picking out the perfect avocado. Sometimes, one would look ripe, and presentable, you’d think of the myriad ways you could apply it in your salads or toasts, and then suddenly, you didn’t feel like choosing that avocado anymore. Not that it made avocados a bad fruit, only, you were certain that it wasn’t this avocado that would do the trick. With Futaba admitting her crush on Osamu, you couldn’t believe how that had led you to come to the conclusion of something that had to be obvious ever since you set foot in the restaurant. Miya Osamu, handsome and rugged as he was, wasn’t for you.</p><p>After the meal, you noticed Futaba speaking to him, and you pretended to do something on your phone. No part of you felt weird, or unhappy, as a matter of fact, Futaba’s joy brought you joy. It was odd, seeing her that way, but it wasn’t as if she had never seen you in the same light.</p><p>That evening, Futaba walks into your room unannounced. You could see that she wasn’t doing alright, you pulled her into a hug and made her sit on the bed, before noticing her wipe her tears even before they fell. You knew what she did; she had always been the type to get things off her chest as quickly as they came, not that you blamed her. This was who she was, unafraid of the world, casual and caring, a total beast when it came to emotion. You wrapped an arm around her before pulling her to your chest.</p><p>    “He apologized,” She said, chuckling, “Who apologies while rejecting someone?”</p><p>    “He’s just sweet, Futaba.”</p><p>    “You can have him now.”</p><p>    “Nope,” You laughed, “Thanks for the offer, though.”</p><p>She rolled her eyes, “Maybe your type of man is gentlemanly and a tad bit of a pushover.”</p><p>    “<em>No</em>,” You said, “It’s definitely not that.”</p><p><em>It’s setters</em>, you thought woefully.<em> But, it’s okay. </em></p><p>    “He expects you to text him if he gave you his number, you know?”</p><p>You hummed before rubbing your hand on her back, placing your chin on her shoulder. It was odd, to have this weird, wordless commitment to someone you had absolutely no feelings for, someone you knew for a fact, had no feelings for you either. In London, people did this often; they’d go out regardless of having emotions, just because the conversation was easy. However, romance involved a lot more than just casual conversation; it needed that one thing that made it stand apart from just talking. </p><p>Sure, Miya Osamu had made you giggle; made you think of yourself as someone attractive. But, not every attractive person is the one you’re destined to be with. </p><p>    “He said he’s going back to Hyogo next year,” Futaba said, “He has plans of opening an Onigiri shop.”</p><p>    “Interesting.” You say, but not really. </p><p>The next morning, you visit the cafe and spot him there. You waved at him just as he walked over to you, and cocked one eyebrow before understanding what the smile on your face meant. Letting out a chuckle, he shook his head.</p><p>    “Just so you know,” He lets out, “You’ve been bringing a lot of revenue for the cafe.”</p><p>    “I’ll keep coming,” You promised, “But, just for the coffee.”</p><p>He raised his hands and let out a laugh, “Yes, ma’am.”</p><p>    “Osamu-san,” You said, “Thank you.”</p><p>    “For getting rejected with dignity?”</p><p>You giggle, “No, for the service, you dork!” </p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>He still couldn’t believe his eyes. To see the shrimp here? In Rio? What in the world was going on? Oikawa’s risk had taken him to Argentina, and having been forced to learn a new language in just three months, the boy’s confidence had already been mostly drained. Sitting beside him as they chatted away, Oikawa’s mind continued to drift to areas he doesn’t even remember going.</p><p>    “Oika-senpai!” Hinata exclaimed with a ridiculous nickname, “Did you have a girlfriend in high school?”</p><p>    “Hm,” The brunet nodded, “She broke up with me because I paid more attention to volleyball.”</p><p>Hinata suddenly sunk in his hair, which made the older male want to laugh. However, once the beach volleyball game was over between them, the air changed—Oikawa wanted the boy to get better, a weird pride bubbled in his chest, strange catacombs of confidence that lay unpacked within him suddenly sprung to life. Oikawa stared at his once rival-school friend before feeling a wistful camaraderie form between them.</p><p>    “I hope the girl I end up dating won’t hate volleyball.” Hinata said, moping. </p><p>    “I had a girlfriend in childhood,” Oikawa said, kicking sand, “She loved volleyball. Or at least, she loved it because I did. She was…” The first girl I ever loved. “…cute.”</p><p>    “A childhood romance?! That’s so cute! Do you have a picture of her?”</p><p>Oikawa’s eyes widened. No. He did not have a picture of you. How odd this had been, indeed. He pulled out his phone before opening Instagram and typing in your name. A private account showed up, but there it was, a picture of <em>you</em> in your casual clothes. Oikawa’s stomach flipped uncomfortably. Here was the reason he had given up on love; here was the reason he had forgone everything romantic that trod toward him. Here was the ‘<em>phase</em>’ Iwaizumi had told him to get over.</p><p>And you were indeed the person he saw that day. At the airport. Within a finger’s touch. If he was alone, Oikawa was scared he’d have burst out crying.</p><p>    “She’s cute, senpai!”</p><p><em>Yeah</em>, Oikawa thought; feeling a stone lodged in his throat, <em>She is.</em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. chapter - seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Oof, the angst in this one. So, this happened to me. This is kind of a real-life situation, where I'm partly MC and partly Sakusa. I've implied that Sakusa has anxiety and OCD in this fic, and while I know it might not be true, let's just assume that for the sake of this chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>I got my hopes up again, oh no, not again</em>
    <br/>
    <em>Feels like we only go backwards, darling</em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>
  <em>•─────☾ ☽─────•</em>
</p><p> </p><p>On odd days, you could describe home as the smell of your mother’s curry breaking through your room’s door, encroaching the space you’d gathered for yourself and wistfully taking you back to Miyagi, when the world was a little less harsh and the air a bit colder. Home was the sight of your father’s back, holding Mona-chan as he took her for a walk by himself; you’d see this through your window and smile a bit before jumping in and wanting to join them. Your mother would force you to wear a sweater before running out like that, but you’d always managed to sneak past her without slippers or anything because it was an indescribably nice feeling. Home was constantly changing for you, not that you thought any less of what these were, the definition merely changed according to time.</p><p>Home now was the sound of Futaba’s soft snores when she forgets to end the call while talking to you late at night when you were huddled up in London by yourself. Home was the sight of Akaashi’s profile still being available to you, he wasn’t the type to block you just because of a life event. </p><p>Home, to you now, was the feeling of Kuroo’s arms around your shoulder, as he guided you past the airport, not having seen you for two and a half years. A month ago, you’d spent your entire time trying to heal Futaba’s broken heart over Miya Osamu, and now, Tetsu was back, running into your face that he could carry himself well in a suit. </p><p>    “Your pictures are really good,” You admitted, “But, oh my goodness. You look so smug in all of them!”</p><p>    “Yeah, a man knows he looks good.” He teased.</p><p>You rolled your eyes as you sat beside Kuroo in the cab. It wasn’t decided that you’d pick him up from the airport, but you wanted to be there. Futaba was at work, and since your job was mainly working from home, you could afford to spend two hours away. Glancing at your friend, you smile to yourself before thinking of how just having him by your side made you feel less alone. </p><p>    “What is it, creep?” Kuroo said, still staring at his phone.</p><p>You let out a giggle before shaking your head. Suddenly, your phone buzzed, revealing Bokuto’s face on it and that made you laugh out loud.</p><p>    “How did he even know?” You ask aloud, “Did you even message him?”</p><p>    “If I messaged him and he called <em>you</em>, that shows how much trust he has in me.” Tetsu said, narrowing his eyes.</p><p>Scoffing, you pick the call anyway, “Bocchan! I’m sitting right beside Tetsu.”</p><p>    “Great! Are you two coming to the game tonight? I sent you the tickets!”</p><p>    “Tell that idiot of course we are,” Tetsu scoffed, “What are those free tickets for then?”</p><p>You rolled your eyes, “Yes, Bo. We are. Can’t wait!”</p><p>    “Also,” Bokuto said, sounding a bit nervous, “Akaashi… will be there.”</p><p>Time stopped for you. As if Kuroo heard the words from beside you, he let out a sigh before shaking his head. You knew you couldn’t avoid him forever; even if he was your ex. Even if you still may have residual feelings for him, you knew most of your mind was over him. This wasn’t because Akaashi had any flaw that you had overlooked in the past, this was simply time playing its role with you and him. However it was, you were sure of one thing. You weren’t ready to meet him. Even if he felt otherwise.</p><p>    “Bocchan,” You let out, “I…” </p><p>    “Relax,” He said, “He’s coming to see the first half and he’ll be out of your hair after that because he has some assignment in college. Still a student, remember?”</p><p>You felt odd. You didn’t want to avoid him this way, but given no choice, you knew this was all you had. Would seeing his face really make you crumble? What if he asked you to be with him again? What if you started all over? You realized in London that moving on from Akaashi was actually pretty easy; however, it was staying moved on that was considerably tougher. You’d almost forgotten that Bokuto was on the other end, and only realized when Tetsu tapped on your shoulder. Clearing your throat, you thought of the right words to say</p><p>    “Alright, don’t worry. It’ll be okay.” You didn’t know if you were saying that more to yourself or your friend. </p><p>On reaching Tetsu’s house, you giggled when he spotted Kenma waiting there. Running over to give him a hug, Kenya groaned before shooting you a glare for not stopping it and hearing you laugh when he realized you’d orchestrated it. The three of you stood there, feeling at peace, before knowing full well that you’d have to get ready for the match. </p><p>    “What time is the game?”</p><p>    “It’s at 6:30, I think.” Kenma said.</p><p>Tetsu paused for a minute before turning on his heel, “Wait a minute,” Kuroo said, “Kenma, you were a setter, right?”</p><p>Your eyes widened before feeling the urge to throw Kuroo a shoe. You turned to Kenma, wanting to explain but the blond already knew where the conversation was going.</p><p>    “She’s not interested, I’m not interested. Give it a rest.” Kenma said, sighing.</p><p>That evening, you accompanied Kuroo and Kenma to the game, with your heart pounding the whole while. This would be the first time you’d be meeting Akaashi after two and a half years; him being the reason for such a split, in the first place. Not that you regretted it, you were just placed in an awkward situation of having to face your ex with whom you’d mutually ended things on a rather positive note. You weren’t aware of what you were feeling because everything felt more or less bittersweet in your mind. Loving Akaashi and being in love with Akaashi weren’t the same, but they felt like two sides of the same coin. You knew a part of you would always adore him for everything that he was, for the person that he is, and for everything he had done for you. However, was it the same as being in love with him?</p><p>Moreover, was he feeling the same for you?</p><p>On reaching the arena, the first person you saw was Bokuto. He was waiting around near the entrance like a chauffeur would before rushing to his friend and giving him a long hug. He knew Kuroo might be a tad bit jet-lagged after travel, but there was no way he’d be missing this match. Bokuto pulled away before shooting you a warm smile before it turned a bit mellow. From the side, your stomach flipped when you saw Akaashi—donning glasses and his hair almost the same, walk to Bokuto’s side before shooting you a warm smile.</p><p>You thought you were going to die. You’d realized that sometimes, you didn’t even have to move an inch or change any part of your expression. You just had to stand there, motionless, all the while putting out an ultrasonic scream like you were dying. Staring at him after two years was more painful than you’d given yourself credit for, but no part of you blamed Bokuto for it. Kuroo tapped on your shoulder, bringing you back to the arena, before guiding you inside. Akaashi was now beside you, and you were careful not to have any part of you touch his shoulder. <em>What is he thinking? What is he thinking right now?</em> You felt like you were going to vomit, but for Bokuto’s sake, you’d hold it all inside. Walking ahead, you felt as if every step was getting heavier and heavier, but the true trouble lay only forward because the bigger problem was yet to begin.</p><p>    “H-How are you?” </p><p>Akaashi’s voice was as smooth as silk; like it had always been. It’s strange because the stories you’d heard of exes in the past were all negative. Here was the exact opposite, someone you’d loved more than life itself but now you stood beside him as if you were strangers. Not even looking up at him, you nodded before struggling to find the right words.</p><p>    “I’m good, Keiji—“</p><p>You winced before hearing Akaashi shuffle. Were you an idiot? You were addressing him by his first name as if nothing had happened? What was he going to think?</p><p>    “It’s okay, (y/n),” <em>Don’t</em>. “I find it rather odd, myself.” </p><p>
  <em>Don’t do this, Akaashi. Don’t be nice. Don’t be so—</em>
</p><p>You turn to him to find him smiling at you. How in the world could you have let someone like that go? He was more than perfect, he shouldn’t exist because this was just ridiculous. </p><p>    “You know what, man?” You didn’t know what you were doing. “You’re ridiculous.”</p><p>Akaashi’s eyes widened in horror and you shook your head, “I-I mean… After our break-up, you’re still… Stop being charming, Keiji, for god’s sake!”</p><p>He let out a chuckle and for some strange reason, the tension slowly began to fade. Your stomach was still a mess, you were suddenly gassy now with everything that had happened. You noticed Kuroo and Bokuto in an animated conversation before feeling the urge to scream. </p><p>    “How was London?”</p><p>You wanted to tell him you missed him. You still missed him; every part of him. But, you knew you couldn’t. You nodded before telling him a few things, and he told you a bit about his college and learned that he was excelling in Japanese lit, as he always had. When the game was about to begin, you sat beside Kuroo who sat beside Akaashi, and waited for the match to begin. You were overly conscious of Akaashi being there, and while you struggled to watch the match, you knew nothing could distract you from the fact that your sweetheart of an ex-boyfriend was sitting one seat away from you.</p><p>Nothing except Sakusa Kiyoomi.</p><p>The ace spiker was considerably the best part of the first few minutes. Set to serve, Sakusa hit a service ace like it was the easiest thing to do. Kuroo laughed before clapping his hands, turning to you as your eyes widened at the sight. Even Bokuto’s serves weren’t as brilliant at one go, but then again, Bokuto had been a high school student the last time you’d seen him play.</p><p>    “Wasn’t Sakusa the guy Bokuto tried setting you up with?” You winced at Kuroo’s lack of sensitivity since he was the guy sitting between two people who used to date.</p><p>    “Uh…” You tried to take a peek at Akaashi but couldn’t, “Yeah.”</p><p>    “Why didn’t you continue?”</p><p><em>Are you crazy, Tetsu?!</em> You didn’t want the guy to continue talking, in fear that it would make Akaashi feel strange to even be sitting there. You wanted to strangle Kuroo for not being able to take a damn hint, and a part of you wondered if he was doing this on purpose. However, when you glanced at him, you saw that his eyes were fixed on the game; the guy didn’t even realize what he was doing. You sighed in defeat before accepting your fate.</p><p>    “(y/n),” He called out, “Why didn’t you—“</p><p>   “I don’t know,” You groaned, “I… There was this whole thing with Futaba liking this chef from this restaurant that I was flirting with, and then the weird half-date thing with Bokuto and Sakusa-kun happened, it was all too much to take in.”</p><p>    “He’s cute, you should go for it.” Kuroo said, and you desperately wanted him to stop.</p><p>You were sure that by now, Akaashi had heard at least half of that conversation. You noticed Kuroo’s gaze shift to you, a slight smirk on his face. You could feel him, staring at you with a psychotic look in his eyes, taking pleasure in your apparent suffering, using it to fuel his next move. You wanted to slap him but you knew he meant no actual harm. However, a second later, when the teams were breaking after the first set, you excused yourself and walked away from there, leaving Kuroo and Akaashi behind. You didn’t want to know if Akaashi had heard you two, you didn’t want to let him know you were doing all you could to move on. You were awkward, you were feeling suffocated, and you were unsure. The only thing that could help you was a proper conversation with Akaashi himself, but for that to happen, you needed a heart of stone.</p><p>On the way to the vending machine, you didn’t realize you were shuffling through people who were walking toward your direction. Your gaze had been faltering because your mind was clouded with thoughts, and the fact that your face was warming up was either because you hadn’t bothered to think of how hot your jacket was making you or the growing discomfort that was waddling its way from your chest to your throat. You stood in front of the vending machine and sighed, placing your forehead on the machine, closing your eyes for just a moment.</p><p>    “What the hell are you doing?” A familiar voice alerted you.</p><p>You jumped away from the vending machine with wide eyes and spotted a sweaty, MSBY-jersey clad Sakusa Kiyoomi, no mask and all. His eyes were bewildered upon spotting you glued to the vending machine as if you were long lost lovers, and you blushed at how ridiculous you must have seemed to him. You cleared your throat before narrowing your eyes, trying to think of an explanation. But, your brain had realized you’d had too much that day. No word came out of you.</p><p>Perhaps, Sakusa had noticed the distress visible on your face. Perhaps, he’d understood wordlessly that it was a person that was causing you this weird, unnoticeable pain. It was because he must have understood that he didn’t comment on it.</p><p>    “If you move,” He began, “I can get my drink.”</p><p>    “Don’t you have like managers to do that for you?”</p><p>    “I don’t trust their hands.” Sakusa said, and judging from his movements, you knew he meant every word.</p><p>He moved forward and put a coin in there to bring out his drink, a regular soda. While watching him, you noticed how tall he was—it was strange, you were around tall men all your life, and yet height differences always caught you off guard. Sakusa didn’t strangely smell like sweat. He smelt like burning wood and a strange airy smell you could smell off a moving vehicle—the emptiness of it calmed you like the silence in the woods. His movements were cautious yet smooth, carrying himself with an effortlessly flawless movement that it made you wonder if he should have been a model instead of a player. Once he got the drink, he turned to you, before blinking. He was genuinely quite attractive, and even if you had made a note of that the last time you’d seen him, this get-up was doing something else, indeed.</p><p>    “Are you okay?” He looked uncomfortable asking that. “You seem… You have the same face I’d have if I were to lose my mask.”</p><p>You chuckled before taking one step back, “Sorry,” You were far too tired to pretend that evening, “I ran into my ex. He’s very, very close to Bokuto—“</p><p>    “Akaashi?”</p><p>    “Does everyone know him now?” You rolled your eyes, tears welling in them.</p><p>    “No, Bokuto talks about him a lot, and he’s mentioned that you and…” He cleared his throat, “Never mind. Let’s not bring him up.”</p><p>    “Thank you.” You giggled, no part of you meaning the laughter that came out of your mouth.</p><p>Sakusa watched you for a moment before sighing. He knew he had a few more minutes for the set to begin, but for some reason, leaving you there felt strange. When Bokuto had tried to set him up with you, he was sure that it was some girl that was going to annoy the crap out of him by teasing him for his cleanliness affinity. But, you respected it. Even now, you took one step away because you preferred giving him his space, ensuring that no part of you came in contact with him because he didn’t have his mask on. </p><p>Whether or not you knew that Bokuto was only setting you up with him, Sakusa had enjoyed the fact that you were utterly genuine. But, he knew now that you were in more ways unattainable than he had realized.</p><p>But, that didn’t stop him. For many people didn’t realize this about Sakusa Kiyoomi, but if he wanted something, he knew it before anyone else did.</p><p>    “Without Bokuto trying this again,” He began, “Would you like to go out sometime?”</p><p>You look up at him with shock, your mouth opening a bit. You looked like a deer caught in headlights, having not expected those words to come out of Sakusa’s mouth. A part of him looked rather proud to have flustered you the way he did, but another looked a bit annoyed because you were taking too long to answer a simple question.</p><p>    “If it’s a no, I’d rather just—“</p><p>    “Whoa… Uh… Actually,” You said, breathlessly, “Uh… Yes?”</p><p>    “Oh,” There was no telling if he knew he was this inherently charming or if he was just clueless. Sakusa’s grin didn’t falter, but it didn’t grow either. “Good.”</p><p><em>Good</em>? Why had every expression on his face made it seem as if he knew you were going to say yes? He shot you a look before walking back to where you assumed was the court. Your mind was taken off Akaashi for the time being, you weren’t thinking of how big of an ass Kuroo was being, you weren’t thinking of anything except Sakusa Kiyoomi’s disastrously dangerous expression—one where it oscillated between mysterious flirt to an intimidating hottie. </p><p>When you returned to the stands, you watched Akaashi standing near the edge, looking at Bokuto’s game that was about to begin. You turned and noticed that Bokuto was about to serve, and your eyes fell on Sakusa again, who was wiping his hands with sanitizer. You giggled a bit before looking at Akaashi again. His eyes were glued to the pale-haired spiker, and your heart melted at the sight. Sure, you had been in love with him at one point, and you loved him despite everything. But, the time had moved on for you and it had moved on for Akaashi. And thus, it explained why his gaze was so curiously focused on someone else. Even if your heart felt a bit pressed at this, you couldn’t explain why you were feeling wistful happiness at the sight. This time, you walked over to him and stood beside him.</p><p>    “Hey,” You began, “Thank you.”</p><p>He didn’t know what you were thanking him for, but he looked at you before smiling. You knew this smile—it was one that he had directed at you so many times in the past. The last time he had smiled at you like this, your heart shattered. This time, your heart was finally letting go. </p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa Kiyoomi had strange ways about him. In profile, with his mouth turned into a frown, he was stunning. His casual slouch pulled his clothing taut, drawing attention to the body beneath. As he toyed with the edge of his mask in restless agitation, you couldn’t help but notice the strength and dexterity in those hands and wonder what they might feel like on skin, instead of cloth. You’d never understood until that moment why girls insisted on adding an extra ’t’ at the end of the word ‘hot’. This guy was extra-t-worthy.</p><p>The first time Sakusa and you went out on a date, he’d come wearing a mask, a black MSBY jacket, and a callous expression on his face; he’d brought along his nonchalance for good measure because there were only a few things Sakusa could discard back at his apartment. However, when his eyes landed on you, they turned darker, more mischievous, as if hiding was no longer required. This time, you didn’t feel like a deer caught in headlights, it was more of a spiderweb situation. </p><p>    “I didn’t take you for a fancy restaurant guy,” You said, sitting across him, “Or is it because they probably sanitize better here?”</p><p>    “Is that an attempt at mocking at my preferences?” </p><p>You shook your head, “Of course not,” You pulled out a small sanitizer from your purse, “I might not look it, but this has been a very casual thing since London.”</p><p>His eyes twinkled, but Sakusa wasn’t one to be easily impressed. Conversation with you could go on casually, marvelously, and he could still feel empty but oddly, the first time he’d seen you, he’d known things may be different. He wasn’t always vocal, but when he had to be, he found his adult self finding it a lot easier to exert that side of him. You surprisingly made it unchallenging.</p><p>    “Congratulations on the win yesterday.” You commented, grinning cheekily.</p><p>Sakusa rolled his eyes, “Thank you,” He said, his voice dripping like velvet, “But surely, having Bokuto in the team is a miracle, right?”</p><p>You laughed, half wondering if this was a joke. Sakusa’s humor must have been dry, you couldn’t tell. He hadn’t pulled down his mask despite being inside the restaurant, and when the food arrived, he’d just slip it down his chin, giving you the impression that he was eventually going to pull it back up. It wasn’t that you didn’t understand this about him, it was a personality thing. If he was comfortable wearing a mask then so be it, you thought; it wasn’t odd, it was just something you weren’t used to. But, then again, the last time there was a flu outbreak in London, you remembered walking around in a mask too.</p><p>    “Come on,” He urged, shocking you, “I know you want to ask.”</p><p>    “Ask what?”</p><p>Maybe, it was because you sounded genuinely clueless that his eyes widened at you. You tilted your head, wondering if you’d said anything offensive. </p><p>    “About the mask.”</p><p>You made an ‘o’ with your mouth before nodding awkwardly, “I didn’t have a question, really? I just understand I guess.”</p><p>    “You’re weird.”</p><p>    “Wow, thanks. You’re the one who asked me out, though.”</p><p>Sakusa shook his head, his eyes crinkling at the side; maybe that was because he was smiling, you’d never know. While no part of him regretted asking you out, he knew that this delight was going to come to an end when you’d learn of his other pet peeves. Sakusa had always been wary of relationships because the last time he’d even remotely come close to being in one, he’d been told that relationships involved touching—touching barehanded, touching lip to lip, and not to mention, adult relationships would involve a lot more touching than high school. </p><p>The thought made him queasy, but this had nothing to do with his OCD. He knew that putting all of that on you would be unfair, so he held back for now. Watching you, living and breathing in your element as if no part of him bothered you, made him restless only because he was sure this was going to drop. After all, everything that goes up eventually comes crashing down. </p><p>After dinner, Sakusa guided you outside where he knew he’d have to watch the disappointment land in your face when he’d reject a hug you’d attempt giving him or worse; he was embracing himself for failure even before it had happened—and now he was more than certain that even asking you out had been a mistake. Having begun therapy late in his life, Sakusa knew that there were things beyond his control and if you chose to not see him again, then that would be one such thing. His eyes landed on you, as you stood a few steps away from him, before turning to him with a sweet smile. His brain told him, Here it comes, but what came was a simple wave from your end.</p><p>    “Today was actually very nice,” Why did you sound so earnest? “I know this would be too forward of me, but… I’d like to do this again sometime.”</p><p>Were you an idiot? You were a friend of Bokuto’s, so that had to be the case. Sakusa was glad that you couldn’t see the rest of his flaming face, but at the same time, he felt overwhelmed because he wanted to know he was smiling at you.</p><p>    “I’d be wearing a mask again.” He said, cautiously, half expecting if you’d take back your words.</p><p>But, when you giggled and said, “Looking forward to it!” Sakusa was floored. There it was again, the sudden urge to touch you, not because you were forcing it. It was simply because you were just allowing him to be himself and that strangely scared him. For years, he’d wondered what this would feel like and how belonged he would feel if it happened, but when it actually happened, Sakusa cursed at himself for feeling punished. </p><p>You walked to the station with a light heart that evening, but when Sakusa sent you a message saying he enjoyed the evening too, you wanted to scream. How in the world had this date gone so well? You were more than surprised to find yourself just talking to him, unlike any version of your past self would have done, and it was strange how his eyes kept trailing you, letting you know he was listening to every word that fell off your mouth. Being yourself around Sakusa was easy not because he was understanding or easygoing, in all fairness, he was none of those things; being yourself around Sakusa was easy only because he was being himself. It was a fair deal, and that made you feel respected. </p><p>However, it was two days later did your heart start wondering if you were putting the word ‘easy’ on a pedestal. You’d gotten a translation assignment due that week, but since it was 7 pages long, you knew you could do it easily. It was a short story that had to be published in a college newsletter, and you were more than glad to do it. However, when you noticed a text from Sakusa that afternoon, you replied in less than two minutes, expecting him to answer back in a bit. You continued with your assignment for four more hours, almost forgetting that he hadn’t replied to you. When you picked your phone up again and noticed that your message had a ‘read’ under it, and the time indicated he’d seen it hours ago, you felt a mild panic. <em>He’s probably busy</em>, you knew he would be. He was a volleyball player, after all. However, you knew Bokuto had said that day was their day off. The more you overthought, the more you wondered if you were the only one feeling this way. After all, you had been the one to suggest seeing him again.</p><p>You rubbed your hands over your face and groaned in displeasure. <em>I am such an idiot</em>, you thought before lying back on your bed, letting out a tired sigh. </p><p>It was an evening later did Sakusa reply. You almost called yourself a fool for instantly opening the message, but what was the harm? You weren’t a volleyball player, you weren’t as stressfully busy as Sakusa was, it didn’t matter if you responded early. You were just being courteous. </p><p>
  <em><strong>Sakusa</strong>: Sorry, I was held up with things.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em><strong>You</strong>: Don’t worry about it. I was buried under translation work too.</em>
</p><p>You groaned. Why did you feel the need to tell him you were busy too if you were going to respond to him just as quickly? Internally slapping yourself, you noticed Sakusa continue typing. The time was close to 12 a.m., and you would be lying if you said you weren’t sleepy because you had worked all day, waiting for a break. But, it was okay. Maybe, now was the only time Sakusa was free.</p><p>
  <em><strong>Sakusa</strong>: You have to tell me more about the work you do. Sounds interesting.</em>
</p><p><em>Yeah, it’s sitting beside a computer… </em>Just as you were typing, you noticed another message pop up that Sakusa had sent. Your heart jumped at what it said.</p><p>
  <em><strong>Sakusa</strong>: Over dinner? Tomorrow?</em>
</p><p>You bit your lower lip before closing your eyes and squealing internally. No part of your mind now doubted Sakusa for being busy, because he was asking you out again. Your face was flushed and despite Sakusa not being in the room, you wondered why his texts were just so powerful. Perhaps, it had more to do with his quiet personality and how heavy his words were—a rather staunch difference from how Akaashi would text you. But, you weren’t going to compare even if your mind jumped to doing so without control.</p><p>You didn’t <em>like</em> Sakusa; there were no feelings involved. It was just that you found him attractive, and there was definitely something between you two that made you want to keep seeing him. You couldn’t tell if it was the way his eyes spoke to you, or his inherent playfulness despite thinking he wasn’t. </p><p>The next evening, you noticed Sakusa standing there just as you arrived. Half of your mind screamed at you, wondering if you were late but you were five minutes early. You blinked at him, making sure not to get too close, something Sakusa noticed but didn’t comment on. </p><p>    “I guess we’re both early?” You asked.</p><p>    “Oh,” Sakusa’s hands were in his pockets, “Yeah. I always come early to avoid traffic. It’s… It’s better than being late.”</p><p>You agreed. You waited to let Sakusa guide you inside. This time, you two were in a cafe, by your decision. It was one of your favorite places to go, and this was <em>not</em> the one where Osamu worked. Sakusa sat across from you, taking in the ambiance of the place before turning to you with his eyebrows raised. </p><p>    “Is that a Sakusa approval or…?”</p><p>    “It’s definitely an approval.” He said, eyes crinkling in the side again.</p><p>When you let out a chuckle, he looked at you questioningly. He wanted to know why you had laughed; did he say something stupid? Did he say something funny? He wanted to know what it was so that he could either repeat or avoid saying it in the future. However, when no part of your reaction felt anxiety-inducing, Sakusa let it go. He could feel his heart palpitating uncomfortably, but he remembered taking his anxiety medication just an hour ago before getting here. </p><p>    “Okay,” You suddenly say, “I’ll tap this table twice when I want to know what’s under your mask, okay?”</p><p>    “There’s a mouth under my mask, (l/n).” </p><p>You nodded to yourself. Sakusa’s humor was dry, indeed. </p><p>    “No,” You urged, “I want to know if you’re smiling or frowning so that I’ll know what to say and what not to. I don’t want to be an idiot in front of you.”</p><p>    “You…” You heard him clear his throat, “You’re not an idiot.”</p><p>You rolled your eyes, “Well, I’m not an idiot when there’s just me, Sakusa-kun.”</p><p>When his eyes crinkled at the side, you took a breath before tapping twice against the table. You felt something shift in the air; his eyes were now on you, and his eyes were heavy, laden with an emotion you couldn’t quite understand, but no part of you wanted to push it away. You couldn’t understand why his eyes looked heavy yet sad—an eerie feeling because you found yourself understanding it. It was as if there was something Sakusa was in search of, something he strove for, despite being at the top of his career. You wondered if you liked the look in his eye because you found yourself being reflected in them.</p><p>Slowly, Sakusa used his left hand’s index finger to pull down his mask, revealing an almost shy smile. Your eyes widened and your heart jumped at the sight—he wasn’t looking at you not because he was too shy, but because looking at you would simultaneously combust him and you’d understand that it was not you who was the idiot.</p><p>After dinner, you walked beside Sakusa and noticed that despite the distance you had initially put between you, his shoulder was slowly touching yours. You didn’t want to push him, so you pretended not to notice, but how could you not react when his hand slipped into yours?</p><p>You let out a strong gasp before feeling his hand slip away just as quickly as it touched yours, and he buried them into his pockets before digging for sanitizer. You felt your heart drop and you knew you needed to mend this quickly.</p><p>    “Sakusa-kun—“</p><p>    “Relax, I know. I did that without warning.”</p><p>    “No, listen,” You spoke calmly, “I’d love to hold hands.”</p><p>He looked at you as if you were asking him something he couldn’t possibly deliver. You pressed your lips together before looking at him pleadingly. </p><p>    “Only…” You spoke slowly, “Only if you want to.”</p><p>Without warning, Sakusa pulled down his mask and looked at you. Something about his gaze made you weak in the knees.</p><p>    “Oh, (l/n),” He said, chuckling to himself, wiping the sanitizer all over his hands, “I want to do more than just hold your hand.” </p><p>You couldn't stop staring at his mouth when he spoke. You bet internally that he knew how to kiss. Perfect kisses too, ones that weren't wet and gross, but the kind that curled toes. You needed to stop looking at him in general. </p><p>    “Why don’t you?” You asked, a bit too eager. </p><p>You could feel your heart escalate with every word you spoke. You didn’t understand this feeling; strange desperation with an almost stranger. </p><p>    “I can’t,” He said, shaking his head, pulling his mask back on, “I… I can’t.”</p><p>You stepped back almost instinctively, before hugging yourself. You looked down at your feet before wondering if there was something that bothered him about you or if this was how he was in general. Was there something he wasn’t telling you about himself? Was something wrong? You wanted to know all of these things but there seemed to be a wall over him that you weren’t sure you could climb. You looked back at him and noticed his eyes staring at you, and you smiled. Because, what else could you do?</p><p>You were starting to like him more than you wanted to. And it didn’t matter if it was just two and a half dates.</p><p>    “It’s okay, Sakusa-kun,” You said, and his eyes widened slowly, “Slowly does it, then.”</p><p>He didn’t know if he hated you or adored you; rejection had always been easier for him to handle because that was what his mind expected. With you, everything was new. Everything was an area he had not been to before, and while every aspect of this was exciting and brilliant, it was just as terrifying and suffocating. </p><p>Sakusa sent you a message after walking you to the train station. He wanted to kiss you; he wanted to touch you, feel your skin against his, and while his therapist told him that there was nothing wrong in indulging sometimes, Sakusa was scared. Every part of him screamed at him to stick to the one thing he knew how to follow and change had been a nasty reminder that there were areas Sakusa could never go to. His therapist had also told him that choosing his own comfort wasn’t wrong, but if it went against possible changes that he might end up liking in the future, then he’s only restricting himself. You made him want to try; you made him want to do more. </p><p>But, being around you made him anxious. He wasn’t sure where he was heading.</p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa doesn’t like looking at his phone. It wasn’t because of anything, just that the light made him feel anxious. He’d once read an article that phones were cesspools of bacteria and that merely touching one could bring about a lot of diseases, and sanitizing phones weren’t always an option. He kept one on him because it was necessary, but Sakusa despised how his generation was so addicted to communicating using such a dirty device. But, it was the one device that connected you to him and he hated himself for just seeing your messages and not replying.</p><p>He wondered if you thought less of yourself when he left you on read. He wondered if you strangely understood that he hated phones. He wondered how you’d respond if he told you that phones made him anxious. He wondered if he could tell you he goes to therapy on worst days and on bad days, he’d lock himself in his room if he had the chance. </p><p>Fear stopped him from wondering any further.</p><p>Four days went by with no text from Sakusa. He’d left you on read, and you were now slowly getting accustomed to the fact that he’d contact you only when he wanted to. It felt wrong, almost, that he made you feel this way. But, perhaps, he had a reason? </p><p>
  <em><strong>Futaba</strong>: What reason could he have to leave you on read for 4 days????? </em>
</p><p>While you agreed with Futaba, a part of you wondered if you were missing something. This was the case with most people, however. One wouldn’t normally think of mental health being a reason as to why people never responded. Ghosting was a common term, but with text communication becoming so naturalized, it was almost as if one were invalid if they depended on an older method to stay consistent. In a digital age, people like Sakusa struggled not only because of their own anxieties but also because they were lacking in now normalized social formalities. It was no one’s fault; not yours for wondering if he was avoiding you, and not Sakusa’s for feeling the way he was feeling. Yet, sometimes, wavelengths don’t match not because they are different. They could be the same and there’d be a whole set of reasons keeping them apart.</p><p>That evening, you decided to send Sakusa a message instead. Biting down your tongue and swallowing whatever it was that had prevented you from doing this earlier, you type down a message.</p><p>
  <em><strong>You</strong>: Hey? Is everything okay? Bocchan told me you have a game tomorrow so I was wondering if you were held up in practice?</em>
</p><p>To your surprise, Sakusa responded immediately.</p><p>
  <em><strong>Sakusa</strong>: I’m sorry. I know I saw your message and didn’t reply. I don’t want to give you an excuse.</em>
</p><p>You weren’t sure if you could feel glad or weird that he was accepting what he had done. Did it help that he was openly saying it? He continued to write more.</p><p>
  <em><strong>Sakusa</strong>: Will you come watch the game tomorrow? I know you had a submission today. I’m sorry I didn’t ask how that went. I hope it went well.</em>
</p><p>There were more texts.</p><p>
  <em><strong>Sakusa</strong>: And maybe after the game we can grab some dinner.</em>
</p><p>You found yourself smiling, wanting to understand this behavior. You’d once learned from Akaashi’s bad day that looking at his phone made him angrier. He’d researched on why that was. Apparently, the light of the phone tended to make your eyes dry, and that would irritate you whether you’d know or not. </p><p>
  <em><strong>You</strong>: Would calling me be easier, Sakusa-kun?</em>
</p><p>For a whole two hours, he’d left you on read. However, right on the two hour mark, Sakusa called you.</p><p>    “Hey,” You heard him sound almost breathless, “Yes.”</p><p>    “Yes?”</p><p>    “Calling makes it easier.”</p><p>It was a silent victory. You didn’t know what was up, but you felt as if you were slowly getting there.</p><p>After the game, Sakusa and you walked beside each other. His shoulder was touching yours and his hand was dangerously close to yours. Your heart was beating rapidly, and despite how you dreaded having almost reached the station, you froze when Sakusa paused. You turned to him and he pulled down his mask before staring at the ground. He was truly a very attractive man, you wouldn’t say anything in edgewise to that. However, when he turned to look at you with his mask pulled down, no word could come close to describing how he looked like.</p><p>If there was a word for taking your breath away, then that had to be it.</p><p>He asked through his eyes if it was okay, and you stood there; nodding mentally. His hands went to your cheeks, almost ghosting over them because he was either too afraid to touch you or too disgusted, you don’t know. You closed your eyes slowly when he leaned forward and kissed you, knowing full well that he would be exchanging bacteria with you, but that didn’t matter. Sakusa kissed you like he wasn’t even holding back, his eyes closed, his heart accelerating, and you kissed back because the wait was worth it. Your hands were limp by your side and you felt one of Sakusa’s hands reach down and grasp yours, before pressing his lips further into yours. He tilted his head to get a better angle in kissing you, and no part of it felt strange.</p><p>When he pulled away, he quickly pulled the mask over him and he reached for the sanitizer before being floored once again when you handed it to him instead. He took it wordlessly before silently thanking you with a nod.</p><p>That night, you dreamt of Sakusa. That night, you told Futaba that you liked him. </p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>The next MSBY match was in two hours. You’d not received a single text from Sakusa; and while a part of you knew that this was normal with him, you wondered why he hadn’t even called. It had been close to a week now, and with Futaba constantly telling you that you could call him just to ask, you didn’t want to breach the newfound comfort you’d built with him. No part of you was scared, no part of you worried. You knew that this was how Sakusa was, and this didn’t mean he was ghosting you. </p><p>During the match, you watched him play and cheered for him and Bokuto. Kuroo had a new job that he had to focus on, and Kenma was busy with CEO work; now that Bokuto and Akaashi were seeing each other, you’d occasionally see Akaashi come by but even he was busy with college. Once the game was over, you rushed over to the court area and found Bokuto and the rest of the team there, you shot an awkward wave at Atsumu, Osamu’s twin, after being introduced to him awkwardly a few weeks ago.</p><p>    “(y/n)!” Bokuto yelled before running toward you and you put out both hands to stop him.</p><p>    “Do not hug me when you’re all sweaty, oh my God!” </p><p>Bokuto suddenly stopped before pouting, “Akaashi lets me.”</p><p>    “Keiji has no choice,” You scolded, “Where’s… Where’s Sakusa-kun?”</p><p>Bokuto shot you a strange look, “He must have gone home. He never stays back. Why?”</p><p><em>Why</em>? You felt a bit breathless. Weren’t you and Sakusa dating? Hadn’t he told the team? You froze when you realized the possibility of Sakusa having kept this a secret. And this only confused you when you realized you hadn’t even told Bokuto. </p><p>It was because you’d assumed he’d know. From Sakusa.</p><p>    “Uh,” You felt your face getting warmer, “Nothing just… He wasn’t here.”</p><p>    “Yeah,” Bokuto rubbed the back of his neck, “Tried setting him up with another girl the other day, he bailed. He really isn’t interested, I think.”</p><p>You didn’t know what to feel. You stared at Bokuto before wondering if he was joking, but even for a joke, this wasn’t too funny. Was nausea a manifestation of grief? You wouldn’t know. You excused yourself before getting out of there, blinking away the fresh tears that came your way. When you reached home, you texted Futaba that whatever it was between you and Sakusa was over, and when she exclaimed that she was on the way to your house immediately, bringing Kenma along for a night of gaming and ice cream, you didn’t even stop her.</p><p>You wouldn’t know a lot of things. You wouldn’t know that the thought of you made Sakusa so anxious that he was having consistent bad days that slowly began to affect his practice. The kiss caused Sakusa to relapse, sending him to places he thought he’d never go back to. You wouldn’t know that Sakusa buried himself with guilt almost every night for not being able to tell you, and no part of him wanted to stop you from hating him. To you, he’d remain the jerk that ghosted you. To you, he’d remain a dick that treated you wrong.</p><p>No one really thought about mental health being an issue.</p><p>So, imagine his surprise when you called him the next morning and imagine his surprise when he voluntarily picked it up.</p><p>    “I guess you couldn’t make it work?” You didn’t sound disappointed, but your voice rarely betrayed the heavy emotions that you wanted to conceal.</p><p>    “I’m sorry,” He said. “I…” </p><p>This time, he understood the need for texting. He ended the call before typing a message. He would never know that you were shaking on the other end, and you would never know that he was heartbroken.</p><p>
  <em><strong>Sakusa</strong>: I have severe OCD. I struggle with it every day. Coming close to liking you was the best part of my life so far. I’m sorry, but I can’t go any further. You can hate me, I understand. </em>
</p><p>
  <em><strong>You</strong>: Sakusa-kun, I wish you all the best.</em>
</p><p>And this time, you sent him more than one message.</p><p>
  <em><strong>You</strong>: And I don’t hate you. Don’t think I ever will. My favourite ace spiker, after all.</em>
</p><p>You wouldn’t know that Sakusa came close to crying that night. He wouldn’t know that you’d already shed a few tears. But, what you both did know was that sometimes, mutual feelings didn’t always do the trick. Romances that end well weren't all that romances were. Mediocrity lay in the very foundation of finding what is lost with no effort. Far too many things were mediocre in life; love was just not one of them.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. chapter - eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Mentions of alcohol and MC getting drunk!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The song mentioned here is "Daisy" by Stereo Dive Foundation.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>Painting a tomorrow different from the past,</em>
    <br/>
    <em>Painting hope for just the two of us, there's the start line.</em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <em>•─────☾ ☽─────•</em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>On his best days, Oikawa Tooru could easily ignore the gnawing voice inside his mind that constantly reminded him of how lonely he felt. It was a reminder that set off in his mind whenever he met someone new, but Tooru didn’t want to meet new people anymore. Growing up an extrovert, he realized that it was easier when things were comfortable around him. Now, in Sao Juan, Oikawa Tooru was the stranger, he was the new guy. The new addition to his name blinded him and made him realize that his own extroversion came with insecurity that could very well muffle his entire being. And with that came the realization that he was growing tired of touching people with his hands, and the yearning to touch them with his hearts was born.</p><p>Volleyball saved his life, practically speaking but now Tooru had a reminder that he was alone. Some of his teammates had girlfriends, boyfriends, significant others, and when he went home to an empty apartment in a strange land, stalking the profiles of women and men he’d been with in the past, Oikawa could blankly stare at his life fall apart and come to the realization that loneliness, while suffocating, was his constant. </p><p>The combination of loneliness, however, when mixed with alcohol can be rather interesting for an onlooker but devastating if he were the one feeling it. That one night, after a victory, the perfect setter as they had come upon calling him, was severely drunk; he struggled to sit in his friend’s car as they drove him back to his apartment and while they couldn’t understand the mumbling gibberish that he uttered in broken Japanese and Spanish, they caught one name that apparently stood out because he had been saying it a lot.</p><p>
  <em>(y/n).</em>
</p><p>There was no reason to keeping saying your name like a mantra that night, but he was drunk, and the only person he had ever given his heart to had been you. The only person who didn’t treat his obsession with volleyball as some sort of rival, the only person who had listened to him just as they had promised. And even though it had been close to ten years since he had last seen you, the only reason his heart yearned for the idea of you was since that was when he had truly been at home. When his friend/teammate dropped him off at home, he missed the look in Oikawa’s eye, a look that determined either sadness or defeat, and since Oikawa had given up crying a long time ago, this was all he could do.</p><p>Lying on his bed, he pulled his phone out of his pocket before entering your name on Instagram again. The time in Sao Juan was 12:42 a.m., and he knew by heart that the time difference would mean it was close to 1:30 p.m. in the afternoon in Tokyo. Hyperventilating just a little bit, he swallowed every thought that had prevented him from doing this before, and pressed on ‘follow’. </p><p>
  <em>I’ll always listen to you, Tooru-kun. </em>
</p><p>You didn’t see the follow request in time because Oikawa Tooru’s sleep had consumed him. He learned the intricacy of loneliness: the horror of color, the roar of soundlessness, and the menace of familiar objects lying still. </p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>For you, time was passing at a snail’s pace. Regret flushed through your system every night as you stared at Sakusa’s messages from the past. You’d learned from Bokuto that he had missed the last game because he was unwell—apparently, he caught a cold or something, which was unusual because of his precautions. However it was, you learned that his precautions merely existed because he fell sick easily. You wondered if you could still convince him on giving you another chance. Maybe you hadn’t tried enough. Maybe, if you had been more patient, he’d have tried with you. The thought of being so utterly alone despite having found someone like Sakusa scared you because he was genuinely a good person. And good people were apparently rare in a world so cold.</p><p>That morning, you woke up feeling your entire body drag you down. It was cold, the winter in Tokyo was almost unforgiving. It had been close to a month since Sakusa and you had ended things in that organic manner, but that didn’t mean you stopped going to watch their games. You occasionally noticed Sakusa looking at the stands, but as awkward as things were, he was always the first to look away pretending to not have seen you. It was better this way, your mind told you; because if he had smiled at you, it would have hurt you more.</p><p>Tetsu had sent you a message earlier saying he’d pick you up for the game that evening. It had become a ritual that you’d go to almost every match, not only because Bokuto was a friend but because some part of you genuinely supported the MSBY team with all your heart. Getting dressed felt like a chore, but this was your mind trying to pull you down. So what if you were single and 22 years old? So what if you didn’t have someone to call your own? Weren’t you genuinely trying to be a more individualistic person? Wasn’t this your path to find yourself? </p><p>What you didn’t realize that in this journey to completely accept being by yourself, feeling lonely was a sick feeling to have, but all the more important to feel. It is only now can you allow yourself to grow, because if you settled for someone just because you were lonely, then you will never know what love actually is. Finding someone just because your heart yearned for companionship was the same as shopping when your closet is full. There is no room for love and loneliness to thrive healthily, and there is no such thing as blossoming out of adversity. It is all a very gritty process, never meant to be easy, but at the same time, we are not meant to cave.</p><p>    “Futaba?” You answered her call within a second’s ring.</p><p>    “We’re going out tonight.”</p><p>    “There’s Bocchan’s match—“</p><p>    “After the match. It ends at 8, we’re going out. There’s a live band playing at this club, and you are coming with me.”</p><p>You wanted to decline right away. Clubs and loud music were not your cups of tea. As infuriating as it made you to just listen to Futaba go on about how it’d do you good if you just simply let loose for a night, you didn’t want to. It was stupid for your mind to think you were in love with Sakusa, but at the same time, you could as easily have been in love with him either way. There was no right way to define it, but what you were feeling right then was a yearning that only a person could fill.</p><p>But, you didn’t want it to be Futaba because whether you realized it or not, you were taking her and Tetsu for granted. It was not because they were your friends and would always love you, you inherently took them for granted because they were always there. Other companionships in your life had been eroding slowly, starting from Oikawa to Akaashi to Sakusa, and because Tetsu and Futaba stayed, your mind refused to acknowledge them when you were feeling down.</p><p>That did not, however, mean Futaba would give up. She wasn’t known to do so.</p><p>     “I know you’re about to say no,” She said, “But you’re coming and I am not taking no for an answer.”</p><p>You felt angry, but there was no need to tell her anything. You made sure to end the call before mentally deciding not to go; you’d go to the match, and head straight home and not pick her calls even if she calls you ten times, twenty times. A part of you knew you weren’t doing the right thing, but she needed to understand your need for space especially after having gone through something earlier as you had. </p><p>When you reached the game, you spotted Akaashi sitting at the seat that was near yours. Kuroo and you greeted him before joining him there, and you found yourself feeling awkward again. Things had been relatively normal with you and Akaashi in the past month, but now, with your thoughts growing the way they were, seeing him so in love with your other best friend made things worse. Bokuto could have easily been Akaashi’s high school sweetheart, but he wasn’t. Yet, the actual high school sweetheart sat beside the boy in question, almost a stranger. </p><p>     “Is something wrong?” Keiji asked, blinking at you.</p><p><em>It’s not fair that he still knows all the cues to my mind</em>, “Nothing, I just didn’t sleep too well.” You lied.</p><p>Keiji knew you were lying, but the two of you had crossed boundaries in the past that made him ultimately give up on encroaching your personal space for more answers. He wouldn’t deny it, he loved you, and he always would—but, even he understood that there were certain things he couldn’t do anymore, even if he was a friend. You shook your head before turning to spot Kuroo staring at you from the corner of his eye. You wondered what his deal was. </p><p>     “What’s wrong?”</p><p>     “You tell me.” He said, clearly not happy with you for some reason.</p><p>     “What do you mean?” You were easily triggered, but you felt odd for feeling so snappy.</p><p>Kuroo shrugged before shaking his head and turning his attention back on the game. You turned to the game, but all you could think of was Kuroo’s cold stare. What is his problem? You thought, eyes narrowing; it felt odd that he made you feel as if you were the one at fault. <em>How odd</em>, you thought, <em>I’m the one who’s feeling like crap and here he is, not being supportive, not helping but instead guilt-tripping me for feeling the way I am!</em> You shut your eyes before knowing that you were about to explode, however, before that happened, you quickly got up before rushing out. Keiji watched as you left, before turning to Tetsuroo.</p><p>     “She—“</p><p>     “I know.” Tetsuroo sighed before getting up to follow after you.</p><p>You rushed toward the main corridor outside the stadium before breathing out heavily. Your mind became clouded way too quickly just as you heard Tetsuroo’s footsteps catch up with you. You felt your anger fighting to be released, inching its way closer and closer to your throat in the form of a bloodcurdling scream that you were most definitely not going to let out. You wanted to break something—the pain you began to feel in your chest was unbelievable. You shut your eyes tight and tried to resist the temptation to scream, but Kuroo snapped you out of it.</p><p>     “So, are you going to tell me what’s going on or are you going to be this mopey, whiny person forever?”</p><p>You looked at him with rage-filled eyes before snapping, “Oh? And you don’t understand that I need my space and with you constantly trying to dig under my skin it just gets harder and harder to breathe—“</p><p>     “(y/n), I’m trying to be a listening ear—“</p><p>     “Have you ever given the thought of how I don’t want to talk about it!?”</p><p>Kuroo’s face looked dangerous when infuriated, “Bottling it up is going to make you unbearable, (y/n). Look at yourself. Can you even recognize the person that you are right now?”</p><p>     “What’s it to you?” You snapped, aggressively.</p><p>Tetsuroo’s eyes widened at your question, “What’s… What’s it to <em>me</em>?” He clenched his fists at his side before shaking his head in disbelief, “You haven’t received my calls for days until this morning because it was about the game. You don’t talk to me about <em>anything</em>. You practically shut yourself in your room, not willing to see Futaba or me. And you’re asking me what’s it to me that you’re acting this way? Bold of me to assume that we’re good friends, then,” You felt your heart shatter at his words, “You know what? Since you’re so adept at working things out and figuring out your problems, then count me out. I <em>tried</em>, (y/n), I tried to help. Since you don’t want it, great. I hope Futaba has better success than I did.”</p><p>When he began to walk away, leaving you there, your eyes widened before your mind screamed. You pressed your hand to your mouth before narrowing your eyes a bit. <em>Why am I acting like this?</em> You asked, but you didn’t know why. You wouldn’t know why as no one would when they’re being improbable. Sometimes, stress manifests in the strangest ways and it manifests for the strangest reasons. </p><p>You were missing someone you didn’t even know yet, and that was where everything began. </p><p>When you walked out of the court, you found Futaba there, dressed too elegantly to have shown up at a stadium. Upon seeing her, right after the fight with Kuroo, you didn’t feel like saying no. I hope Futaba has better success than I did, you felt your lip quiver before walking over to her, no thought in mind.</p><p>     “I have to get ready,” You said, voice breaking, “Let’s go.”</p><p>That night, you didn’t know if Futaba knew you and Kuroo had fought. She didn’t voice it, but something told you that Kuroo was the reason she was waiting there that early. You knew your friends loved you, and you knew while this fight with Kuroo scared you, making up with him would eventually mend everything; it wasn’t as if you two had never fought before, the very foundation of your relationship began with fighting, after all. The club was called ‘Morse Code’, and although it was a strange name for a club, the live band that was performing was one of Futaba’s personal favourites. She knew the drummer in the band, the woman she spoke of was Futaba’s college mate. </p><p>     “We’re going to get drunk tonight,” Futaba warned, “So, I need you go let everything out.”</p><p>You chuckled before shaking your head, wondering if this was even the right thing to do. Sure, you were heartbroken over Sakusa, but was this okay? Was drowning your sorrows in alcohol the right thing to do?</p><p>     “(y/n),” Futaba said, ordering six shots and turning to you, “Stop mulling over whether it’s the right thing or not. Sometimes, the right thing isn’t the best thing.”</p><p>You stared at her as she took one shot after another, and expected you to do the same. You shook your head before letting out a laugh and following after her, hating the taste of the liquid in your tongue, but wincing at the feeling it left behind. You turned to your friend a second later before giggling heavily, Futaba following closely behind. The two of you ordered two more beers before sitting near the bartender, focused only on each other.</p><p>     “I should have tried harder, Futaba,” You said, staring at your beer, “With Sakusa-kun.”</p><p>     “What do you mean?”</p><p>You shrugged, “Maybe I could have helped.”</p><p>When you heard Futaba scoff at you, you were mildly offended, “Sorry to burst your bubble, (y/n), but if you think you’re one of those saints that can heal a person’s mental illness by just being around them, then I’m sorry to break it to you, that’s <em>not</em> how it works.”</p><p>     “So, you’re saying this was doomed to fail?”</p><p>     “No,” She took a sip, “I’m saying it’s not your fault.”</p><p>     “Futaba—“</p><p>    “I’m <em>saying</em>, what happened isn’t his fault and it isn’t yours. Stop blaming yourself for not letting it work out. Sure, he’s a great guy. But that doesn’t mean you’re any less. This was a situation that showed you love when you least expected it; as love is supposed to show itself. Stop trying to think you can make everything fall under your control.”</p><p>You bit your lower lip before noticing Futaba’s eyes twinkle at someone behind you. You turned to spot a woman, dark-haired and piercings marking her face, dark lipstick, and a maroon tank top. You assumed this was the friend Futaba had mentioned who was part of the band, the drummer; you turned a bit to spot a grouchy looking blond, with funky clothes. You assumed he was also part of the band. When he noticed you staring at him, he cocked an eyebrow before smirking at you oddly, and it a second later you touched your face a bit, wondering if there was something stuck on your face that made him smirk at you.</p><p>     “This your friend, Futaba?” He spoke, his voice charming as hell on ice.</p><p>     “That’s (y/n), Semi-chan,” Futaba said, grinning, “She’s a bit tipsy right now, so go easy on her.”</p><p>     “Go easy on me?” You turned to Futaba with a scowl, “What the—“</p><p>     “This can’t be your first time in a club, right?” This Semi-chan person asked.</p><p>You turned to him with a scowl that made his grin grow in size, “Not. I’ve been to clubs before.”</p><p>     “Sure you have,” He said, smirking at you, “Futaba did tell us you went to London for two years.”</p><p>     “I’m still feeling a bit left out here since Futaba didn’t introduce me to either of you, Semi-chan.”</p><p>Semi’s face brightened at the sudden nickname before a chuckle escaped his lips. Semi and the woman he was with joined you and Futaba on the table you were sitting on. Futaba was in an animated conversation with the woman and you felt your eyebrow twitch with annoyance.</p><p>     “They haven’t seen each other in months,” Semi said, “Let me do the introductions for you then.”</p><p>You turned to him and blinked, “Name’s Eita Semi. That there is Coco-san. She’s our drummer.”</p><p>     “You’re in the band too?”</p><p>     “Yep,” He said, rubbing the back of his neck, “Futaba’s told me that you’re some sort of translator?” </p><p>     “You should speak to Futaba about me more then,” You rolled your eyes, “Since she’s given me nothing left to talk about myself.”</p><p>Semi chuckled and you swore it was the alcohol that made you think it was attractive. He was fairly tall, and you were starting to wonder if you had a weakness for taller men. </p><p>     “So, what’s gotten you all mopey?” He asked, looking straight at you.</p><p>     “Is it really that obvious?”</p><p>Semi shrugged, “Maybe it’s a pickup line. You should be aware since you’ve <em>obviously</em> <em>been</em> <em>to</em> <em>clubs</em> before.”</p><p>     “Oh my god,” You rolled your eyes, “You don’t seem like a tease but you are.”</p><p>     “I don’t seem like a lot of things.” He chuckled.</p><p>You shook your head, “Futaba brought me here to watch your band play. Told me it’ll help me with…something.”</p><p> “Yeah, and what is that something, (y/n)-san?”</p><p>You didn’t mind that he used your first name, after all, you were using his. There was something irrevocably charming about Semi that you could tell from first glance, but you could also tell that he was a guarded person. There were things about him you couldn’t read, and those very things made him all the more attractive to you. But, attractive or not, Semi’s charm took your mind off things, and for that, you were glad.</p><p>     “Things didn’t work out with someone,” You started, trying to be as vague as possible, “And… I ended up taking my anger out on a very close friend.”</p><p>Semi winced before shaking his head, sipping his beer, “Sounds rough.”</p><p>     “Wow, and here I thought you’d help.”</p><p>     “Hey,” He smiled, “Maybe I will.”</p><p>You rolled your eyes, before turning to him with an odd look. He must have looked as radiant as he felt because you tilted your head and gave him the sort of look you normally reserved for puppies. Semi continued to smile at you before pointing to your beer.</p><p>     “You finishing that?”</p><p>     “Of course,” You blushed before finally noticing Futaba and Coco-san turn to you, “Wow, way to ignore a friend.”</p><p>     “You’re getting cozy with Semi-Semi so I didn’t want to butt in.”</p><p>You squinted a bit for a second before letting out a giggle. You turned to spot Semi give Futaba a middle finger before turning to you with a casual grin. Sure, he was attractive, but why was it that every time your heart fluttered, there came a soft voice that whispered in your ear saying ‘no’? Was it because Semi wasn’t the one? Was there really anything called ‘the one’? Was it because you’d just met him, but hadn’t that been the case with Sakusa, and Yaku, in the past? You didn’t understand how love worked, you didn’t even understand how attraction worked anymore. The more you stared at Semi, the more you realized a strange fact.</p><p>There would come people who’d make you feel strangely as the way Semi was right then, and there’d come people just to give you pain the way Sakusa had. There’d come people who could give you a sliver of hope and take away momentary pain as Yaku had in the past, and there’d come people like Akaashi, who’d give you a love you could never forget. </p><p>And of course, there was Oikawa. Who came and stayed, despite not even being around physically. </p><p>     “You have that wistful look in your eye,” Semi whispered, leaning closer to you. “What’s up?”</p><p>You smiled at him and wondered who you were to him. How strange and utterly grateful you were to be able to feel love in the first place. People were all fascinating, and despite the pain they gave you, oh you would never try to take it away from yourself. You didn’t know if it was the alcohol or the sudden revelation but you felt light at heart, and so drunk on the idea that the one thing that saved people from eternal damnation was their ability to love and keep loving. The most glorious thing in the world is for someone with a broken heart to prove themselves wrong that there was nothing broken in the first place. Just pain, and evaluating that with the very force that broke it—love itself.</p><p>     “I was thinking about something cheesy.”</p><p>     “I write most of my songs about that something cheesy.”</p><p>Semi stood up before grabbing your head, leaning down, and kissing on its back. You let out a giggle before ignoring Futaba’s wolf-whistle. </p><p>     “It’s time for us to perform,” He hurried, sending you a wink, “Watch me, (y/n)-san?”</p><p>     “Sure, Semi-Semi.” </p><p>He rolled his eyes before leading Coco-san toward the stage. There were two others there, and it felt odd that he looked so comfortable on stage, despite looking so stoic. Futaba leaned closer to you before Semi began greeting the crowd and whispered something in your ear that made your face go red. He used to be a setter in high school, her words proved to you that the title never mattered. </p><p>     “This song’s for someone who thought of something cheesy and looked so utterly embarrassed over it that here’s something to trump that.”</p><p>Your eyes widened before he began to sing, and your stomach flipped. It was wondrous watching the words leave his mouth, beginning slowly as if he were shy, as if the words themselves were shy, and then picking up pace. Semi’s eyes met yours and when the crowd knew it was you he was singing for, you felt strangely put in place; whatever this feeling was, it made you revisit things you didn’t know you had forgotten, it made you wonder about your place in the world. It made you think of every word you had ever said, to anyone, and every past flame that had burned you. If there was anything you knew about getting burned, you knew from Semi’s song, that things burn but don’t stay burned. With each person’s role in your life not being defined before they come, it always left a mystery behind where you think they would go. Each person was in their own path to find their own kind of love—how can you hold it against them if it didn’t match yours?</p><p>When Semi finished his song, you knew what he would ask you. It broke your heart all the same, but you were happy, oddly. You were happy because this was your role in this beautiful boy’s life, and you wondered who else was to come in yours. Semi approached you before you threw yourself at him, for making you feel things that gave you all the answers. Strangely, Futaba had failed in helping you that night funnily enough, because Semi had done all the work.</p><p>His arms slowly went around you, owing to the alcohol that made you act so boldly. However, Semi knew that your hug was your way of healing. Maybe, you simply needed it.</p><p>     “So I was wondering if you’d like to come watch me perform sometime again?” He asked, his face obviously red, and you smiled warmly. </p><p>     “Semi,” You breathed, “I’m sorry.”</p><p>He didn’t look too hurt, because why would he be? He smiled at you before shaking his head, knowing what you meant before letting out a dry chuckle. </p><p>     “Hey, forgive me for shooting my shot at a pretty girl,” He said, “This is why I was a setter. Literally a wing-man even in volleyball.”</p><p>You laughed before shaking your head. You take your phone out before typing a message to Kenma, to come pick you and Futaba up. You turned to Futaba who was all over the place, and you stared at your half drunk bottle of beer before turning to Semi once more. He wouldn’t know it, but he had helped you more by asking you out then he’d ever know. By saying no to him, closing off a book of experiences that he could have had with you, you’d realised the fleeting nature of this anomalous thing called love. After sending Kenma a message, you blinked when you saw an Instagram notification. Clicking on it, you almost dropped your phone, only for Semi to catch it mid-air.</p><p>     “Whoa, what did you see?”</p><p>It wasn’t that he wanted to peek into your phone, but the name Oikawa stood out to him. He quickly looked at your face before breathing in once, trying to remember any detail that Futaba had missed out about you. </p><p>     “You know Oikawa?” He asked, blatant curiosity stuck on his face.</p><p>You stared at Semi now, wondering how in the world he knew Oikawa. Suddenly, the smallness of the world scared you and made you realise that everyone and everything was somehow connected, but witnessing it made you feel breathless.</p><p>     “We… We grew up together.” The definition of how you knew Oikawa had changed over the years and that was bittersweet and sad all at the same time.</p><p>     “Ah,” He let out a chuckle, “He was a really, really good setter. He even won the best setter award in the prefecture. Never got around to beating my team though.”</p><p>     “Wait,” You narrowed your eyes, “You’re from <em>Miyagi</em>?”</p><p>Semi nodded, “Yep,” His eyes widened, “Oh, you are too?”</p><p>You excused yourself for a moment before turning to look at the follow request from Oikawa. You quickly accepted it, without a second thought, and sent him a follow request. You wondered where he was, what he was doing. Was he also in Tokyo somehow? Did he send you a follow request because he was somewhere close? Your stomach flipped at the thought or the possibility of being able to see him again. You looked at Semi with hopeful eyes and for an instant, he wondered if you were truly Oikawa’s childhood friend or something more.</p><p>     “What was he like?”</p><p>     “Who? Oikawa? He was full of himself. Girls flocked around him all the damn time, he was… oof,” You giggled, tears filling your eyes, “But, he was too darn good. Best setter I’ve ever seen and I wouldn’t admit this in high school, trust me.”</p><p><em>Oikawa</em>. The name was something else in your mind; he had stopped being just a common household name to you the day you left Miyagi. It was an effervescent memory that attached itself to the deepest root of your core, and it made you feel everything and nothing simultaneously. Somehow, everything Semi had told you about Oikawa fit together perfectly, and picturing him was far too easy. Semi pulled out his phone before showing you old pictures of volleyball ceremonies in the Spring Interhigh, where Oikawa would win the best setter award; and you stared at him with wondrous eyes, not aware that you were now crying at the sight of someone who was the very representation of the love that you so deeply yearned for.</p><p>     “He was a bit annoying, though,” Semi said, chuckling, and that made you grin with happiness, “But yeah. That’s him.”</p><p>     “Thank you,” He’d never know just how much you meant it. “Thank you so much.”</p><p>Semi smiled at you widely before nodding. Sure, you had turned him down, but somehow you made it all the more comfortable to be around you. As if there was no harm in feeling what he felt, and there was no harm in doing what you did. The movement itself was so organic that he almost found himself blinded by the comfort that it brought along. He turned to Coco-san and Futaba before then turning back to you. </p><p>     “Hope you find that something cheesy that you’re looking for.” He said, winking.</p><p>     “I hope everyone in the world does!” You were definitely drunk. </p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>Kenma’s eyes widened when he spotted you and Futaba drag yourselves out of the club, waddling your way toward him. He groaned when you threw your arms around him before he begrudgingly patted your back. He wouldn’t tell you that Kuroo was waiting in the car, but judging from how you looked, he knew it wouldn’t even matter. Helping you stand, he guided you to the car, almost surprised that Futaba seemed to manage fine. </p><p>     “Watch your step,” Kenma warned, “Don’t fall or I’ll leave you here.”</p><p>     “You won’t,” You slurred, “You’re a sweetie, Ken-chan!”</p><p>     “I hate you.” </p><p>     “You don’t!”</p><p>     “I do.”</p><p>     “Ken-chan!”</p><p>     “Kuroo, f*cking take her.” </p><p>Kuroo walked out of the car before watching you with a helpless smile. He sat you down in the back before helping Futaba at the other end. Kuroo sat in the middle and helped you sit after him before you leaned forward and placed your head on his shoulder. Kuroo sighed, before pulling your hair behind your ear.</p><p>     “I’m sorry, Tetsu…” He knew you were. “I’m so sorry for being such bi—“</p><p>     “Yeah, yeah,” He rolled his eyes, “Sober up, as funny as you are drunk, you’re also a bit irritating.”</p><p>     “I love you all,” You said, shutting your eyes, “So much.”</p><p>Kuroo chuckled. He wouldn’t know what you had realized inside that bar as Eita Semi sang to you, but whatever it was, he knew that you needed it. After all, people only moved forward from other people because of people. With how intrinsic the whole human race was, how could he blame you for yearning for love from the very source that took it away from you?</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. chapter - nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I cried writing this because this was too close to home.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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    <em>The next time that I caught my own reflection</em>
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    <em>It was on its way to meet you</em>
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</blockquote><p> </p><p>•─────☾ ☽─────•</p><p> </p><p>Two years almost passed like a blink of an eye. On some days, time felt as if it were a person, waving at you as it passed by. Some days, time slowed down because it wanted to linger like the wistful air left behind by the crispness from fresh grass, and on some days, time didn’t want to wait around because it clearly had other things to do. Time, while it waited for no one, seemed to take a particular liking to you because you were just as aware of it passing as it was of you knowing; it was a simultaneous, and quiet understanding that you shared with the arbitrary concept. </p><p>Close to 24 years old, you were starting to regret a few things, many thoughts, and actions that have driven you to the place you were. An official Spanish to Japanese translator, working at a small agency that primarily dealt with translating smaller works of fiction but more so articles and accounts that ranged from non-fictional narratives to reports. It wasn’t exactly what you wanted to do, however, what you wanted to do would require you to leave once again. And from everything you’ve learned in the past about leaving, it only gave you more pain than the inevitable understanding that a job need not necessarily fulfill your wishes. Job satisfaction at this point was a rare dream, and the fact that you got to see Tetsuroo, Kenma, and Futaba thrice a month gave you all the reason to stay. </p><p>However, a part of you <em>yearned</em>. A few days after meeting Eita Semi, you’d allowed yourself to go through Oikawa’s Instagram account. Pictures that ranged from the day he joined the app to his days at Aobajohsai, to him living in Brazil or Argentina, you couldn’t really understand because he seemed to travel back and forth, and of food from different places, of volleyballs and an orange-haired boy, you understood one firm thing.</p><p>Oikawa Tooru, the one who had been yours so, so long ago, was never going to come back.</p><p>You wondered what the reason was for him to have sent you that follow request so randomly after so many years; you wondered if you still meant anything to him as he did to you. You wondered if you were simply a memory that was incited to him in passing conversation and if that was all you were. It scared you to think that someone like Oikawa would permanently remain an almost fictitious life-form in your case. </p><p>Your phone rang and you knew instantly that it was your boss. You groaned a little bit before picking the call, hoping with all your might that he wasn’t calling you for a last-minute re-edit. You hated editing, especially if it involved your own translation, and even with free editors available, it was always you who was expected to finish a menial task. This would demand you head over to the office, which was close to 40 kilometers away, catching three different trains and one additional bus, take the report and return, for a mere 2-hour job. </p><p>    “(l/n)-san!” Your boss’s chirpy voice made no difference to you. She’d always sound that way when she had an additional task to give you, “So the thing is…”</p><p><em>Ah, that’s how it begins</em>, you thought, about to roll your eyes. She continued to tell you that she forgot a few of her documents on her way home and needed you to pick them up. And after picking them up, you were to give it a final round of editing before resubmitting it on Monday, which was two days from now. You felt annoyed almost instantly, but the last time this had happened, Tetsuroo had managed to drive you there and back, and you hoped he’d be free to do it again this time.</p><p>Once the call ended, you lay back on your bed and let out a sigh that lasted for a few seconds. You shut your eyes and breathed slowly, focusing on the task at hand. Even though your job was primarily working from home, you were often given tasks such as these that drove you up a wall. However, you trod on because the pay was reasonable, and you were managing to save more money than you’d imagined earlier. Picking your phone up, you give Tetsu a call before frowning slightly when he cut your call. It was a Friday afternoon, you’d be damned if he was busy on a day like this. Come on, Tetsu, you secretly hoped, but you knew there was nothing you could do if he was busy. After all, Tetsuroo was now part of the Japan Volleyball Associations’s Sports Division, a leading businessman associated with the sport he loved with his heart. For a boy who’d always been smart, the task fit Kuroo more than you’d ever imagined.</p><p><em><strong>Tetsu</strong></em>: <em>Hey, (y/n). Meeting right now. What’s up? Meet tonight?</em></p><p>You groaned before knowing full well you couldn’t ask him to drop you off at the office that was 40km away. You pursed your lips before typing in that it wasn’t anything and a soft ‘sure’ at the end for his request. A quick second later, you immediately dialed Futaba before blinking with shock at how she cut your call. A message soon followed.</p><p><em><strong>Futaba</strong></em>: <em>I’m out with a bunch of friends! We’re talking her out of a bad decision, (y/n), speak to ya soon!</em></p><p>So, you did the one thing a desperate friend would do at a time like this. With summer being unforgiving, you didn’t want to take the trains and a bus to reach the office. You pulled your phone and dialed a number you remember dialing from Futaba’s phone a while ago. It wasn’t that you and Kenma never spoke before, it was just a bit awkward with him being Kuroo’s best friend but just your acquaintance. You two were close, indeed; but, there always came an air of restriction with Kenma, one you never quite understood. </p><p>    “Kenma?”</p><p>    “What’s up? I’m gaming right now,” You almost sighed, “But, not streaming or anything.”</p><p>    “Okay, I just…” You felt strange and instantly thought of diverting the topic. Maybe, taking the train wasn’t such a bad idea. “Nevermind—“</p><p>    “Spit it out, (l/n),” Not to mention, he always called you by your last name, “You need something.”</p><p>    “I need you to drive me somewhere? Or just loan me your car, I can—“</p><p>    “Where to?”</p><p>Your stomach flipped at his kindness. You knew he didn’t have to do this, but it felt somewhat sweet regardless. A smile sat on your lips as you told him where you needed to go, and Kenma instantly agreed to pick you up in fifteen minutes. It wasn’t as if you couldn’t count on Kenma, it was that you never really had gotten around to counting on him because Kuroo or Futaba had always been there. </p><p>When Kenma arrived, you stood at the front gate waving at him. He sat inside with a black half-sleeved hoodie, his hair in a messy bun, his eyes boring into you with a casual grin that seemed far too comfortable on his features. You sat shotgun and immediately put on the seatbelt before grinning at him.</p><p>    “Last minute work?” He asked, looking at the road.</p><p>You giggled before nodding, “Yeah. Boss’s brutal when it comes to re-edits. She makes me do them twice literally. On my own document.”</p><p>    “Not that I understand,” He hummed, “But, this sounds like a bummer.”</p><p>    “Not when you’re driving me there, Ken-chan!”</p><p>    “I will literally drop you off here and leave if you call me that.”</p><p>    “You don’t hate it.”</p><p>    “You don’t know me.”</p><p>You paused at his words before letting out a forced chuckle. It was true. You remembered a time in middle school where Kenma primarily sat on his phone while you and Kuroo interacted. A part of you had always assumed that he didn’t think of you highly, or at least as highly as he thought of Kuroo; and you were always going to be Kuroo’s friend to him. As time passed, your circle shortened, and even though there was growing familiarity that you knew Kenma, you understood that you basically knew of him than anything else.</p><p>His eyes darted to you for a second before he wondered if he said anything to suddenly quieten you; he knew you enough to discern that you weren’t generally a quiet person around Kuroo or Futaba, but being alone with him was rare. After all, you and Kenma never really shared a space that was restrictively just the two of you. You two shared nothing in common, except the love for volleyball; but even that was a conversation you two barely involved yourselves in. He knew of your quirky attraction to setters through Kuroo’s constant nagging, and even though he was one, no part of him wondered what if would feel like to be at the receiving end of your affections. </p><p>    “So—“ The both of you began before abruptly shutting up, the air around you filling with the awkwardness growing in your chest.</p><p>Kenma’s anxiety gave him very little breathing room. He had somehow gotten over a bit of it after high school, and even though he knew you from so long ago, the situation right then inside the car made him anxious. His face wouldn’t reveal it, but the death grip that he had on the steering wheel was proof enough. Not that you noticed, you were far too busy focusing on your phone, staring at the home screen as if it was your hidden savior.</p><p>    “I get it,” Kenma began, suddenly, “I’m not Kuroo. So… There’s really nothing to talk about.”</p><p>    “No!” Your eyes widened at his blatant wording, “Kenma… I didn’t… That’s not—“</p><p>    “It is true, and you know it,” He said, grinning slightly, “It’s not an issue though. You and I never really had the chance to bond. And time just dissolved the need for it. I’m not really a people-person so…”</p><p>You smiled softly, “I don’t want you to think we’re not friends, Kenma.”</p><p>He shook his head, “No, I know. We are. But just because two people are friends doesn’t mean they’re familiar.”</p><p>It was a fact set in stone that you saw reflecting in Kenma as you stared at him. His eyes were focused on the road, as they should be, but somehow, you felt his attention linked toward you. Kenma was truly strange; he screamed a hidden sort of confidence that you found nestled in a softness that didn’t come too often among the people you knew. Kenma was a pleasant mix of said confidence and anxiousness that it made you feel effortlessly comfortable around him and…</p><p>…just a bit intimidated.</p><p>    “There’s a traffic jam.” Kenma said, eyes narrowing a bit.</p><p>    “Oh no.” You said, now turning to the road. </p><p>    “Do you have to get to the office by a certain time?”</p><p>You shook your head, “Any time is fine, but a traffic jam is only going to delay things for you!”</p><p>Kenma chuckled, “Delay things for me?”</p><p>    “Don’t you have like… a company to run?”</p><p>    “A start-up, and thanks for worrying. I’m fine, really,” He chuckled, “And it’s a Friday. No one really works on a Friday.”</p><p>    “Right?!”</p><p>You weren’t sure if you liked the silence you created between Kenma and yourself. You didn’t even know if it was a silence that could be created; a silence so tranquil yet terrifying. You were afraid that in that silence words and meanings could be conveyed, stronger than ever before. And yet, there would be no communication at all if he didn’t want it to be.</p><p>    “I can practically feel you overthinking, (l/n).” He said, leaning back against the car seat.</p><p>    “Why do you still call me (l/n)?”</p><p>He turned to you with a blank stare, “I thought that was your name.”</p><p>You rolled your eyes, “(y/n) is also my name. Futaba and Tetsu have been calling me that since middle school. You still—“</p><p>    “I still call Kuroo by his last name. I’ve known him longer than I’ve known you,” Kenma said, staring at you, “What’s really the issue here, (l/n)? Is it the fact that I call you by your last name or you feel like there’s something else?”</p><p>You gulped, swallowing every word that was on your tongue. What were you going to tell him now that his eyes were gazing into your own? You’d never really paid Kenma this much attention before, but now that you had, he was almost too breathtaking. How had you never noticed this before? </p><p>    “I feel terrible because I thought we were close.”</p><p>Kenma chuckled, “We <em>are</em> close.”</p><p>    “You know what I mean.”</p><p>When he was quiet, he accepted that he knew what you meant and you weren’t sure if you were glad or unhappy about the fact that he understood. Kenma looked away from you before turning to the road again, moving a few meters before pausing again. Traffic didn’t look like it was going to clear anytime soon, but since you two weren’t in a hurry, there wasn’t really any other choice in the matter.</p><p>    “The problem with you is,” Kenma began, “You don’t really look inside yourself when you’re uncomfortable.”</p><p>    “What?”</p><p>He made a face that insinuated that he was either uncomfortable talking about this or unsure. You weren’t aware of which was which.</p><p>    “Whenever you’re facing something, you tend to think the world brought it down on you. You blame the world around you because it either took something away or pushed you away. It’s never what you can do about things. It’s always a circumstance that prevented you or stopped you or took you away. You don’t want to be helpless but you think you are.”</p><p>    “I don’t understand a word you’re saying—“</p><p>    “You lack agency,” He said, turning to you, “You don’t do anything on your own. You let things happen to you and around you. It was worse before you went to London, and now it seems to be getting a bit better. But, your sadness has always been external. And so is your happiness.”</p><p>You stared at him trying to discern what he was saying. While you weren’t aware that Kenma could speak in such arbitrary terms, you were starting to feel slightly offended at his remarks at you.</p><p>    “Before you get mad at me,” He said, letting out a helpless chuckle, “I’m not insulting you.”</p><p>    “I don’t know what else this is.” You said, pressing your lips together.</p><p>He was quiet for a moment before stepping on the gear and moving forward a bit. You didn’t know how but you knew he was gathering his thoughts, not because he was choosing what to say to you but more so because he wanted to frame it better. Kenma was always a blunt person, but his bluntness was in most cases valid. When the car came to a slow halt, you noticed him rub his hands on his thighs, to remove the sweat that was building up. You smiled slightly before knowing that this conversation must have made him feel anxious; even though there was no need to.</p><p>    “You are fully aware that you’re lonely, (l/n),” He stabbed you without warning, “And you try to seek for ways to fill that loneliness externally. Not really trying to add to your worries here but everyone’s trying to do something to fill their growing loneliness.”</p><p>    “Everyone? I’m not… I’m not trying to—“</p><p>    “We don’t have to talk about this—“</p><p>    “No!” You said, too aggressively, “I… I want to see what you mean. All my life… I’ve been craving for something far too similar to what I felt in Miyagi. I’ve been unhappy every second because of it—“</p><p>He shook his head, “I don’t think you’re unhappy because of what happened in Miyagi, (l/n). People are generally unhappy and are looking for things that make them forget that. I game almost all day because it makes me forget my anxieties. And while that’s escapism, which I don’t deny, most of our lives are riddled with that either way. The thing with you is… You’re sticking to something so arbitrary that you believe that’s the reason you’re feeling this way. Honestly, if you expect to feel the same way a 12-year old version of yourself felt then…”</p><p>You paused for a second before feeling your heart race. Had Kenma picked all of that up without ever speaking to you about it? By just watching you, was it so evident that you were just stuck up on a past that needn’t have been given that much attention? Was Oikawa Tooru supposed to be a name that shouldn’t incite what it incited in you? Were you blowing things out of proportion? Were you the one misreading things?</p><p>    “You feel far too aggressively, (l/n). You hope, love, and dream more aggressively than anyone I’ve ever met. And that’s why it’s so hard for you.”</p><p>Was he not just telling you that you were placing both legs in the past?</p><p>    “But… you’re right. I should move on from—“</p><p>    “There’s nothing you should and shouldn’t do about this, (l/n). The same way I call my best friends by their last names, you shouldn’t have to do anything. Miyagi was your home. And everything associated with it was home, too.”</p><p>You couldn’t forget the way Tooru smiled at you when you told him, in tears, about moving away. He smiled because he didn’t want to see you cry. You remembered when he kissed you on the cheek because lip-to-lip kisses were strange. For a 12-year old, it was home. It was all the comfort you had ever known. Either you were blowing it out of proportion, or you were downplaying it. It was never middle ground with you.</p><p>    “Stop looking elsewhere for something to make you feel better,” Kenma said, pressing on the pedal again, “Because it won’t come, (l/n).”</p><p>You remembered Oikawa being in some South American country, never wanting to return. You were the one who initially left him, and now, he had moved so far away it made you feel breathless. Were you overly focusing on him as the mere representation of your lost happiness? Wouldn’t that be unfair to Oikawa if you put all the blame on him? You turned to Kenma and chuckled.</p><p>    “I wish I felt a little less.” You whispered.</p><p>He smiled, “And I wish I felt a bit more.”</p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p><br/><br/>When Oikawa woke up in the middle of a night due to a nightmare, he was always reminded that he was alone. He stared at the ceiling fan before focusing on how quickly the hands of the fan moved, the sound that came with it, and the shadows that danced on the wall because of it. As the sound of nothingness settled in the back of his mind, he felt a lone tear streaming down his cheek before wiping it away. He couldn’t remember what the nightmare was about, he had started forgetting them long ago. He no longer woke up from heavy jolts, he no longer woke up shaking, Oikawa’s nightmares left him feeling empty; a closed-off numbness that had him stare into space for minutes before realizing he needed a glass of water.</p><p>Fridays were his version of Mondays here in Argentina. Fridays meant no practice, Fridays meant no going out. On Fridays, Oikawa Tooru would remain at home, drunk over leftover wine, and pacing back and forth in a house devoid of television. He’d find time to speak to Iwaizumi, or sometimes make time for some reading. </p><p>And then the aching loneliness would present itself to him in the form of a nightmare, especially when he went to bed drunk out of his mind. Oikawa’s gnawing depression wasn’t the result of being single for too long or friendless in a foreign land. Oikawa’s depression was the result of him constantly digging within himself for a sign, something to answer him why he was feeling the way he was. He wanted to excel in volleyball, and he was. Now an Argentinian citizen, Oikawa had risen to the top more than he’d ever dreamed of. The Olympics were postponed to the following year because of the pandemic, but now that things were going easy around the world, the Olympics stopped being a dream. Being one of the best in his team meant that he was going to be selected. </p><p>That night, however, Oikawa Tooru remembered his nightmare when he drank his second glass of water. He froze before being violently reminded of <em>you</em>, and you were wearing an Aobajohsai girls’ uniform, your hair flowing behind you, a soft smile on your face and your teenage self resembled the pictures he had seen of you in your Instagram, with a boy who was familiar to him. You were still associated with volleyball, as he had seen, and you, a fully-thriving city girl, seemed less like the person he knew, but more like a person who he’d wished to know.</p><p>Every fake interaction within the dream stood out to him now. <em>Tooru</em>, you’d say without the suffix, <em>Does your knee hurt?</em></p><p>
  <em>Yes, (y/n)-chan. It does.</em>
</p><p><em>Tooru</em>, he didn’t know why but he pictured you saying his name in the only way he wanted his name to be said. <em>Don’t strain yourself. Come on, set some balls for me. But after 10, we’re going.</em></p><p>
  <em>Where are we going, (y/n)-chan?</em>
</p><p><em>Home</em>, you'd say. And then you’d smile, and Oikawa knew that the smile resembled the very same smile you wore when standing beside that girl with the weird hair and the boy with the black, bed hair. He closed his eyes before placing the glass back on the counter, letting out a few breaths. It wasn’t you that he missed, you were now an image that floated around his mind; the only image he associated with romance that wasn’t linked with pain. Until you left. Pulling out his phone, he checked Instagram before noticing a story you’d posted. He clicked on it faster than he intended to before his breath stuck in his throat at a picture of you—tilting your head a bit before shooting a peace sign at the camera, a very evident traffic jam behind you, and a boy beside you. The caption read, ‘<em>Stuck in a jam with a best friend sounds almost like a plan during the post-pandemic season</em>’. </p><p>You were gorgeous. No, <em>are</em> gorgeous. He closed his phone before thoughts hit his mind. Was it the right decision to come to Argentina? Was his dream really that important if it meant staying alone and waking up alone every night? </p><p>You looked happy. You’d moved on. You weren’t blaming yourself for cutting contact the way he had. </p><p><em>Tooru</em>, you’d say in his dream. <em>Don’t overthink?</em></p><p>He didn’t know if he still loved you; how was that even possible? He was a child when he had ‘loved’ you in the first place. Now, he was 24 years old and tired and lonely and a bit regretful. However, if Tooru knew that this was how almost every adult felt at a time like this, he’d have been a little less remorseful. </p><p><em>Tooru</em>, you’d say in his dream and he always, always found himself smiling.</p><p>If that wasn’t love, then Tooru wasn’t really sure what was.</p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p><br/><br/>    “This is shit,” Kenma said, gritting his teeth, “This isn’t moving.”</p><p>    “I’m so sorry,” You giggled, “I didn’t expect it to be—“</p><p>    “Don’t be sorry,” he sounded almost annoyed, “It’s not your fault there’s a jam.”</p><p>You rolled your eyes, “Yeah, okay.”</p><p>    “We’re meeting Kuroo and Bokuto-san tonight,” Kenma said, “A good friend of mine got drafted into the MSBY recently. You should come and meet him. He’s a pocket of energy.”</p><p>You giggled, “I’d love to.”</p><p>The silence that followed was somehow a lot more clearer than the silence before your previous conversation with Kenma. You could sit there and wonder if you were close to him or not, but with the way you were sitting near him right then, laughing about the faces he was making, completely being yourself with him, no strings attached, you weren’t sure if you were just overthinking it again or if you were being overtly conscious of having never spent time with him before.</p><p>    “Kenma?” You began, earning a soft hum from him, “Were you ever in love with someone before?”</p><p>    “I’m 23-years old, (l/n).”</p><p>    “What does that mean—“</p><p>    “Of course, I’ve been in love. It hurt for a while. It sucks.”</p><p>Your eyes widened, “W-Wait, really?”</p><p>    “Let’s not go there,” he shook his head, “What do you want to talk about?”</p><p>    “What?” You frowned, “I didn’t bring this up because I wanted to talk about something. Wow, you really think you have me all figured out?”</p><p>He turned to you with a blank expression, “So, this conversation isn’t going to be about Sakusa-kun or Akaashi-kun?”</p><p>You pouted before hitting him playfully on his arm, earning a chuckle from his side. He began to drive again once the traffic cleared for a few meters before pausing once again, emitting a groan from the bottom of his throat. </p><p>    “You know,” He focused on his hands that were on the steering wheel, “Kuroo liked you for two years.”</p><p>Your eyes widened, “I flipped when he told me he had a crush on me.”</p><p>    “Yeah,” Kenma chuckled, “He didn’t admit it at first. But, when he did, you two were in your final year at Middle school. He took two years to get over it. Felt dumped whenever you were mentioned, and even told me that it was beginning to affect his grades.”</p><p>    “Wait,” Your heart flipped, “What?”</p><p>Kenma nodded, “And Akaashi-kun? You leaving Japan drove him close to insane. He didn’t have Bokuto-san to speak to initially because well… Bokuto-san liked him. Akaashi-kun couldn’t forget about you for a whole year. It killed him. And it killed Bokuto-san to see the boy he loved to be in so much pain.”</p><p>    “I… I can’t believe—“</p><p>    “You were in the center of it all?” Kenma said, “We most often don’t think of how we impact the lives of others. We don’t think we’re that important. We always think we’re the only ones suffering. And you thought, they’re used to it. But that was how people always thought about those who suffered, that they were used to it, that they no longer felt it as you did. Nobody ever got used to it. All they learned to do was to stop letting it show.”</p><p>When Kenma quietly began to drive, you noticed the traffic clearing. With the car moving so swiftly, you’d almost forgotten that you were in a vehicle, to begin with; and the sudden faceless quiet that Kenma brought with himself as he drove almost suffocated you, and held you tight as you shivered. While you were aware that everyone had a story, you were never truly curious to know your role in others’ narratives. Did that make you selfish? Did that make you conceited? You turned to Kenma and saw a whole new person, a person with whom conversation felt deep and satisfying, and utterly heartbreaking. It was a feeling you’d never felt before; it was oddly relaxing.</p><p>    “What are you thinking?”</p><p>You had a feeling he knew what you were thinking. Kenma stopped at a red light before turning to you. </p><p>    “I’m thinking what if I liked you instead?” You meant it almost like a joke. “I should have liked you. It’d have saved us so much pain. I should have stayed in Nekoma, liked you, or Kuroo, and things would have been okay.”</p><p>    “No,” Kenma said, “It’d be the same story. Just a different name.”</p><p>There was a ceaseless depth in the way Kenma spoke that bound you to the very reality that he tried so hard to get away from. You’d be a fool to think you weren’t comfortable with him even after all this because now you were certain that this conversation wouldn’t have been possible with anyone but Kenma. Not even Futaba and not Kuroo. It was an overwhelming feeling, to be told of your flaws from a friend—a friend who was also not a friend. </p><p>    “I was scared of you,” He said, “Pretty girl. Kuroo’s friend. And the girl Kuroo liked. I automatically had to keep any thought away so there was no question of liking you. I don’t even know if I would have.”</p><p>    “There’s a ‘what if’, though.” You said, honestly.</p><p>He nodded, “Yeah, there’s always a ‘what-if’. Kuroo got over you and told me about your setter obsession. I thought of it for a second but it didn’t feel right. You were still pretty and everything,” He turned to you and smiled a bit, “Still are. It’s just. I could have liked you. But, I just didn’t.”</p><p>    “Kenma, now I feel stupid for not liking you,” You laughed, “This is so weird.”</p><p>    “You sometimes meet someone who falls under the criteria of everything you’ve ever wished for, and yet… You don’t feel it.”</p><p>    “Since when did you feel this way?” </p><p>He was quiet for a moment. And then he shrugged; because what use was telling you now? The prospect of nothing was still nothing. When Kenma did that, you understood. You smiled before shaking your head, pressing your lips together in a smile that spoke volumes of how you were feeling right then.</p><p>    “I love you, Kenma.” </p><p>Somehow, it felt right. Platonic love was still love, after all.</p><p>He laughed once before nodding, “You’re a moron but I love you, too.”</p><p>You were fifteen minutes away from the office. In those fifteen minutes, you’d somehow managed to live past the first 12-years of your life in a way you’d never had before. You thought of Tooru now, not with pain or a bittersweet agony, but with a fondness you knew he deserved. Tooru’s smile didn’t send a stream of inner tears breaking your heart, but made your heart feel warm and left more to be desired. The thought of Tooru no longer hurt you because there would always be a ‘what-if’ that could bring you down.</p><p>Love was supposed to be gnawing and merciless; it was supposed to come and go in patterns that no one understood. It was supposed to bewilder, shock, and uproot people’s very existences and throw them off for a toss that they knew not how to land from. Eventually, love will throw its end at you; and when the end of love, the final search for it, arrives, you’d not be sitting calmly or breathing heavily. It would happen when it’s supposed to happen. However, you knew that if it were to end, if this search for the final roll-call would occur, it would happen full-fledged, holding nothing back. After all, love comes to stay for good only after showing itself to you here and there. </p><p>Sometimes, when you aren’t ready to see it; sometimes, it is not ready to see you. Sometimes, love comes when it isn’t supposed to, and sometimes it leaves far too early. Sometimes, love comes not in the way you expect it to but is strong nonetheless.</p><p>There is love all around us, Kenma could have said through silence as he looked at you from the side. You smiled at him before shaking your head. We choose to see only one aspect of it. Platonic love is also love, a love so strong and fierce it can almost blind you. </p><p>    “So,” Kenma began, once you returned to the car after the short trip to retrieve the files you needed to re-edit, “If you were to meet the setter whose heart you broke as a pre-teen, what would you say?”</p><p>You thought of Oikawa Tooru again, and this time was fuelled with a joy you didn’t know of before. There was no pain attached to his name, no yearning, no lost joy. </p><p>Oikawa Tooru was no painful memory. Oikawa Tooru was a cherished part of your past.</p><p>You smiled at Kenma’s question. Because, how could you not?</p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p><br/><br/>Oikawa woke up that Friday morning and thought of <em>you</em>. He went most of his teen years not thinking of you only to be punished for missing out on you all along. Iwaizumi had warned him of his growing obsession with his past and how he linked it to himself, but he cared not. He looked at your next stories, you were with this Kuroo person again, who seemed to appear a lot in your stories and your posts. </p><p>He sighed before swiping picture after picture and paused before he spotted someone he knew was far too familiar for him to bat an eye on. In one of the pictures stood a pale-haired male with an MSBY jersey, and beside him stood Oikawa’s good friend and once rival, Hinata Shoyo. </p><p><em>Sho-chan? </em>Oikawa’s heart pummelled to the ground as he noticed you standing near the pale-haired guy, whose name was Bokuto he had learned, and there stood Hinata, in his newest team. Suddenly, the world was crashing around him, and Oikawa felt as if he was being strangled. Almost as if the universe was tired of him pining for a lost name that somehow resembled yours, throwing Shoyo into one of your stories only meant one thing.</p><p>He had to come and see you. If this wasn’t a sign, then he didn’t know what was. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. chapter - ten (i)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>So with toothpaste kisses and lines</em>
    <br/>
    <em>I'll be yours and you'll be</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p><br/>•─────☾ ☽─────•</p><p> </p><p><br/>It was odd for Oikawa Tooru to be driven by anything other than his drive for volleyball. Spontaneity felt as alien to him as leaving the country for something he had loved all his life was, but at the same time, he wasn’t doing something strikingly different this time. He was returning to his home country for a little while if only to quell whatever it was that left him sleepless at night. Perhaps, Oikawa suggested to himself that he was only doing so to trample his fears about being lonely so that he could then focus on volleyball; maybe, Oikawa was only returning to Japan to once and for all leave everything behind because he was certain of one thing. </p><p>He had been carrying around the idea of you for so long that it was finally starting to suffocate him. Regular everyday things now reminded him of your Instagram page, and he was sure that the idea of you was more toxic to him than who you used to be. He was certain that thinking of you for so long only meant he was doing so as a defense mechanism for his own loneliness, and meeting you would just trample all the thoughts that came with this obsession. </p><p>You’d be the same person he used to remember, the same girl he had such a big crush on as a child, and this truth would finally set him free. If you were anyone else, it would assist in forgetting the idea faster, and whatever it was, it was enough for him to move on. </p><p>Oikawa wondered if he had to let you know he was coming but decided against it. He was, after all, going to see Shoyo first; knowing full well that Shoyo stayed at one of his friend’s places in Tokyo. While Tooru knew that you also lived in Tokyo, this was the first time he begged the external forces, i.e., the coincidence factor to assist him. He knew meeting Takeru and his sister and parents back in Miyagi came first, but his heart was yearning. He’d be gone for just three weeks; and for the first time, he felt as if these three weeks would be changing his life more than anything else ever had. </p><p>For Oikawa is—or as Oikawa was—one of those people who pride themselves on their willpower, on their ability to make a decision and carry it through. This virtue, like most virtues, is ambiguity itself. People who believe that they are strong-willed and the masters of their destiny can only continue to believe this by becoming specialists in self-deception. Oikawa could continue staying in Argentina, wondering every single day of his life what would have happened if he had confronted you; but by actually confronting you, he’d be quelling any ‘what-if’ that seemed to slow him down. There was no room for self-deception here. His decisions were not really decisions at all—a real decision attempts to make one humble, and they would know that it is at the mercy of more things than can be named—but elaborate systems of evasion, of illusion, designed to make themselves and the world appear to be what they and the world are not. This is certainly what my decision, made so long ago in Oikawa’s bed, came to. He had decided to allow no room in the universe for something which shamed and frightened him. He succeeded very well—by not looking at the universe, by not looking at himself, by remaining, in effect, in constant motion.</p><p>He stood in the airport and let out a breath, and along with it, any inhibition that might have slowed him from taking another step. But, Oikawa’s movements weren’t pushed and pulled by the ebbs and flows of fate but by his own heartbeat, which beat to the sound of his will-power. </p><p>    “Your reasons to go to Japan?” The passport executive asked, and Oikawa smiled.</p><p>    “It’s home.”</p><p><br/>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p><br/>You adored Hinata Shoyo. It took you less than three minutes to instantly approve of him and adopt him as a son, his energy kept the room alive every single time he was around. Kenma had never stopped talking about him ever since you first met him that night after the long car-talk with the pudding head. Shoyo stayed in Brazil for two years before being drafted into the MSBY, and you remembered just how close Shoyo was with Bokuto and Akaashi back in school. You didn’t remember him too well since you’d never really spoken to him as much, but he was a background figure; someone you knew you’d never forget.</p><p>However, there was something odd about the way Shoyo looked at you. Sure, you remembered him from the sidelines, but since you never really interacted with him, it was odd for him to look as if he’d seen you somewhere. You wanted to ask him, but at the same time, you didn’t want to. You were focused on something else entirely now, with newer translation gigs coming your way. It started to feel less like freelance and more as if you were a company on your own. Your boss handed translation requests to you from clients from all kinds of Spanish speaking countries and you were not only overwhelmed but excited beyond belief. </p><p>    “Oi,” Kuroo tapped on your head that night forcing you to look up at him, “You need to rest. You look like a zombie.”</p><p>    “Oh,” You shook your head, chuckling once, “I need to finish this. This is the first time I’ve received a translation request from a client in Columbia. It’s strange, but I can’t believe I’m enjoying this job more than before.”</p><p>    “Doesn’t mean you need to kill yourself here,” Tetsu said, “You’ve not slept for days.”</p><p>    “I’ve slept!”</p><p>    “Three hours a day doesn’t count as sleeping, they’re naps.”</p><p>Kuroo had a point, you knew deep down, but you couldn’t stop. Ever since speaking to Kenma, you were less obsessed over what was going to happen to you and more focused on what you could do to yourself. It was a dream for you to work on Spanish and translate so that more people could understand the glory of literature from there, and with every bit of work that came your way, you were focused more than you ever thought you could be.</p><p>While Tetsuroo understood this newfound obsession for you to bury yourself in your work, he also knew that it was a side-effect. He knew what it was that was trying to keep you busy. Your work managed to keep you at a distance from your feelings, and you took the ways you busied yourself—becoming an overachiever and a pure-bred workaholic—as self-esteem. However, your best friend knew that whenever your inner feelings did not match your outer surface, you were simply doing yourself a disservice. If stopping to rest meant being barraged with this discrepancy, it was of no wonder you were reluctant to cease your obsessive activity.</p><p>But, what could he say when he knew he had no comfort to give you? Leaving you alone would result in the same thing as being there with you, and even though you had promised to spend time with him that night, Kuroo was there when you had received a call from a client, asking you to make some changes to a finalized document. You were more than happy to oblige, and the lack of guilt only went on to prove that you were that deep in masking your own inner sorrow. Kuroo leaned forward before kissing you on your head and leaving you there before you turned to give him a hug. </p><p>    “I’m so sorry…” At least you sounded guilty. It made him smile.</p><p>    “Don’t be,” He said, “Just don’t die on me.”</p><p>You giggled before shooing him and watched him leave. You turned back to your room before licking your lips, feeling how dry they were. Reminding yourself to drink water for the fourth time that day, you once again forgot as your eyes followed words. </p><p>Kuroo walked out of your house and paused when he felt eyes on him. Turning to his left, he blinked before wondering if there was someone there, but it was a busy street; shaking his head, he walked off, wondering what Kenma was doing at this time. Everyone had their own methods to battle loneliness, and if you weren’t available, then Kuroo moved to Kenma—who wasn’t alone at the moment. A smile sat on his lips when he thought of Hinata Shoyo, and as much as he adored the little brat, Kuroo wondered what his own need to not to alone might have meant in the long run.</p><p>You finally got up to drink water after what felt like minutes, but it was when you checked the time did you almost drop your phone. It was close to being 3 a.m. that night, and you felt as if your lungs were on fire. A whole day spent without a drop of water, and you wondered why you were doing this to yourself. You looked at the completed document that you had just submitted, before being roughly reminded of the 5 a.m., alarm you’d set for yourself, hoping to go for a run. You wanted to stay healthy, hydrate, and also be independent, but why was it so difficult? Why was it so insanely hard for you to focus on yourself instead of forgetting your loneliness? Why couldn’t both these things happen simultaneously? You didn’t know if it was the lack of sleep or water, but you felt your lips quiver at the thought of doing it all wrong. </p><p>In the grief that came with recognizing what happened to you, you were finally able to feel that there was nowhere to turn to for any semblance of solace. Kuroo had warned you in the soft way that he had, and when you had managed to wordlessly push him away did you realize that he wasn’t just worried. You’d managed to make him feel helpless and the thought dawned on you at 3 a.m. that night and you sat there, taking it all in. You did things to keep every bit of your overthinking away, such as this need to become and stay overly busy to numb your feelings. However, you didn’t realize that it was only when you are caught up in resistance, you do not feel hope, but when you surrender to your sadness fully, hope finds itself trickling in.</p><p><em>What should I do</em>, you thought, blinking away any tear that threatened to come to you. Laying back on the bed, you knew that turning to your friends would only cripple you more. This time, you wanted to do this on your own. No more running to your friends, no more chasing after the idea Oikawa left behind, no more fighting to not stay lonely. If you didn’t even enjoy your own company, then there was no point for you. Oikawa was in Argentina, enjoying himself, and here you were—being only the shadow of a person you wished you were. </p><p>Closing your laptop, you decided now was not the time for overthinking. It was a habit that had inconsequentially driven you to overwork yourself; no longer were you ready to be this person, you were going to be healthy and that would begin with a good amount of sleep first. You drank some water, two glasses to be precise, before removing your hair tie and collapsing on your bed. You were certain that by now you resembled a panda, but that didn’t matter. The second you shut your eyes, you wouldn’t realize it, but there was no thought. And sometimes, this was a sign of progress.</p><p>In the morning, you checked the time and noted that it was close to 10:30 a.m. It was a weekend, so you knew you weren’t going to accept any gigs at least until Monday, but being close to 25 years old and living with your parents would only do so much. You didn’t want to stay inside, you wanted to make plans and move. Maybe, you’d go visit Kenma and hoped Shoyo would be there. </p><p>    “(y/n)!” Your mother called out.</p><p>You walked out with a brush in your mouth, your hair practically a mess as you rushed to greet her. You knew she hated seeing you with toothpaste foam in your mouth, and that made you giggle as you rushed to the kitchen to give her a hug. </p><p>    “Hi, mom—“You spoke with your mouth full and when you saw that her eyes were wide, you froze, knowing instantly that there was someone in the house. </p><p>    “Someone’s here to see you and I’m not sure you knew,” She whispered before pointing to her left. You slowly followed her finger before freezing to your spot. </p><p>There, on your living room couch, sat Oikawa Tooru, looking at you with wide eyes, unable to smile because who smiles at someone with toothpaste foam in their mouth? You would have fainted, in all honesty, and the fact that you kept standing proved that you were mentally adept to handle something like this. You didn’t wait a second before running back to your room, nausea suddenly creeping in. Was it <em>Oikawa Tooru</em>? Was it <em>really</em> him? What in the hell was he doing in your living room? Sure, he knew your mother, and he could have learned about your location from literally anyone—or contacting your parents through his parents, you didn’t know if your parents were in touch with his. Were they? Why were they? What was going on?</p><p>You weren’t able to breathe. You washed your face before noticing how terrible you looked—shorts and pajamas, hair all over the place, eyes with bags; your fingers grazed over your cheeks in absolute horror, almost wondering if this was even happening. A moment later, you noticed your mother enter your room hesitantly and you turned to her with wide eyes.</p><p>    “What is <em>happening</em>?” You spelled out the words because you couldn’t comprehend reality.</p><p>She pressed her lips together and shrugged, “He just showed up this morning! I don’t know how he knew, but dear lord. I’ve always known Tooru-kun would turn out to be such a looker, but seeing him in flesh? You were obsessed for the right reason—“</p><p>    “Mom,” You warned, “I look like a trash can personified. I can’t… He…”</p><p>In all the wonder, you’d failed to realize how strange this felt. Was Oikawa not a stranger to you now? Did he go past the stranger phase only because you knew him around twelve years ago?</p><p>Your eyes widened slowly.</p><p>    “<em>Twelve</em> years… Mom, I’ve not seen him for twelve years. What is he <em>doing</em> here?” You were panicking now, you were certain. But, your mother sought no reason to worry.</p><p>    “Honey, go meet him. Maybe he just wants to say hi.”</p><p>    “He’s not even…” </p><p>You were of the complete impression that he was in Argentina thanks to his Instagram. You let out a shaky breath before changing into something a bit more presentable and shaking your head at the thought of applying makeup. Fear clouded your mind and your fingers were shaking. Was it okay for Oikawa to just randomly appear like this? As if nothing had changed? You looked at yourself in the mirror once before focusing intensely on the dark circles under your eyes and the chapped lips. There was nothing you can do now. </p><p>You walked over to the living room and saw him just sitting there, casual clothing, his hair absolutely marvelous and it felt so odd to you. For a moment, you slipped out of your body and watched yourself as you sat down, and everything felt ridiculous. He was your childhood best friend, the first boy you ever loved, the boy you were so desperately clinging on to for so long—and now he shows up, without warning, just when you were finally letting go. It was the cruelest joke fate had ever pulled on you, and just because it looked like a handsome volleyball player, didn’t make it any less cruel.</p><p>You had always had an exaggerated idea about Oikawa Tooru, but now, as he sat in silence a few feet across from you, you learned that it was only because you didn’t know him at all.</p><p>    “Hey,” His voice was molten gold, but his gaze was burning your skin, “Sorry to barge in like this, (y/n)-chan.”</p><p>You bit your lip, wondering if this was alright. You were yearning to see him, yearning to meet him for so long but he was here and you were acting as if you had never dreamt of this moment at all. </p><p>    “I…” You breathed, “I can’t believe you’re here.”</p><p>    “Sho-chan told me you lived here,” He said, leaning back a bit, “I had to see you.”</p><p>    “Sho-chan?”</p><p>    “Oh,” His eyes widened a bit before chuckling once, “Shoyo. Hinata Shoyo.”</p><p>    “You know him?” You were starting to understand why Shoyo looked like he knew you. Oikawa must have talked about you to him.</p><p>Oikawa. Talking about <em>you</em>. To another person. In another country. It felt unreal. </p><p>    “Yeah, I met him once when I was in Brazil. I…”</p><p>    “What are you doing here? It’s been… It’s been 12 years.”</p><p>Tooru looked at you with a heavy gaze. He could see bewilderment plastered all over your face and the look you were giving him was starting to make him regret his actions. He understood that surprising you like this might make you uncomfortable but the image he had in his head was of you running toward him, embracing him, calling him his name (which you still hadn’t done), and his heart was slowly breaking. Had he been dreaming a bit too hard? Offended a bit at your blatant display of uncertainty, Tooru found himself being mesmerized at your eyes. It’s like you had a soul that was much too big for you; it filled you to the brim till there was no more space, so it flowed out through your eyes.</p><p>    “Do you…” He was always someone who got to the point, “…not want me here?”</p><p>Your eyes didn’t widen as he imagined it to. Your face hardened, and you wondered why you weren’t happy. He could have told you he was coming, you’d have prepared yourself. He could have done a great many things, but he hadn’t. Not contacting you for 12 years was another; how strange it was, meeting a best friend from the past. All the commonsensical things that you could have thought of before, suddenly flooded your brain right then as you stared at Oikawa’s face. He had your number when you first moved to Tokyo, but he never contacted you. He was your contact on Instagram but chose to surprise you this way regardless. Were you overthinking? Was it wrong that you were uncomfortable? </p><p>    “It’s not that at all!” You said, pursing your lips, “Oikawa-kun—“</p><p>    “<em>Oikawa</em>-kun?” Tooru repeated faster than his brain could comprehend. </p><p>Your eyes widened at his surprise, before taking a breath. With Oikawa’s gaze fixed at you, you felt as you were stark naked. You knew from just one look at him that he was aware of his effect on people. The charming quality that came with his face, you wondered how he’d look if he smiled; it scared you, the power it would have. He was taller than you, you were certain, but it was not just his height that brought along the intimidating aura that sat so well on his shoulders. It was those eyes as much as anything that had earned him his reputation as a man to be reckoned with. When he stared at a person, clear and unwavering, men grew uncomfortable. Women positively shivered.</p><p>    “Listen, I…”</p><p>He chuckled once and you stilled at the sight of his mocking smile. You never knew Oikawa to smile like that, the child had never learned sarcasm when he knew you. But, here was a man—a very, dangerously attractive man, with the wordless skill to ruin your life with just his smirk.</p><p>    “I thought it’d be different,” He admitted, “But, I guess I was wrong.”</p><p>    “I’m happy, but just… shocked? Is it wrong to be shocked? You were so important to me! And… we follow each other on Instagram, you could have let me know you were coming. I’d have at least not let you see me brushing my teeth—“</p><p>    “I’ve seen you brush your teeth before.” </p><p>    “That was different!”</p><p>    “Was it, really?” He squinted a tad bit, “We knew each other so well. And you’re saying all that doesn’t matter?”</p><p>You held your breath. His resonating stare fluttered through your memory, and you shivered. You hadn’t seen kindness in his pupils. You only saw intensity, and, you hated to admit it, but he was beyond intimidating. He was overwhelming. </p><p>    “Oikawa, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have reacted that way. I was just surprised—“</p><p>    “You’re not the same.” He said, reacting quickly again.</p><p>    “<em>Excuse</em> me?” Your voice broke before staring at him as if he was a stranger.</p><p>No. He <em>was</em> a stranger. A stranger with a familiar face. Your heart was practically shattering, and your eyes were welling with tears. You were scared to lose this. You didn’t want this to be a recurring thought to your past. You didn’t want things to go this way with Oikawa Tooru, the Oikawa Tooru, your Oikawa Tooru.</p><p>    “Oikawa—“</p><p>    “I’m sorry,” He sounded incredibly earnest and his frown proved to you he now regretted coming here, “I shouldn’t have come here. I’ve made a mistake. For the both of us.”</p><p>    “No, <em>please</em>,” You moved quickly and grabbed his wrist and you felt as if you were going to burn, “I—“</p><p>He took a deep breath, placing a calm hand on yours, “I need to go.”</p><p>With that, he stood up and looked at you. Suddenly, you snapped.</p><p>    “Are you punishing me for not reacting the way you wanted me to?” You narrowed your eyes.</p><p>    “I’m not punishing you at all.” He said. </p><p>You stood up now and noticed that he was most definitely over 6 feet. It didn’t matter if he was taller than you, you weren’t going to let this go. You didn’t want to feel as if what happened was your fault. You clenched your fists at your side.</p><p>    “It feels like you are. You have no idea what it’s been like,” No, no, (y/n). Don’t tell him, you warned, “You have no idea how hard it’s been! How hard it <em>is</em>! And you just barge in here without a care in the world!”</p><p>    “I have no idea how hard it’s like?” He laughed, mockingly. “I live <em>alone</em> in a country I don’t know a single person in. I have teammates but no friends. I have no idea what it’s like, you say.”</p><p>    “It’s not my fault you left.”</p><p>Oikawa’s eyes hardened, “<em>You</em> left first, (y/n). Don’t ever forget that.”</p><p>Your lips quivered, “Tooru,” This was not how he wanted to hear you say his name, “It took me those very 12 years away from you to get over you. Or the idea of you. Or whatever it was that made me think you were some sort of enchantment that I shouldn’t ever forget. Do not belittle what I went through because—“</p><p>    “I’m not belittling—“</p><p>    “And just when I got over the idea of you, you come barging into my house like this and making me feel as if I’m at fault for ruining your life! I’m sorry if you don’t have a handle on your life, Oikawa Tooru, but it hasn’t been easy for me either! Not one call since I moved to Tokyo,” You were crying at this point, “Not one time have you attempted to contact me or let me know anything! You were doing all these amazing things and I… I was—“</p><p>    “You could have done the same!”</p><p>It was now you realized that you were screaming, with tears flowing down your eyes. Oikawa looked positively infuriated, as well. You found it hard to describe what it was like to look fully into eyes that you had known that well—known better than you knew the look of your own eyes, actually—and then put away, deliberately forgotten. That instantly reasserted intimacy, that resumption of what looks like friendly concern, is like nakedness, like exposure. No part of Oikawa’s gaze was a friendly concern, it was a cold foreignness that made you tremble.</p><p>And you found yourself saying the one thing you never thought you’d say to Oikawa Tooru.</p><p>    “Please leave.”</p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>When Kuroo usually sees calls from you, his first instinct is to laugh at you for something. But, it had been days since you had called him with your newfound work obsession, so he merely was glad that you decided to call in the first place.</p><p>    “(y/n)—“</p><p>    “Tetsu…” You were sobbing into his ear and he immediately froze in his spot, eyes widening, “Tetsu… I…”</p><p>    “What happened?” He breathed, before wordlessly grabbing his jacket. He was wearing pajamas, but that didn’t matter. He’d drive to your house and hold you if you needed him to.</p><p>    “Oikawa…” Are you serious? Were you crying over someone from the past? “Oikawa was here…”</p><p>
  <em>What the f*ck?</em>
</p><p>    “(y/n), drink some water. I’m on my way. Ten minutes.”</p><p>When Kuroo entered your house, he first met your mother. He understood that your father hadn’t been around when whatever happened had happened, but your mother had heard a few words being exchanged when she was in her room. She wanted to give you and Oikawa some privacy, but it apparently had turned out for the worse. Tetsu smiled at your mother before rubbing her arm, telling her it’d be okay even when he didn’t know it would. He walked to your room and found you crying, and while he knew he’d have found some nice words to say to you in the past, this involved something far deeper than he’d ever faced before.</p><p>This was about Oikawa Tooru; and if he was your friend for that long, then he knew just how much that name meant to you.</p><p>    “So he just turned up?” Tetsu began, sitting beside you.</p><p>You nodded, helplessly, “He… I should have been happier. I was happy. I was… I was shocked too? I was so terrified and a bit ashamed because just look at me! I’m like a panda… I… I should have run to him and hugged him! I should… Oh my god… I told him to leave… Tetsu, I told the boy I’ve been in love with my entire life to <em>leave</em>!”</p><p>Kuroo frowned, “Listen,” He said almost threateningly, “You weren’t in love with him for your whole life. Stop assuming things like that. I understand you’re being emotional right now but seriously, (y/n)… Stop giving him so much credit. You were shocked to the bone to see him, don’t question your reaction.”</p><p>You shook your head but had no words to say. You wondered if you should call Oikawa back, you wondered if this was how things would end—bitter, miserable, and absolutely devastating, but you didn’t want to. No part of this Oikawa was like the Oikawa you knew. </p><p>    “He’s not… He’s so different.”</p><p>    “No shit,” Tetsu scoffed, “He’s a grown-ass man. Heard from Hinata that he’s always been an arrogant asshole. A talented arrogant asshole—“</p><p>    “He’s not who I knew—“</p><p>Kuroo turned to you before giving you the stink-eye, “(y/n), you honestly can’t expect a 24-year-old man to have the same personality as the 12-year-old you were in love with.”</p><p>Perhaps, that was where your reaction stemmed from. Seeing Oikawa in the flesh only shook you to your bone because of your inherent obsession with the idea of Oikawa Tooru that was buried in your head. You remembered 12-year old Oikawa because all you knew was 12-year old Oikawa. Now, this was 24-year old, volleyball player Oikawa, with dreams and ambitions of his own, having his own reasons for having visited you. You remembered loving surprises before, but you were grown up too—surprises only made you anxious, and something like <em>this</em>? </p><p>Something like this made you quite legitimately incapable of an external reaction. </p><p>    “I missed him so much but… Why did it… Why was it so awkward?”</p><p>    “You haven’t seen him in 12 years, (y/n). Use some of that common sense, please. What you had was an appropriate reaction. You see in movies, reunions are flowery because they’re scripted. There’s no set way on how you should react after seeing someone you used to know. Every reaction that comes out of you is real, and respect it.”</p><p>    “I feel so bad though…”</p><p>Kuroo nodded, “I’m sure he feels worse.”</p><p>Someone should give this guy an award for excelling in life, you thought jokingly before grabbing your phone. You knew spontaneity was a funny thing; you weren’t comfortable making spontaneous decisions, but when your fingers moved on their own that morning, you didn’t even stop it. Kuroo watched you, but when he saw your calm eyes, he was certain that you knew what you were doing.</p><p>    “Kenma-kun? Is Hinata-kun with you? Can you please hand him the phone?”</p><p>Kuroo blinked. What did you have to do with Hinata?</p><p>    “Hi, Hinata-kun! I had a favor to ask?”</p><p>While you wanted to salvage anything that was left behind your argument with Oikawa earlier that morning, you wanted to first try to get to know the new version of him better. You owed him that much at least, despite the weirdness from the morning. You knew Tooru, and you would use the familiarity from the past to your advantage, in any way you could.</p><p>    “What did you do?” Kuroo asked, playfully.</p><p>    “I actually don’t know. But, there’s a weird get-together thing hosted by Kenma and Bocchan tonight at Kenma’s.” </p><p>    “(y/n)—“</p><p>    “I owe him an apology, at least. For raising my voice and asking him to leave… Tetsu, everything feels like a mistake right now. But, I can’t allow myself to treat Oikawa that way. Not him. No matter who he is right now, and how much his personality’s changed, I… He was a driving force for me. And in many ways, he’s let me know that I was someone important to him too.”</p><p>If he came all the way from Argentina to just see you, then you were more than important, Kuroo thought before smiling at you. </p><p>That night, you walked inside Kenma’s house and immediately spotted Oikawa and Shoyo somewhere at the side, him having not seen you yet. You hugged Kenma before spotting Akaashi, Futaba, and Bokuto at the corner. You immediately walk over to them before Futaba’s eyes widened at your arrival.</p><p>    “That’s <em>him</em>!” She whisper-yelled and you grimaced.</p><p>    “Oikawa Tooru,” Akaashi said, a soft smile, “I never really thought we’d see him in flesh.”</p><p>    “Keiji,” You warned, “Please.”</p><p>    “She practically obsessed over him,” Keiji said, turning to the others, “Now she’s freaking out like he’s some celebrity.”</p><p>    “Keiji!”</p><p>    “Go talk to him!” Futaba said, bringing her hands together.</p><p>    “Didn’t you hear? They fought.” Bocchan said, his hair falling down.</p><p>You looked at him worriedly, “What? Why are <em>you</em> sad? You don’t even know him, Bocchan.”</p><p>Keiji rubbed Bokuto’s back before turning to you and raising his eyebrows. If anyone here knew how important Oikawa was to you, it was Keiji. He sent you a reassuring smile before you pulled him away, your nerves getting the better of you. Keiji’s eyes widened a bit before slowly following you to a corner, both of you blissfully unaware that Oikawa’s eyes were trailing you.</p><p>    “Now I know where I saw her! She used to date Akaashi-san!”</p><p>Oikawa turned to Shoyo before blinking, “What?”</p><p>Shoyo nodded, “She went to Fukurodani with Bokuto-san and Akaashi-san. I always wondered why she seemed so familiar, even when you showed me a picture of her back in Brazil. Seeing her with Akaashi-san made sense.”</p><p>If Oikawa’s heart was breaking with every step you took with Akaashi right then, at least, you’d never know. He didn’t know what this feeling was, to be so out of place and yet yearn for comfort he once knew with you. Some part of him laughed at him and told him it would never return, for the moment you moved to Tokyo, you had taken away every aspect of that possibility along with you. Oikawa could never focus on another woman because he was hung up over you for the first few years, and for the next… Oikawa knew that the idea of you had done the damage. </p><p>But, why was it so hard for you if you had others you had given your heart to? How was it so easy for you to move on, and just hard for him?</p><p>You looked at Keiji before groaning out loud, “Am I doing the right thing?”</p><p>    “I don’t know, are you?”</p><p>    “Keiji! You know what I mean.”</p><p>    “Listen, if this is about Oikawa-san, then… You should speak to him. Emotions can sway a lot when both of you are this volatile. You don’t realize it, but… He’s here for <em>you</em>, (y/n). Apparently, Oikawa-san made a spontaneous trip to Japan because he wanted to finish with something. It was Hinata-kun who told us that Oikawa came here to see you.”</p><p>    “I…” Your heart flipped. You were more than just nervous. “I’m so scared.”</p><p>Keiji smiled at you, “You have no reason to be.”</p><p>You turned to look over Keiji’s shoulder and spotted Oikawa’s gaze at you. Almost as if it were blinding you, you saw 12-year old Oikawa blinking at you and you felt an overwhelming need to cry. Love—such a keen mystery prone to pierce and shatter the delicate heart.  Yet it possesses more strength, power, and influence than any other magic known to man.</p><p>You walked over to Oikawa before pausing your lips together. Shoyo immediately walked away, leaving you two alone. Tooru let out a breath before rubbing the back of his neck, looking away desperately because looking at you made him a bit nervous. He was fine with girls before, but you were not just any girl. </p><p>    “Can we start over?”</p><p>He looked at you—grown-up version of the 12-year old girl he was in love with, coming up to his chin because it was slightly adorable that you weren’t too tall, and your hair flowing behind you and haloing your face the way it should and the way it felt right, and your face still nervous and confused at his sudden appearance. Perhaps, he should have seen you for a full 30-seconds before realizing that you were a 24-year old woman now, with your own inhibitions, anxieties, and struggles.</p><p>And a past he knew nothing about.</p><p>    “Hey,” He said, smiling, “It’s been a while.”</p><p>You felt as if your heart was going to crash when Oikawa Tooru smiled at you. You smiled back, not realizing the same effect you were having was reflected in multitudes in him.</p><p>    “Hi, Tooru.”</p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>You and Oikawa found yourselves sitting outside Kenma’s house, on the stairs to his second floor, away from the party which was raging inside. You were separated by a bottle of cola between you, you’d learned that Oikawa was trying not to drink—a story on its own you had no idea about. </p><p>    “…and then there was this whole idiocy with that girl, Iwa-chan was so annoyed—“</p><p>    “Sounds like Hajime!” You laughed, “I’m surprised he didn’t beat you.”</p><p>    “You’re so mean,” Tooru frowned, “He did, a lot, just saying. None of which was consented to. I seriously believe some part of Iwa-chan hated my guts.”</p><p>    “He <em>adored</em> you, but you were difficult based on what you were telling me.” You winked.</p><p>    “You know what? You suck.”</p><p>    “Aww, <em>Tooru</em>—“</p><p>    “I missed you.”</p><p>You turned to look at him and he was turning away, scratching his chin almost innocently. You were starting to understand that no part of this man was innocent, but here and there, there were moments and antics that were strikingly similar to the 12-year old Tooru. You took a deep breath before chuckling, feeling the warmth increase in your chest. He was wearing a grey shirt, and black shorts—such random sense in clothing; he smelt like the forest and all its flowers and wilderness and his hair was just as magnificent. </p><p>    “I missed you too.” </p><p>He turned to look at you and smiled, before letting out a chuckle. Shaking his head, he turned away, wondering how in the world you two came here after fighting earlier that morning. </p><p>    “I… It was hard after you left, (y/n),” Saying your name normally now was easier with the way you were looking at him, “I didn’t realize when you were there how important those days were for me. Setting the ball to you, having you spike it… Everything with Mona-chan—“ His eyes widened and he turned to you, and you knew the question that came your way, “—<em>Mona-chan</em>!”</p><p>    “She passed, Tooru. She was old.” </p><p>He took a sharp intake of breath before narrowing his eyes.</p><p>    “Everything’s changed, huh?”</p><p>You knew he was right. You looked at your own hands and wondered how far you’d come, with him sitting there with you. A little bit of patience had brought back the comfort you had so eternally missed with him, and now, it was reminding you of how fleeting it was. </p><p>    “I wanted to tell you so many things. That’s probably why I came here. I wondered back and forth on how different my life would have been if you were with me. Argentina’s amazing, and I’m doing great. The team’s brilliant. But…” He wondered if he should continue talking, and he turned to you and wondered if you were listening at all.</p><p>    “I’ll always listen to you, Tooru.” You said, smiling at him. </p><p>Tooru kept thinking of your eyes, the depths of them, the way you looked right into him, and he wasn't afraid of what you’d find. The way you said his name right then was everything to him. </p><p>    “I thought coming here would make me forget about you,” He said, staring at you, “But I guess I was wrong.”</p><p>In all his years of resisting love, and in all your years of trying so hard to find it, it was utterly marvelous at how simple it had always been. You don’t resist or try to find love, you either give or take it.</p><p>You stood up a second later before bringing both your hands forward, “Want to go for a walk?” He asked and you shook your head.</p><p>    “I have a better idea.”</p><p>This was how you found yourself behind your house, the small back-yard, handing Oikawa a volleyball that used to belong to Kuroo. He looked at the ball as if he were a confused moron before you laughed at him.</p><p>    “Set for me? I probably suck, but I—“</p><p>Oikawa looked at you with wide eyes, “Oh my goodness,” He let out, “You’re such a sap.”</p><p>    “Shut up!”</p><p>Letting out a laugh, Oikawa gave you a look from the corner of his eye—one full of arrogance and pride—and you returned it with a giggle. You shot him a thumbs-up before getting ready, picturing Bokuto’s form before gulping. Oikawa shot the ball in the air and you hit it, shooting the ball to the ground at how easy he made it seem. You had no clue how it felt playing volleyball, but turning to Oikawa, you knew one thing for sure.</p><p>    “Your set was so good.” </p><p>With the way Oikawa was looking at you, you believed you were done for. If you had known him all your life, the way you sometimes pictured, you knew there was no way out of his grasp. Knowing Oikawa all your childhood bound you to him still—you knew that if you had known him longer, then there was no growing out of this childhood specter. If he wanted you, his eyes would buy you out, and you won’t even know it. Oikawa was three parts devil, and two parts human; and what remained - unchained spirit.</p><p>    “Good thing I decided to come here for a bit.” Oikawa said, letting out a nervous laugh.</p><p>    “For… For a bit?”</p><p>He nodded, “The coach looked at me like I was some village idiot when I said I wanted to come here for three weeks. Giving him the 'parents miss me' excuse, I managed. I deserve a holiday, don’t you think, (y/n)-chan?”</p><p>You felt as if your world was crashing, “Of course! You shouldn’t push yourself at all, Tooru.”</p><p>It was after that you learned that Oikawa Tooru was an Argentinian citizen. You let out a laugh at the sheer irony and turned to him before saying something that made him freeze.</p><p>    “Para que hables español?”</p><p>    “<em>Seriously</em>? Are you sure you weren’t stalking me, (y/n)-chan!?”</p><p>You laughed at his sheer idiocy before telling him that you were a Spanish-Japanese translator. Oikawa watched you as if you were ethereal. There's more than what the eye can see, the heart can love, and the brain can understand. And right then, Oikawa understood everything about the world and nothing at the same time. </p><p>    “So, three weeks and you leave, huh?”</p><p>    “You make it sound so sad.”</p><p>    “I just go to see my best friend after 12 years, of course, I’m sad if all I get is three weeks to sink this face in.” You joked, albeit heartbreakingly. </p><p>    “Best friend? I remember very clearly that we were married.”</p><p>    “Oh my <em>god</em>,” You covered your face with your hands, “That is so embarrassing!”</p><p>    “I had great Pokemon cards,” Oikawa said with pride, “And you were so adamant.”</p><p>    “You were my best friend—“</p><p>    “And I loved you.” </p><p>Everything suddenly changed. Neither of you could speak to the other about your existence in each other’s lives, but with Oikawa suddenly bringing it up as if it was a passing joke, you and him both realized that this was more than just a man coming to see his childhood best friend. </p><p>It was Oikawa Tooru’s first attempt at coming to find love. </p><p>Find <em>you</em>.</p><p>Then he laughed, and the sound was a comfort to you, and you fought against the silver lights that shown in his eyes, and lost. When he spoke his voice was soft. </p><p>    "And now I'm wondering," he said, "How it is you don't realize your eyes ensnare me, just as mine do you. I can't explain it, (y/n), but you shouldn't let it embarrass you. Because we're both overtaken by the same… foolishness.”</p><p>    “You have three weeks, right?” You said, suddenly hopeful. You stood up and stood before him, his confused and bewildered eyes were suddenly beautiful, “Three weeks to catch up and get to know each other and… And…”</p><p>Oikawa took your hands in his before stepping closer to you, a soft smile etched on his face. Your heart was racing, and his skin felt like it was practically burning yours to the bone. Here he was—Oikawa Tooru—<em>your</em> Oikawa Tooru, in the flesh, inches away from you, smiling at you.</p><p>    “I leave in a day, (y/n).”</p><p>Oh.</p><p>
  <em>Oh. </em>
</p><p>Oh, dear.</p><p>    “A d-day?”</p><p>He nodded, but he was feeling like the world was suddenly on his shoulders. </p><p>    “It took me a while to build the courage to come see you. I didn’t send you a message because I was scared. Foolish, right? I met my parents first. Takeru’s all grown up now. Miyagi is still the same. And then… I came here. I… I’m sorry it took so long that—“</p><p>    “I drove you away in the morning,” You said, gasping, “I could have spent more time—“</p><p>His grip on yours tightened before he shook his head, “Ah, look at you. Still the same when nervous. That bit hasn’t changed, huh?”</p><p>    “<em>Tooru</em>—“</p><p>    “I know.”</p><p>You knew he knew. Every bit of ache that was now building in your heart, you knew he felt the same. You looked down at his feet that were near yours and you felt strangely dull. He was leaving. And you were staying. The most ironic of twists was this—when the universe brought him back to you, just to take him away. You look up at him before feeling it again, and you somehow knew he felt the same. As kids, you hated it; but you had always pictured it—somehow or the other, on what it would feel like…</p><p>…to kiss Oikawa Tooru.</p><p>When he leaned down to press his lips to yours, you immediately shut your eyes. There was a lot of pain in that kiss. There was so much hurt and so much fear in it. You felt tears rolling down both of your faces. But, in that kiss, there was even more want. The both of you wanted to smother out that pain, to not have so many horrible things in the all too recent past, to just be normal, to do the types of things you were supposed to be dealing with besides separation and loneliness. No words for the passion. No words for the need. No words for the sheer epiphany of the moment. And so, on an otherwise semi-remarkable Saturday evening, in your backyard, almost close to 10 p.m. in the night, Oikawa Tooru kissed you. And it was glorious.</p><p>The first thing he said as he slipped away from you, hands still holding on to you was, “I’ve been wanting to do that all my life.”</p><p>    “You’re leaving,” It was not love that made you want him to stay, “You’re leaving.” </p><p>It was the possibility of rekindling a dying flame. </p><p>However, it was indeed circumstance that chose to pull Oikawa away from you. By seeing you again, in flesh, he had learned what had truly driven you both to the dust. Oikawa was a smart man, and he knew that as kids, there was no possible way to contain something as precious as love. It was a curse that it came when neither of you was ready for it; but now, with Oikawa finally facing you, and you facing him, and years of unspoken passion willing to blind you in a blink of an eye, there was just grace, gratitude and ethereal joy.</p><p>    “Make me proud, Tooru.” You said, tears filling your eyes.</p><p>    “Watch me.” He whispered, leaning in to kiss you again, and no part of you was stopping it. </p><p>    “We still have a lot to talk about," You said, pulling away. </p><p>    "Talk?" He shook his head, his eyes full of desire. <em>Kiss</em>, he whispered to your thoughts.</p><p>Even if this meant it would be the last time you saw him, a part of you hoped you wouldn’t let it go. It was the very same Oikawa, the very same boy—but so devastatingly different. You knew nothing about the life he’d lived, but you wanted to, oh you wanted to know. The callousness in his palms from playing too much volleyball and getting to the place he deserved to be at, you only wanted more for him. No, it was not love that made you wish the world for Oikawa Tooru. </p><p>It was Oikawa Tooru himself. </p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p><br/>When you woke up on Monday morning, you blinked when you felt your phone buzz. You twisted your neck before realizing it might be your boss and groaned at the thought of more work. You held the phone in your hands before blinking a couple of times, and a smile shot to your lips at what it actually was that woke you up that morning.</p><p>
  <em><strong>Oikawa Tooru:</strong> I just reached the airport. I’ll miss you, (y/n).</em>
</p><p>And you didn’t have to even think to reply.</p><p>
  <em>I’ll miss you too, Tooru. </em>
</p><p>And a heart. </p><p>And that was that. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. x. ten (ii)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>See, I've been having me a real hard time<br/>But it feels so nice to know I'm gonna be alright</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>•─────☾ ☽─────•</p><p> </p><p>You were with Kenma when you saw the mail. While you had no interest in leaving the country, the prospect of someday getting into research made your chest brim with the sort of hope you remember having as a child. Kenma wasn’t quick to notice you quiet down for a moment, he assumed you were just replying to a message. The two of you were currently on a monthly grocery shopping run; Kenma’s new house was fairly close to yours and you found yourself living there a lot, especially since the pandemic hit. You were stuck at his house for a few weeks, being quarantined together. </p><p>    “You’ve been staring at your phone for minutes now,” Kenma’s sudden voice alerts you and you don’t know what button you pressed but the mail was gone. “What’s up?”</p><p>    “Nothing!”</p><p>You could hardly hear him through his mask and you were sure that your own muffled voice wasn’t doing a great job covering the hesitance in your voice. Kenma raised his eyebrow at you before shaking his head and went on to the billing section. You felt your heart sink and a moment later, your phone rang. </p><p>    “Did you get the mail?” Your boss was excited.</p><p>    “What mail?” You lied, now fully aware that the mail was deleted.</p><p>    “(y/n),” She used your first name last year for the first time and hasn’t changed since, “This is a great opportunity for you! Sure, you might need to learn Italian but you know Spanish and Japanese! And they want a translator to fill in for a graduate studies program! You’ve been selected for a scholarship too—“</p><p>    “But, I…” You breathed, “I don’t want to leave home.”</p><p>    “You can’t be serious.” </p><p>    “I am.”</p><p>    “(y/n), I know more than anyone else that your interest in Spanish and Latin American literature is beyond what is available for you here in Japan. You deserve to move and stretch your wings! You can’t possibly believe that your thirst for such literature can be quenched in a country that doesn’t even speak proper English—“</p><p>    “Sensei,” You felt odd with her pushing you, “I don’t want to go.”</p><p>There was silence on the other end, “The University of Bologna is a good place. This is a new department, a chance of a lifetime. Please reconsider.”</p><p>Once the call ended, you walked over to where Kenma stood and helped him with the groceries. Your newfound silence was something he spotted instantly, but he also knew not to tread on waters where he wasn’t needed. If he learned anything by living with you briefly, it was that you enjoyed your time alone; and if there was something bothering you, you’d either speak to him if you wanted to, or you’d keep it to yourself until you figured things out. This was one of those cases, he was sure. The two of you walked to the car before Kenma’s phone rang. You pulled one of the bags he was holding and you could see that the caller ID was Kuroo.</p><p>    “What’s up?” Kenma said, still heading to the car.</p><p>There was a brief silence and you knew Kuroo was talking. Kenma’s eyes widened momentarily before turning to you, his lips moving into a casual smirk—one that was filled with his nonchalant happiness, and that made your heart flip with an unknown joy. Once the call ended, Kenma let out a chuckle before helping you load the groceries into the car.</p><p>    “What’s up?”</p><p>    “So, you know how Kuroo’s involved in the Olympic committee right?”</p><p>You nodded, not sure where Kenma was going with this.</p><p>    “I know you and Shoyo have gotten close over these few years, and you might need to congratulate him and Bokuto on something.”</p><p>    “What is it?”</p><p>    “He’s on the Olympic team.”</p><p>Your eyes widened at the sudden exclamation before you reacted hastily. You threw your hands around Kenma before screaming in joy, you knew just how much all of this mattered to Shoyo. Which brings back the question—where are we <em>now</em>?</p><p>Three years have passed since the last time you saw Oikawa Tooru. The two of you had a constant back and forth messaging spree for months until the time difference got to you both; and until volleyball season began in Argentina. Oikawa still sent you messages of his play, random cat videos, and pictures of dogs that looked like Mona-chan. He even made you speak to Iwaizumi a couple of times, on random video call sessions that would somehow turn up on Monday afternoons, while you were busy working. Not that you minded; your heart would yearn to speak to Oikawa, to see him again, to watch him grow and while you knew that his dream of being in the Japanese Olympic team wasn’t ever going to become a reality, you were somehow thrown toward Shoyo.</p><p>Hinata Shoyo was all parts happiness; he was a ball of radiant sunshine and not a soul on this planet would ever want to see him sad. You believed that Shoyo having bumped into Oikawa in Brazil was fate’s play at shifting your focus on to him, instead. As much as you adored Shoyo, and wanted to watch him grow, a part of you still ached for Oikawa’s loss in the matter.</p><p>In those three years, you’d learned more about Oikawa than you had ever learned all your life. You’d learned through casual conversations with Shoyo that he was the most hardworking boy he had ever known; and his play was fantastic. You’d learned through Iwaizumi one night that Oikawa was heartbroken when they couldn’t get into the Nationals at their third year, and he’d even sent you a picture of the boy crying (taken by one of the girls in his school). You couldn’t understand what this emotion was, but to you, Oikawa mattered most. It didn’t matter that dreams don’t come true to most people, it mattered to you that Oikawa’s didn’t. </p><p>    “You okay?” Kenma said, looking into your eyes.</p><p>You nodded before blinking away tears, “I just wish Tooru could have been on the team too.”</p><p>    “Ah,” Kenma smiled at you, “Still not over him, huh?”</p><p>You didn’t respond with an ‘<em>I don’t think I’ll ever be</em>’. You don’t respond at all. Ever since Tooru left, your life had turned around for the better. You transitioned from being a freelance translator to a full-time lecturer at the University, teaching Spanish and Japanese studies to University students. You translated works of fiction in your spare time, and your boss was now your sensei at the University, where she occasionally sent you mails from various universities looking for translators that could join their research department. You were thrilled with the prospect of such a thing, but until it came to Japan, you weren’t truly interested. </p><p>    “The Olympics are in a few months,” Kenma said, starting the car, “The pandemic’s pissed everyone off.”</p><p>    “The fact that they pushed it a year too,” You added, “I wonder how it is in Argentina.”</p><p>    “Probably worse.” Kenma joked and you giggled.</p><p>When you believed he hadn’t noticed your conversation with your boss earlier, Kenma proved to you again that he was much sharper than you gave him credit for.</p><p>    “So, what was that about leaving?”</p><p>You froze in your spot before casually turning to him as if nothing had happened, “What do you mean?”</p><p>    “(y/n).” He said, threateningly. </p><p>    “It really isn’t anything, don’t worry.”</p><p>    “Alright,” He wouldn’t pry, but he knew you were hiding something, “We’re meeting Shoyo and Kuroo tonight.”</p><p>You nodded, trying to take your mind off the mail that you had deleted. Why did you feel so bad about doing so? You knew that it might be in the trash, so you pulled your phone out before checking. Your heart sunk before realizing that the email was nowhere to be found. You didn’t know if you felt bad because you had casually deleted an opportunity without giving it a second thought, but the way it weighed down on you made everything slower. You stared outside the window of the moving car before hearing your boss’s voice ring in your ears.<em> You deserve to move and stretch your wings! </em>You let out a sigh, a long, drawn-out sigh that held all your inhibitions. Were you tired because you hadn’t seen a mail? Wasn’t this good for you? You wouldn’t have to leave.</p><p>You often forbade yourself from overthinking but here you were diving deep into that once again. You left once and lost Oikawa for good, you left the second time and lost Akaashi—but now, leaving wouldn’t really make you lose just one thing. </p><p>Uprooting your whole life for a dream is as scary as anything else. You knew just one person who did it, and you knew that deep down, he wasn’t all too happy. You knew this because he would tell you that he was tired of waking up alone and going to bed alone, that going to an empty house sometimes made him want to come back—but while you were someone he would share these thoughts to, you also knew that those weren’t the only emotions he had. It had been a few months since you last spoke to Oikawa, and now with the sudden remembrance of his apparent sorrow, you were reminded of how much you missed him.</p><p>    “Class today?”</p><p>You rolled your eyes, “Online classes. You do realize they’re a total bore, right?”</p><p>Kenma laughed at your question, “I’m going to game, so I have no idea what you’re talking about.”</p><p>Once you reached home, you were reminded of it again. It wasn’t as if you lived with Kenma, you spent a lot of time there, not that he minded. Kenma’s house was strangely quiet, but it was the silence that reminded you that he was there. Just as you were about to start the two-hour class, your boss called you once again.</p><p>    “Sensei—“</p><p>    “The professor wants to talk to you!”</p><p>Your eyes widened, “I’m about to start a class!”</p><p>    “Yeah, I know. So I told him to give you a call sometime at the weekend. You’re a busy bee, he knows that. He likes it too! Not to worry, he speaks Spanish so it should be easy to communicate with him.”</p><p>    “Sensei, I already told you—“</p><p>    “I know what you told me,” She pressed, “But, I hate seeing you do this to yourself. If you don't know what you want, you'll never find it. If you don't know what you deserve, you'll always settle for less. You will wander aimlessly, uncomfortably numb in your comfort zone, wondering how life has ended up here.”</p><p>You didn’t want to take her words to heart. This was not the best thing for you right before class, and once her call ended, you almost forgot words. You were suddenly thrown into your present life and you wondered how you got here—26-years old, a stable income, you’d recently managed to convince your parents that staying with Kenma meant living an independent life and being able to stay close to them at the same time, and with a job that you loved doing. Oh, but how wonderful it would be if you were to research and translate works that have never been translated before? Shaking your head, you thought of the one person who made you understand that sometimes dreams can push you into a harder state of affairs than the one you’re in. </p><p>That night, you ran to Shoyo before pinching his cheeks, the orange-haired man groaned before grabbing both your wrists, trying to pull you off of him. </p><p>    “Congratulations!” You almost screeched and he let out multiple laughs.</p><p>    “My cheeks hurt, (y/n)-chan! Stop!”</p><p>    “You deserve it!”</p><p>You turned to Bokuto before embracing him as well, congratulating him before feeling him snake his arms around you. You could tell his energy was missing, but you knew instantly why.</p><p>    “Akaashi is one a field trip.” Bokuto said, mumbling.</p><p>    “He knows, right?”</p><p>Bokuto nodded before rolling his eyes, “I tell him things before I tell you, (y/n). Come on.”</p><p>    “Right, right.” You nodded.</p><p>Futaba joined you a moment later, and the party at Kenma’s was alive again. Shoyo and Kenma ran off to speak to Kuroo about something, and you sat beside Futaba, entangling your legs with hers as you just basked in silence. </p><p>    “What’s going on with you?” She asked, turning to you.</p><p>She sported glasses now and her hair was back to its original dark brown. You smiled at her before shaking your head, feeling as if you were lying. You ignored the feeling, but the more you ignored it, the more it began to settle in the pit of your stomach. Futaba began to talk about her work and your mind drifted. </p><p>    “…and you’re not listening.”</p><p>Your eyes widen before turning to her and notice her giggle at you. She cocked an eyebrow before placing her chin on your shoulder. </p><p>    “My (y/n)’s in trouble senses are tingling,” She mumbled, “What’s wrong, love?”</p><p>You smile at the nickname before letting out a bitter chuckle, “It’s the same old blues, Futaba. Don’t worry.”</p><p>    “Why don’t you call Oikawa? See how he’s doing?”</p><p>    “What? I don’t even know the time there—“</p><p>    “It’s 9 a.m., he’s definitely awake. <em>Call</em> him. Ask him what’s up. Don’t give these things a reason.”</p><p>You felt your heart pummel at her words. You bit your lower lip before taking your phone out and walking out to the front of the house, toward the stairs to the second floor. You remember sitting here with Oikawa three years ago, and a sudden warmth loomed over you. You shook your head before dialing his number and letting it ring. Four rings, five rings, and just as you were giving up on the seventh ring…</p><p>    “(y/n)-chan!”</p><p>Your heart skipped a beat before a large smile snuck to your lips, “Tooru! Hey! Bad timing?”</p><p>    “No, no, just bad internet,” He chuckled, “I woke up a few minutes ago.”</p><p>    “Seriously? Aren’t you an athlete?” You rolled your eyes.</p><p>    “It’s Friday, (y/n)-chan.”</p><p>    “Right, right. Your day off. How are you?”</p><p>    “You don’t sound alright, is everything okay?”</p><p>You paused momentarily before wondering basking in the thought of how in just barely any ministrations at all, Oikawa had understood from the tone of your voice that there was something lodged in the deeper recesses of your mind; unwillingly accessible to him because he looked in places others hadn’t yet, and you willingly let him. </p><p>    “I miss you.” You let out a whisper, tears filling your eyes because you were overwhelmed. </p><p>    “I miss you, too. More than you know. Also,” He suddenly sounded chirpy, “I might have a surprise for you.”</p><p>    “Tooru, I hate your surprises. Your chocolates reached me half a month late.”</p><p>    “Yeah, yeah, I got the address wrong! Stop blaming me! No! This isn’t that. This is better than chocolates.”</p><p>    “Oh my god,” Your heart sunk, “Is it an animal or something? Tooru—“</p><p>    “I can’t tell if you’re teasing me or not. You think my brainpower is that weak?”</p><p>    “On odd days, it surprises me how you function with three brain cells. Continue.”</p><p>    “I’m coming to Tokyo. In six weeks.”</p><p><em>Better than chocolates? </em>He was underplaying it. He definitely was underplaying it. Suddenly, your dreams didn’t matter. Nothing on the planet—not the missing email, not your boss forcing you into moving countries, not the professor from the University of Bologna who wanted to talk to you—nothing mattered. When you gasped, you heard Oikawa laugh and in that laugh, you presented all your hope and lay it on a platter. </p><p>    “P-Please tell me it’s for more than three weeks.” You said, voice shaking.</p><p>    “Oh, (y/n),” You couldn’t tell why he sounded so arrogant, “Use that brain of yours, darling.”</p><p>You paused. How could you think when your mind was full of Oikawa Tooru? The universe kept burning all your bridges with Oikawa Tooru, but it didn’t realize that love knew how to swim.</p><p>    “The Olympics…” Your eyes widened and your voice came out of you softly. “Tooru… You—“</p><p>    “Japan isn’t the only country in the world.” </p><p>There had been several attempts to humiliate Oikawa Tooru. They had not succeeded. He had paid, but pain, like pleasure, had no duration. Pride was an entity more persistent. You were filled with pride right then for the man you adored so much, and while you knew that he was probably coming down as an opponent to literally everyone you knew and loved, you couldn’t help but congratulate him. You and Oikawa had never stated out loud what you felt for one another but continued living as if there was no actual need to. You didn’t know if he saw other people, but you hadn’t tried dating. Not that it hadn’t come your way, you had a mild crush on Kenma when the quarantine had begun, but you blamed that more on the time alone you spent with him than anything else.</p><p>Oikawa Tooru was your pole star. </p><p>Six weeks. If it meant six more weeks of everyday grinding, you were more than happy to do so. </p><p>    “I’m so proud of you, Tooru.” You weren’t sure why you were crying.</p><p>    “Don’t be, just yet.” He said.</p><p>Who was he kidding? It was physically impossible to not be proud of the powerhouse named Oikawa Tooru. You had learned from him that Hajime was coming down to be the trainer for the Japan National team, and your heart filled with a strange yet effervescent feeling of nostalgia that filled your chest to the brim. </p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>On the weekend, you had apparently forgotten the call from the professor from the University of Bologna. It caught you off guard just as you woke up from an afternoon nap, before feeling your heart rate escalate. </p><p>    “Is this (y/n)?” He spoke in Spanish, but it was your first time speaking to someone who was Spanish. So far, you’d only translated works, but speaking Spanish always made you tense. </p><p>    “Yes, hello.”</p><p>    “It’s a pleasure to speak to you! I came across your profile from your sensei, I think, and I am thrilled to explain the work that we do at our department here at the University, and we think you are a perfect fit too.”</p><p>    “Professor, I…” You took a deep breath, “I’m honored that you thought of me. But, I cannot accept the offer. I’m rooted in my hometown and I feel strange at the prospect of leaving.”</p><p>    “Is it the job or the hometown?” He asked.</p><p>You weren’t sure. With a question like that, you weren’t sure if it was an either-or situation. You took a deep breath before feeling like you were making a mistake.</p><p>    “Can you give me some time? I want to—“</p><p>    “How about you go through the mail we sent you, and you can get back to us? We’re looking forward to having you onboard. Just let us know!”</p><p>Before you could tell him of the unfortunate misplacing of the email, the call ended. You wanted to be thrilled that Oikawa was coming here. You wanted nothing more than to be overjoyed that you were seeing your childhood best friend and the love of your life, but your mind was plagued. You felt happy these days, yet there was always an undercurrent of sadness just below the surface. However, most often, all we need is a single push from something that can shake us out of the inertia we’ve placed ourselves in. It was as simple as that, a push in the right direction. </p><p>It was after five more weeks when you waited patiently at the airport with Iwaizumi did you feel a bit of that push. </p><p>    “There he is, that idiot.” Hajime said, throwing a casual arm around you. </p><p>    “He looks tan!”</p><p>    “It is a hot place, San Juan.” </p><p>    “Tooru!” You exclaim and Oikawa approaches you first. </p><p>Placing his bag down, he extends his arms forward and swallows you. You couldn’t tell if he had gotten taller (if that was even possible) but he was much, much bigger than the last time you saw him. Sure, he had tanned a whole lot but that looked strangely amazing on him. You smiled so wide that your cheeks were practically torn, and you smelled the wilderness of him. Oikawa nuzzled his face into your hair and whispered casual sweet nothings as if coming to you meant coming home. And in many ways, it was.</p><p>Pulling away, he grinned before being slapped on the head by Iwaizumi. </p><p>    “You wanted us to pick you up so you won't have to pay.” He scolded, earning a giggle from you.</p><p>    “I could have come two weeks later with my team, but I chose to come here before of time because I’m a nice guy. And what do I get? A slap on the head.”</p><p>You stood on your tiptoes before kissing his chin, just to shut him up. You ignored the gnawing feeling in your chest and watched as Iwaizumi and Oikawa interacted with one another. It had been 15 years since you last saw a sight like this, with both of them being there. You let out a sigh before your phone suddenly started to ring. You pull it out, before shoving it back inside your pocket, earning a questioning look from Oikawa. However, before he could ask, Hajime pushed you both toward the taxi. </p><p>    “Where are you staying, for now, Tooru?”</p><p>    “Two days at Iwa-chan’s. And then heading to Miyagi. Takeru’s in college now.” Oikawa sounded defeated. </p><p>It wasn’t as if the chemistry you two had three years ago was absent; you wondered if this joint comfort was present because Hajime was around, or if it was because you three were in a taxi heading home. Just as you were about to fret, your phone rang again and you let out a visible groan. Tooru looked at you before blinking, but it was Hajime who broke the silence.</p><p>    “Someone really wants to talk to you, (y/n).”</p><p>    “It’s nothing, don’t worry.”</p><p>    “Is someone bothering you, (y/n)?” Oikawa said, snaking his fingers into yours. </p><p>Your heart skipped a beat at this casual movement, but you let out a nervous chuckle before freeing your hand from his grasp. Tooru paused momentarily before identifying right away that there was something going on, and the fact that you weren’t willing to speak about it slightly offended him. Lying to Oikawa Tooru was in no way pleasant, and even if it made your stomach twist in unusual knots, you knew that telling him meant more harm. You knew what he’d say. Even though he was primarily the reason why you didn’t want to move in the first place. You didn’t want to go to a strange land alone, chasing after your dreams. </p><p>However, looking at Oikawa now—and the casual grin on his features that was so much more different from the tired one three years ago, you were starting to believe that he wasn’t really regretting his decision to move to Argentina any longer. </p><p>That night, you left Oikawa alone with Iwaizumi and the other guys from Aoba Johsai who came to visit. You were at Kenma’s, watching something on your laptop, while Kenma was streaming in his room. You had been ignoring your boss’s calls all day, and you knew what you were doing was childish and you’d eventually have to face her, but you had no answer to her after what you’d done a few weeks ago. A moment later, you heard the pizza delivery guy ring the bell to the house and you didn’t move a muscle. You weren’t hungry, and you assumed that the pizza was for Kenma and not you. Rolling on the bed, you landed on your stomach before burying your head into your pillow, confused and bewildered, shaken, and obstructed. You wanted to enjoy the fact that Tooru was back but you could hardly feel at ease. The gnawing feeling that you were doing something wrong by ignoring that email was eating you from the inside. </p><p>    “I <em>knew</em> something was wrong.”</p><p>You froze. You jumped on your position before turning to the room and spotting Oikawa there, leaning against the doorframe. Your heart sunk to the floor at the way he was looking at you, and you once again felt the same feeling you felt three years ago. Elation, confusion, and pure adoration. </p><p>    “Tooru, it’s nothing—“</p><p>    “I knew something was wrong from the second I saw you today, (y/n). Don’t ask me how I know, I just do. Funnily enough, my entire life has been circling around you and even if this is practically the first time we’re meeting in three years, I feel like I saw you yesterday. So please. Don’t lie to me.”</p><p>Oikawa walked over to the bed before sitting down before you. You let out a breath before turning your gaze away, before looking back up at him.</p><p>    “I don’t understand us, really,” You spoke honestly, “So many people have gotten over their first crushes and have moved on, settled… I thought Keiji was my one true love and here I am… Back to square one.”</p><p>    “What does that have to do with anything?”</p><p>    “How is it that our lives have been circling around each other’s the way it has? We don’t see each other for years and yet… It’s like we don’t need to.”</p><p>Oikawa smiled at you, and you wanted to cry. You wanted to curse him for being all tight muscle, with ivory skin and a mouth as soft as rose petals. You wanted to curse him for having hair like chocolate, and eyes as glorious as amber. You wanted to curse him for having the grace of a cat and deft, cool hands. But, you ended up staring at him dumbfounded instead. The look of experience suited him, especially because somewhere deep in those eyes, there still lurked a dangerous invitation to play. He had a quality of masculine confidence that was a thousand times more potent than mere handsomeness. Perfect good looks could leave you cold, but this kind of sexy charisma went straight to your knees.</p><p>You looked away because you were terrified of what you were feeling for him. You knew it wasn’t love, but you weren’t quite sure what it was. Oikawa’s finger reached your chin before pushing you to meet his gaze again, a questioning look on his brow.</p><p>    “What?” He whispered, fully knowing.</p><p>You rolled your eyes, “How in the world can I still be in love with you after all these years, Tooru?”</p><p>Was it Oikawa’s initial sorrow upon moving to Argentina that was stopping you from making your own big leap? You were ignoring the qualms of your own desires because he had somehow nestled a fear in your heart, and the only one who could remove it was Oikawa himself. You knew that by now, Oikawa would have moved on; found an Argentinian girl to his liking, settled and pushed forward; and that it was you, always you, who held on to a notion so deeply. While your mind overthought every single thought that had come to you in the past, all Tooru had to do was lean forward and kiss you.</p><p>You pulled back with shock plastered all over your face and he found nothing funnier. </p><p>    “Tooru! What are you—“</p><p>    “Are you feeling bad that I’m cheating on my imaginary Argentinian girlfriend by kissing you?”</p><p>    “Imaginary?”</p><p>    “It’s you, (y/n), for the love of God,” He sounded annoyed, “It’s always been <em>you</em>. So kiss me before I lose my mind.”</p><p>Without a second to waste, you pushed yourself on him and kissed him. You’d done nothing more than that, and while you knew in your heart that the experienced, chiseled look that he had came from more than just volleyball, you wanted your own share of that experience with him. It didn’t matter if he was here only till the Olympics lasted; you were in love with him. You have always, always been in love with Oikawa Tooru, and no one had come close. If they had, things ultimately changed so that Oikawa could come back to you.</p><p>And he did; he funnily did come back. He took his time, but he was there. Against so many odds, because all Oikawa was doing his entire life was fighting and trying to get where he deserved to be. Pulling away from you for just a moment, he whispered that he loved you three more times till it finally sunk in. How utterly tragic it was to love someone you couldn’t have. How utterly tragic it was for Oikawa to love you, someone who could never give him what he deserved. </p><p>    “Stop.” He told your thoughts before kissing your brow, hands burying in places they had never gone before. </p><p>It was after Oikawa had told you he loved you for the fifth time that night, nestling you in his arms while you wore his black tank top, did a thought occur to you. You were laying in the arms of a man who could never be in the same place as you for longer than a certain fixed period of time. It was tragic, but with his constant movement, it only made you wonder.</p><p>What were you staying in Japan for?</p><p>    “What’s bothering you?” He hummed, wrapping his hands around you, burying his fingers into your hair.</p><p>You nestled your face into the crook of his neck before humming; his skin was genuinely softer than yours and while that made you feel a bit antsy, it also made you beam with joy. </p><p>    “I received this email,” When you began to talk, Oikawa pushed you away a bit to see your face, “It was from a professor from the University of Bologna.”</p><p>    “Italy.” </p><p>You nodded, “My boss really wants me to take that job.”</p><p>    “It’s a job offer?” Oikawa’s eyes widened.</p><p>    “Y-Yeah,” You weren’t quite sure what it was, “Research-based. Japanese and Spanish translations. It sounds amazing.”</p><p>    “But?”</p><p>You narrowed your eyes at him, letting out a pout. Tooru kissed your nose, “There’s always a but.”</p><p>    “<em>But</em>,” You stressed, “I don’t want to leave.”</p><p>    “What nonsense.”</p><p>    “Tooru—“</p><p>    “I desperately wanted to stay here, (y/n). I did. But, my dreams were more important to me. Look at what I’m going to do. I’m going to destroy everyone on that Japan National team. Watch me.”</p><p>You looked at him with wonder nestled in your eyes, “I know,”</p><p>He leaned forward to kiss you squarely on the lips before letting you continue, “I’m… Remember three years ago? When you came here. You told me it was scary. Waking up alone and going home alone. I don’t want to regret going to a place because my dreams were more important, Tooru. Uprooting my entire life here to begin again? Alone? I can’t name a worse nightmare.”</p><p>Tooru was quiet for a moment, “I was unhappy for a whole year. I came and saw you, and I began yearning for you. But, the more I busied myself with volleyball, I was prepared. I was preparing myself for the next time I’d see you so I can show you just how happy the sport has made me.”</p><p>Your eyes widened at his words. </p><p>    “I cannot be happier. I’m holding the woman I love in my arms while I’m playing in the Olympics with a team filled with people I respect and admire. I love the country I’m in because I’m finally comfortable in my own skin. I kept running away from the idea that I loved you and left you behind, but meeting you was a trigger point. It pushed me out of a boundless inertia that I didn’t know I was in.”</p><p>    “Tooru!” You exclaimed, “That’s…”</p><p>That’s what you were looking for as well. </p><p>    “So one could say that it is a stupid thing to build yourself just to make one more person proud of you. But, to me, that was what started everything. I went back to Argentina and began working for it so that you could be proud of me. And it was a snowball effect from there. It just escalated.” </p><p>    “I’m so proud of you.” You admitted, smiling widely.</p><p>    “And I’m the happiest man alive.” </p><p>You heard nothing but experienced a sensation that prickled along your spine like a warm touch caressing your skin. Slowly, with the care of prey beneath a predator's survey, you turned your head and met the gaze of the elegant gentleman beside you. Tooru’s smile made you rethink everything that you’ve done so far, and at the same time, provided the small push that you so desperately needed. Wordlessly, you reached toward the table at the side of the bed and took your phone, and opened the junk mail section. Your heart dropped at finding nothing, but you heard Tooru’s heartbeat near you and you wanted to continue. </p><p>    “What's wrong?”</p><p>    “I think I deleted it.” You said, licking your lips.</p><p>    “Shouldn’t it be in the junk folder then?”</p><p>    “It’s not…”</p><p>    “Then check the archive.”</p><p>You turned to Oikawa with wide eyes, almost shocked at his smartness. Oikawa looked almost offended at your blatant disbelief. You opened the archive section and your heart flipped. There it was. The email from the University of Bologna—</p><p>    “Wait a minute,” Oikawa said, squinting, “Is that UniBo BA?”</p><p>    “What?” </p><p>Oikawa pulled your phone from your grasp and clicked the mail. A knowing smile sat on his lips before turning to you with a look you couldn’t quite recognize. </p><p>    “This University isn’t in Italy, (y/n).”</p><p>    “Then where is it?”</p><p>Oikawa pressed a long kiss to your forehead before pulling away and saying something you thought would happen only in films.</p><p>    “It’s in Argentina.”</p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>The University of Bologna in Argentina was opening a new department that was in need of a translator from a southeast Asian country—namely Japan, South Korea, or China. It was for the study of Modern Languages namely Japanese, German, Italian, Spanish, Russian, and converting said texts into South-East Asian scripts, and your sensei was the one who identified that you would be a perfect fit, considering you spoke both Spanish and Japanese. By reading the entire mail, your heart pounded when you realized that this was in the Argentinian capital, Buenos Aires, and as luck would have it, the country where Oikawa was currently a citizen of. </p><p>    “I can’t… I can’t believe this…” </p><p>    “All I’m happy about is how Japan basically gave me nothing and Argentina is giving me everything.” Oikawa joked.</p><p>You turned to him and embraced him, feeling a newfound relief flood your system. You weren’t going to be alone. It didn’t matter what you and Oikawa were at the moment, but your fear of going to a mysterious land on your own was quelled the second Oikawa told you that this particular university was in Buenos Aires. </p><p>    “Is that where you stay?”</p><p>    “No, but some people from my team do.”</p><p>You didn’t want to make promises, but if you were going there, then you weren’t going there just for him. However, as Oikawa had mentioned, just as you had pushed him out of a boundless state of inertia, he was doing the same to you. Sure, a person must never be a reason for such a massive change—for human beings were fickle and were subject to change, but this was more than just that. What would begin as a change for Oikawa would ultimately be a massive change for you.</p><p>You stared at Oikawa before licking your lips and smiling; he leaned down to kiss your forehead before holding you, making no promises for the time being. There was no need to exchange any words, nothing at all. </p><p>    “Go for it, (y/n),” He said, “And not just because I’m there. But, because you deserve this.”</p><p>You closed your eyes because, for the first time in years, you were finally letting yourself breathe. If there was one thing you needed to learn from someone like Oikawa Tooru then it was that walls were never unscalable. </p><p>The next morning, Kenma ignored Oikawa as the brown-haired male apologized to barging in and staying the night. You quickly called your boss before building your own composure, feeling your heart escalate with every passing second.</p><p>    “(y/n)! I know you’re scared—“</p><p>    “Sensei,” You stared at Oikawa frantically apologizing to Kenma who was ignoring him, “Tell me about Buenos Aires.”</p><p>    “You read the email!?”</p><p>    “Yeah,” You smiled, “I’m interested. What do I do?”</p><p>You were so afraid to dream; having been so all your life. You stared at Oikawa as he moved and waddled around before learning that love was supposed to do a whole lot more than just throw one person at you. It was supposed to make you meet yourself, in your rawest form, and accept the changes that you wanted to make. While those changes are difficult, they were for your good—and if it called for making a small adjustment to your comfort zone, so be it. Love wasn’t supposed to make you choose one person over another, it was supposed to make you choose yourself; and you alone would have the answer.</p><p>The fact that Oikawa lived in Argentina was comforting, yes; it moved you to make the decision to go there, yes. However, it was merely a push, not a promise. By saying yes, you allowed yourself to dream—and by dreaming, Oikawa ceased to be the only thing you yearned for.</p><p>Now, you were free to yearn for a whole lot more.</p><p>Oikawa approached you that afternoon and wrapped his hands around your waist. You kissed his chin before letting out a giggle at how tall he was, and he pressed his forehead to yours.</p><p>    “What’s the deal now?”</p><p>    “I have to simply submit a few documents and the job’s mine.”</p><p>    “(y/n),” Oikawa pulled away, not letting you go, “That’s brilliant. I’m so proud of you.”</p><p>    “For now, it’s university housing. Until I find a place to stay, that is.”</p><p>Oikawa nodded, “When do you have to go?”</p><p>You bit your lower lip before wondering what his answer to your statement would be. Oikawa looked at you before blinking out a question. </p><p>    “In a month and a half.”</p><p>Oikawa opened his mouth to say something but pressed his lips together instantly. He smiled because it was ironic, but at the same time, the joy nestled in your eyes was what was missing when he saw you yesterday. He kissed your forehead before pushing a few strands of hair behind your ear.</p><p>    “You should start preparing then.”</p><p>Your heart dropped at the thought of leaving him. But, it wasn’t final. The Olympics or at least the volleyball games would last a few months before… Before…</p><p>You looked up at him hopefully before saying, “I’ll wait for you there.”</p><p>Oikawa’s smile reached his eyes. He had a better idea. Two weeks before he left for Japan, a friend of his had given him a succulent to take care of because Oikawa had been dubbed the ‘inherent loner’. He knew by the time the Olympics were going to be finished, the succulent would probably be dead. <em>Deader than dead</em>, he thought. He reached into his pocket before pulling out his wallet, and you watched questioningly. A moment later, he handed you a pair of keys, and you stilled.</p><p>    “There’s like a plant I have no idea how to take care of,” He said, “Could you…”</p><p>    “Tooru, this is insane. I <em>can’t</em>—“</p><p>    “There’s still a month and more to completely decide,” He said, “So keep it with you till then and then let’s see how it goes.”</p><p>You looked down at the keys and noticed the puppy keychain hanging. You still had to speak to family, you had to speak to Futaba, Kuroo and Kenma, and Shoyo! There was a lot left to do, but Oikawa looked at you as if everything could be decided in a moment’s glance. </p><p>    “I love you so much, Tooru.” You could never lie about this.</p><p>    “And I love you, (y/n).”</p><p>A second later, however, </p><p>    “Wait,” Oikawa said, hugging you closely, “You’re going to miss the Olympics!? You won’t be here when I play!”</p><p>    “That was why I looked so sad, Tooru. What did you think?”</p><p>    “I don’t know! You always look sad!”</p><p>    “Who’s being mean now?”</p><p> </p><p>•──⋅☾ ☽──•</p><p> </p><p>    “Do you have everything?” Your father asked, his voice in an absolute panic. </p><p>You turned to him before pressing both hands against his cheek and calming him down. You knew that this was a sudden move that your father would freak out about, but there was nothing worrying you. Seeing how confident you were, he instantly calmed down; but his heart was breaking at the thought of his daughter leaving home. </p><p>    “I’ll miss you so much.”</p><p>    “Aw, dad,” You said, shaking your head, “It’s okay! I'll miss you too! You too, mom!”</p><p>You turned to Futaba who hugged you tight, muttering that you’ll have to visit them or she’ll come over there and break your legs. You giggled at her before pulling away and noticing Kenma and Kuroo waving at you. Running to Kuroo, you embraced him before muttering that you’ll miss him.</p><p>    “I’ll miss you more,” He said, rolling his eyes, “But, seriously. Take care of yourself, alright? I’m just one call away, (y/n).”</p><p>    “I know, Tetsu. I love you.”</p><p>    “Love you too, squirt.”</p><p>    “Ken-chan!” You hugged the boy before feeling him embrace you tightly, “I love you.”</p><p>    “You’re an idiot,” His voice broke, “Watch my live-streams.”</p><p>    “Won’t miss them for the world.”</p><p>You buried your right hand in your pocket before feeling the familiar texture of the puppy keychain. A smile sat on your lips before pushing your bags toward the airport entrance. It didn’t truly feel like you were going to a foreign land; it felt as if you were going there to wait for someone. In many odd ways, however, it was true because as Oikawa’s team continued to dominate over the Japan National team, there was only one thought lingering in his mind.</p><p>He wouldn’t be going to an empty house any longer. </p><p>His home was waiting for him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>What a tale! And what an ending, amirite? Haha. I want to first thank every single person who's let me know their thoughts on this story, and helped me along the way. Your words have always pushed me to write better, perform better, and I felt so utterly loved that it moved me to tears on bad days. I love you all, and I am so, so thankful for being a writer you chose to read. </p><p>Coming back to the plot, let's admit, I'm a Tooru simp. From chapter one, I knew Tooru was the endgame. As much as I love Akaashi, and Sakusa, Tooru stood out to me for several reasons. I won't say he was done dirty in the manga, but his hard work wasn't appreciated the way I wanted it to, and the bittersweet way it was left was just so heartbreaking. I find myself tearing up on some days at just the thought of Tooru and how much he deserved. He's admirable, and I love him to death. Also, I didn't want to end on a note where the Main Character moves for Tooru. Let's face it, moving for one person by uprooting your entire life seems a bit bizarre. However, giving her a dream? Now, that's plausible. I've had people in my life give me that aesthetic and ethereal idea and the beauty of people is that sometimes, they do push us in ways we rarely expect. And even if we grow out of them, the fact that they contributed still stays.</p><p>I do have a playlist for this fic, and I'll put it down at the bottom, but honestly; this fic is so treasured and special to me. Not just because I worked hard on it, I do on all my stories, but this one? This fic made me confess to someone I'm currently attracted to. I fear rejection more than death itself and coming from me, and the fleeting nature of romance itself, I too changed while writing this story. I wanted to capture the realistic aspect of love and how fleeting it is, and how it doesn't matter how or when it ends for it to remain special. It can be sad at times, and devastating and yet, when it returns, we welcome it with open arms. The one thing that separates us from the rest of the whole world is our ability to love, and I think, down the line, forgetting this is our biggest sin. It is love that remains and will remain our salvation, and I cannot stress this enough, love is NOT overrated. We've downplayed it for far too long, and we now fear it. How unfortunate that we've made it so. </p><p>We have all met Oikawa, Akaashi, Sakusa, Yaku, Kuroo, Tsukishima, Osamu, Semi, and Kenma in the past. Or we've been them. But, irrespective of who we were and who we may become, I hope this story tells you that it's okay. If it overwhelmed you if it made you feel, if it moved you, cherish it. It makes you special. You are all amazing. </p><p>On a final note, yes, I am a sap and I could obviously not end this sadly after giving the Main Character so much angst. Oikawa deserved more love, so this is my tribute to him. And to all the wonderful boys in Haikyuu. </p><p>Thank you all so, so much for staying with me while I create this. It means the world to me. You all are amazing, I love you.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This isn't really a harem? I like the concept of fleeting romances — romances that are fully formed, unrequited, platonic; romances of all kinds need to be written about. What better platform than fanfiction and what better fandom than Haikyuu? Do let me know what you think!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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